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Funny Bones, 1938 (5th set)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - July 24, 2010

The Improvement Era asked its readers to submit Mormon-flavored jokes this year, mixed with the magazine’s usual brand of humor. Illustrations were provided by the Era’s in-house artist, Fielding K. (“Smat”) Smith.

Phonetically Correct

The class had been studying the Articles of Faith. Upon returning home one little girl was heard to say; “Mother, why do we say we believe in being chased by an elephant?”

With Whom?

Donna, age 4, and Mary Jean, age 3, had played all day. That evening Mary Jean’s father asked Donna how they got along. Donna said: “Pretty good, but Mary Jean quarrels quite a lot.”

Please Transpose

On the Saturday night of a stake conference being held in the Sevier Stake, the High Priests’ quorum were sponsoring a dance. They had their handbills out a few days ahead – “High Priests’ Ball, Saturday,” etc. At the dinner table my little brother suddenly looked up at his father and said: ‘Daddy, is it tonight the Priests are going to have that High Ball?”

Against All Comers!

With an umbrella over his arm as a precaution against the rain which seemed likely, Elder A, a Mormon missionary, continued religiously his tracting, which brought him in due time before a mansion-like home. His hands filled with tracts, he kicked open the iron gate, but the strong spring brought it back with a resounding force. Immediately a huge watch dog came bounding down the terrace toward him. Elder A looked desperately for rescue. The big jaws were menacingly near as he pushed open the umbrella and parried and poked at the spring, barking dog, whose master came out shouting: “Young man, what are you doing out here with my dog?”

“Sir,” the missionary, breathing heavily, continued to protect himself, “I’m – I’m – I’m defending – defending the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!”

Bugs to Burn

“You see that old boy over there? He thinks in terms of millions.”

“He doesn’t look to me like a financier.”

“He isn’t. He’s a bacteriologist.”

Problem

“When I was a baby I was left an orphan.”

“What did you do with it?”

Time Out!

Little brother and sister were ready for bed and brother was kneeling at the bed saying his prayers. Little sister, being in a playful mood, kept tickling the bottom of his feet. As the boy prayed he moved his foot back and forth, trying to get away from the tormentor, but without success.

Finally the tickling was so extreme that he could stand it no longer so he said, “Please, Lord, excuse me a minute while I kick the stuffing out of Phyllis.”

Our Best Dishes, Too!

A kindergarten teacher at Sunday School had told the story of Joseph Smith and the plates obtained from Hill Cumorah. Wishing to impress it upon the children, she had pictures of the scenes mentioned, and as they were looking them over a little girl, eagerly pointing to the picture of Hill Cumorah, said: “Miss Brown, I know what this is.” “All right,” said the teacher, “you may tell the class what it is.” and Nellie answered: “That is where we got the dishes.”

A Question of Rank

Mrs. Jones, not very close to the Church herself, was nevertheless proud of her son’s activities and one morning said to her neighbor: “My son Tom has been called to go on a mission.”

Mrs. Brown: “Isn’t that fine.”

Mrs. Jones: “Yes, and he has been advanced in the Priesthood!”

Mrs. Brown: “Is that so, what Priesthood was he advanced to?”

Mrs. Jones: “I am not sure, but it was either a Seventy or Eighty, but I think it was Eighty.”

Ulterior Motive

“How many are there in your family, madam?”

“Just my husband and I.”

“No children?”

“No.”

“Any cats or dogs?”

“No.”

“Do you have a radio?”

“No.”

“Now, have you any saxophones, pianolas, ukuleles, or other musical instruments?”

“Indeed not. And why all these questions?”

“Madam, I’m just the man who intends to rent the house next door.”

Among Our Blessings

At one of our small wards, the new Sunday School Superintendent was taking charge for the first time. In his estimation the people needed a little more Sunday School treatment; therefore, the school was held over time. An elder Brother included the following in his prayer of dismissal:

“Bless our new Superintendent so he will know when to dismiss Sunday School. Amen.”

A Question of Race

A woman in El Paso, Texas, when contacted by the missionaries, explained that she was one-fourth Mormon, as she had been informed that one of her grandfathers was of that race.

A Fervent Wish

Brother X was called to pray one bright Sunday morning, and among other things he said this: “And we pray that the teachers might know what they are talking about.”

Withdrawing Influence

Little Joe, aged seven, had been very ill and much faith and prayer had been exercised in his behalf by all the family. After his recovery he and his younger brother Donnie, aged five, were playing when a disagreement arose in which Donnie was losing out. In disgust Donnie said: “Well, next time you get sick I’ll not pray for you. I’ll just let you die.”

Neighbor: “How many controls are there on your radio?”

Next-door Neighbor: “Three – my wife, my mother-in-law, and my daughter.”



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