Met a Tartar
First Burglar: “Hello, Jim! Why, you look as if you had been in a railway accident since I saw you last. What’s wrong?”
Second Burglar: “I got into a house where the woman was waiting up for her husband, and she thought I was him.”
Made Him Nervous
Missionary (to cannibal): “What makes your chief so talkative?”
Cannibal: “Oh, he ate a couple of barbers this morning.”
Not the Same Way
Modern Girl: “I understand that the girls of your time ‘set their caps’ for men, Grandma.”
Grandma: “Yes, child, but not their knee-caps.”
True to Type
“So you met Alice today.”
“Yes. I hadn’t seen her for ten years.”
“Has she kept her girlish figure?”
“Kept it? She’s doubled it.”
Not So Good
Minister: “As I gaze about I see before me a great many bright and shining faces.”
Just then eighty-seven powder puffs came out.
Wifey: “Anyhow, a woman’s mind is always cleaner than a man’s.”
Hubby: “It ought to be. It changes oftener.”
A Studious Fellow
Father: “If you had a little more spunk in you, son, you’d stand farther up in your class. Do you know what spunk is?”
Son: “Yes, sir. Past particle of spank.”
Something to Worry About
City Girl: “What’s worrying you Dave, dear?”
Country Boy: “I was wonderin’ if dad would be sport enough to do th’ milkin’ w’en we’re on our honeymoon, s’posin’ yer said ‘yes’ if I asked yer.”
Shine Was Right
Judge (humorously): “So your name is Joshua, is it? Are you the Joshua that made the sun shine so long?”
Defendant: “No, sir, I’se the Joshua what made the moonshine so long.”
Now Will You Be Good?
Angry Motorist: “Some of you pedestrians walk along just as if you owned the streets.”
Irate Pedestrian: “Yes, and some of you motorists drive around just as if you owned the car.”
An Intelligence Test
A Scottish farmer, being elected to the school board, visited the village school and tested the intelligence of the class by the question:
“Now, boys, can any of you tell me what naething is?”
After a moment’s silence a small boy in the back seat rose.”
“It’s what ye gi’d me the other day for holding yer horse.”
Right, in a Way
“I don’t like your heart action,” the doctor said, applying the stethoscope again. “You have had some trouble with angina pectoris, haven’t you?”
“You’re right in a way, doctor,” said the young man sheepishly, “only that isn’t her name.”
Some boys stood watching a fractious horse snort its disapproval of an approaching motor car.
“What makes a horse do that when he sees a motor car?” asked one.
Another boy replied: “It’s this way – horses is used to see other horses pull cars, so they don’t know what to think of cars going along without a horse. If you saw a pair of trousers walking down the street without a man in them, you’d be scared, too.”
Sometimes It Happens
Joe: “Is Paul a good driver?”
Jim: “Well, when the road turns the same time he does, it’s just a coincidence.”
Mrs. Hunt: “Dead! Dead! Dear me! Poor Mrs. McSnorter gone to join the great majority.”
Mrs. Root: “Well, I wouldn’t say that! She was a good woman, so far as we know!”
A Painful Situation
Man (to photographer): “Have I the pleasant expression you require?”
Photographer: “Perfectly, sir.”
Man: “Then shoot quick; it hurts my face.”
Oh, What a Relief
Doctor: “As I said, you’ve just regained consciousness after the crash. I’m Dr. Peter, and – “
Victim: “Oh! For a second you gave me a terrible shock. I thought you said you were St. Peter.”
A Wild Suggestion
Billy’s big brother came home one day with the information that a trained nurse had moved next door. After puzzling over this news for a few seconds, Billy, who had recently attended a trained animal circus, asked: “Mother, had she been a wild nurse?”
Miserable in Success
Sandy bought two tickets for a raffle and won a $1,500 car. his friends rushed up to his home to congratulate him, but found him looking miserable as could be.
“Why, mon, what’s the matter wi’ ye?” they asked.
“It’s the second ticket. Why I ever bought it I canna imagine.”
A Happy Meeting
She: “The man I marry must be brave as a lion, but not forward; handsome as Apollo, but not conceited; wise as Solomon, but meek as a lamb; a man who is kind to every woman, but loves only one.”
He: “By Jove! How lucky we met!”
The policeman entered the restaurant and with great dignity announced to the man at the table next to ours: “Your car awaits without.”
“Without what?” retorted the rather loud-mouthed gentleman.
“Without lights,” said the cop. “Here’s your ticket.”
A Worthwhile Expenditure
The train had finally emerged from the blackness of a long tunnel. The conductor noticed a young couple, both of whom were apparently quite flustered, and the young woman was nervously rearranging her disheveled hair.
Thinking to put them at their ease, the conductor remarked pleasantly: “Did you know that the tunnel we just came through cost $12,000,000?”
“Did it?” inquired the girl. Then she added after a pause, “Well, it was worth it.”
The Ford Memory System
“Professor Thomas was on his way home with his new Ford,” reports the Plattsburg Leader, “when he thought he had forgotten something. Twice on the way home he stopped and looked over the packages in the coupe and searched his pocketbook, but finally decided he had everything with him.
“When he reached home his daughter ran out looking surprised and cried, ‘Why father, where’s mother?’”