More magazine mirth from those merry Mormons —
More of a Job
“Is that wife of yours as beautiful as ever?”
“Yes, but it takes her a little longer these days.”
Dorothy: “And Jack, the darling, told me I was the only girl he ever loved.”
Della: “Yes, and doesn’t he say it beautifully!”
“I think it’s horrid when people ask personal questions.”
“So do I – Sue asked me the other day how much John earned a week.”
“Such poor taste! How much does he?”
His Own Fault
“I’m a self-made man.”
“Yes, that’s what comes of hiring cheap labor.”
The city council was in session when a slight earthquake occurred, noticeably shaking the building. Mayor and aldermen departed without formalities, but the city clerk, a man of rules and regulations, stayed until he could make a proper entry in the meeting minutes. He wrote:
“On motion of the city hall, the council adjourned.”
The daughter of a clergyman was asked, “Sadie, does your papa ever preach the same sermon twice?”
Sadie indulged in a moment’s reflection and then replied, “Yes, I think he does, but I think he hollers in different places.”
Seeing her former suitor at a party, a girl decided to snub him.
“So sorry,” she murmured when the hostess introduced him, “but I didn’t get your name.”
“I know you didn’t,” said the unabashed f.s., “but you certainly tried hard enough.”
One Way to Get a Kitten
Jean longed for a kitten. When illness made it necessary for her to go to the hospital her mother said:
“I will make a bargain with you, Jean. if you will be a brave girl about your operation, you shall have the nicest little kitten I can find.”
Jean took the ether, but later, as she came out from under the anesthetic, she realized how wretched she felt. The nurse leaned over to catch her first spoken word.
“What a bum way to get a cat!” she moaned.
Private Rooney was called before the lieutenant. “Rooney,” said the officer, “take my horse down and have him shod.”
Three hours later the lieutenant was beginning to get impatient. He called for Rooney again.
“Look here, Rooney,” he said, “where’s that horse I told you to have shod?”
“Omigosh!” gasped Rooney, “did you say shod?”
A Scotsman had been away from home three years. Returning, he found his four brothers wearing long beards.
“Why all the hair-r?” he asked.
“Why, Sandy,” said one, “dinna ye remember ye took the razor wi’ ye?”
The mathematics professor had not been asleep long when his wife heard a series of heartrending groans. Rushing to his room, she found him sitting upright on the bed, holding his face in his hands.
“What is the matter, dear?” she asked in great anxiety.
“I’ve had the most terrible dream,” replied the professor. “I dreamt that our little Charlie was a minus quantity under the radical sign, and I couldn’t get him out.”
Surprise that Backfired
Wife (paying a surprise visit to husband in office and clapping her hands over his eyes): “Guess who it is.”
Husband: “Stop fooling and get on with your work.”
“Half the City Council Are Crooks,” was the glaring headline.
A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under penalty of arrest.
Next afternoon the headlines read: “Half the City Council Aren’t Crooks.”
Or in Jail
Teacher: “Have you heard of Julius Caesar?”
Pupil: “Yes, sir.”
Teacher: “What do you think he would be doing now if he were alive?”
Pupil: “Drawing the old age pension.”
Be Satisfied with What You Got
Smithers: “That sister-in-law of yours is certainly a grouch. All she does is sit around and gloom.”
Blithers: “Yes, but that’s all right. Let her alone. When she is in good humor she sings.”
The Way He Looked at It
Traveler: “But it isn’t sanitary to have your house built over your hog pen that way.”
Native: “Well, I dunno, Mister. We ain’t lost a hog in 15 years.”