The gospel of humor from the church magazines, 1942:
Stranger: “I want to buy all the rotten eggs and vegetables you have.”
Grocer: “You must be going to see the new comedian at the theater tonight.”
Stranger: “Please, please, not so loud. I AM the new comedian.”
The Wrong Charge
Judge: “What’s the charge against this man, officer?”
Officer: “Bigotry, yer honor. He’s got three wives.”
Judge: “I’m surprised at your ignorance, officer. That’s trigonometry, not bigotry.”
“All aboard,” shouted the streetcar conductor.
“Wait a minute, till I get my clothes on,” came a shrill feminine voice outside the rear door.
All eyes turned back expectantly toward the door as a woman entered with a basket of clothes.
Glutton for Favors
The young man was rather shy and after she had thrown her arms around him and kissed him for bringing her a bouquet of flowers, he jumped up and grabbed his hat.
“Oh, don’t go,” she said, as he made for the door. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“Oh, I’m not offended,” he replied. ‘I’m going for more flowers.”
Just Like Mine
Valet: “Sir, your car is at the door.”
Master: “Yes, I hear it knocking.”
Tackled the Wrong Goat
“Have you got enough money for a cup of coffee, Mister?”
“Oh, I’ll manage some how, thank you.”
A Good Guesser
“I can tell your fortune.”
“Egad, that’s right!”
A Horse on Me
“I’d like to rent a horse.”
“The longest you’ve got; there’ll be five of us going.”
“Are you still engaged to Emily?”
“Good for you! I never did see what you liked about her, she was so dumb and fat! And homely! By the way, how did you ever get out of the engagement?”
“We were married last month.”
“Did your husband get hurt badly when he was hit by a car, Liza?”
“Yup. He suffered from conclusion of the brain.”
“You mean concussion of the brain, don’t you, Liza?”
“No, sir, I mean conclusion – he’s daid.”
Four Irishmen attacked a Scotsman, intending to rob him, but he put up a terrific fight and all four of his assailants were bruised and bleeding before they subdued him.
A thorough search of his clothes disclosed only a lone 5-cent piece.
“Begorra!” cried Pat in alarm, “’Tis no more Scots I’ll be after robbing! if he’d had tin cints he’d have killed the four of us.”
“Say, Reverend,” said a church member who was inclined to backslide rather frequently. “I’m worried about how I’m going to get my shirt over my wings in heaven.”
“Well,” said the minister, “I’d be more worried about how to get my trousers over my long forked tail, if I were you.”
What Fall Was There!
Hubby: “What is this you are serving, dear? Is it devil’s food?”
Wife: “Yes. I intended it for angel food, but it fell.”
Plain to Be Seen
Mrs.: Doesn’t that contralto singer have a very large repertoire?”
Mr.: “Yes, and that dress she’s wearing makes it look a lot worse.”
“I read in a book that Apollo was chasing a nymph and she turned into a tree.”
“He was lucky. The one I’m chasing always turn into a jewelry shop or a restaurant.”
They Would Follow
Speaker: “My friends, if all the saloons were at the bottom of the sea, what would be the result?”
Voice: “Lots of old soaks would get drowned.”
A boy rushed into a drugstore. “Father’s being chased by a bull!” he cried.
“Well, what do you expect me to do?” asked the clerk.
“Gimme a roll of film for my camera – and hurry up!”
Tit for Tat
Miss Sharp: “The great men are all dead. Isn’t it a pity?”
Smart: “But the beautiful women are not.”
Miss Sharp: “Of course not. I always except present company.”
Smart: “So do I.”
The Safe Way
A Scotsman and his wife walked the dusty miles from their farm to the county fair, the wife laden down with a heavy basket that contained their lunch. The generous husband, however, was not wholly inconsiderate of his wife’s comfort. Inside the gates he turned to her and said:
“You’d better let me carry the basket now, Mary; we might get separated in the crowd.”
It was at a first aid lecture and the doctor had just asked a listener what he would do if he had rescued a man from drowning. “Lay him on his chest and apply artificial respiration,” was the reply.
“But,” said the doctor, “what if the man had a broken rib?”
“Then I’d lay him on his back and use his arms to apply Sylvester’s method.”
“Yes,” said the doctor, “but suppose his arms were broken, too?”
“Then,” answered the man, “I’d throw the blighter back and let someone else find him.”