An Extravagant Wife
A farmer asked a farm hand the cause of his worried and harassed expression.
“Th’ trouble, boss,” said the hand, “is mah wife. She is the stravagantest person I know. She is always after money. Money this, money that, more money. She come t’ me for one dollar, an’ then she wants two dollars, an’ so it goes.”
“But, Joe,” inquired the boss, “what does she do with all this money?”
“Well, th’ fact is, boss,” explained Joe, “I ain’t give her none yet!”
A young man – an only son – married against the wishes of his parents. A short time afterward, in telling a friend how to break the news to them, he said:
“Start off by telling them that I am dead, and then gently work up to the climax.”
An Egg Story
Pete: “Ain’t it frightful, Lucas, the way eggs is rising?”
Lucas: “I should say. What is the cause of it?”
Pete: “Why, the war, of course.”
Lucas: “Great scott! They’re not fighting with eggs, are they?”
The new maid from Finland entered her mistress’s presence one morning and announced:
“The cat’s had chickens, ma’am.”
“Nonsense, Alma!” replied Mrs. West. “You mean kittens. Cats don’t have chickens.”
“Was them kittens or chickens the master brought home last night?”
“Chickens, of course.”
“Well, ma’am, that’s what the cat has had.”
“Where’s your little brother?”
“He hurt himself.”
“We were seeing who could lean out of the window the farthest, and he won.”
“Are you a native of this place?” asked a traveler in Kentucky, of a resident.
“Am I what?” said the puzzled man.
“I say, are you a native here?”
While the man was still hesitating over his answer, his wife came to the door.
“Ain’t you got no sense?” she exclaimed. “The gentleman means was you livin’ here when you was born, or was you born before you began livin’ here. Now, answer the gentleman!”
A Reasonable Excuse
Smith was summoned as a witness in an aggravated case of assault and battery, and frankly answered every question put to him by the lawyers. Finally the judge turned to the witness with a look of surprise.
“You mean to say, sir,” he remarked severely, “that you saw the plaintiff pursued; that you saw him thrown to the ground and beaten with a piece of lead pipe?”
“Yes, sir, your honor,” was the calm rejoinder of the witness.
“You saw all that,” returned the judge with a show of indignation, “and never lifted a hand to help the unfortunate man?”
“Well, sir,” answered Smith, “I thought they was takin’ pictures for the movies.”
Late for the Eight-Eight
“So you don’t like living in the country?” says I to ex-Chief of Police Jim Jones. “What do you miss most since moving out of town, Jim?”
“Trains, my boy, trains.”
A Cruel Blow
“I see you have your arm in a sling,” said the inquisitive passenger. “Broken, isn’t it?”
“Yes, sir,” responded the other passenger.”
“Meet with an accident?”
“No; broke it while trying to pay myself on the back.”
“Great scott! What for?”
“For minding my own business.”
Mining-Stock Promoter: “Where can I hide? The police are coming!”
Chief Clerk: “Get into the card-index case. I defy any one to find anything in there.”
He Would Conquer
Client: “Didn’t you make a mistake going into the law instead of into the army?”
Client: “By the way you charge, there would be little left of the enemy.”
A Good Boy
Tommy’s teacher had reported him as the best boy in her class, and consequently his mother felt justified in discussing with him that evening at supper the evil character of the other boys in the neighborhood.
“I wouldn’t be with that Charlie Binks, if I were you, Tommy,” said his mother. “I was told this morning that he was seen sticking pins into his little dog. But I know you wouldn’t do such a thing.”
“No, mother,” he answered, “of course I wouldn’t.”
“But,” broke in his father, “I heard that you were there at the time Charlie was sticking in the pins. You should have stopped him, my lad.”
For a moment Tommy’s face fell, but he soon recovered himself.
“I couldn’t stop him, father,” he exclaimed. “You see, I was holding the dog.”
“What are the bonds of matrimony?”
A Felicitous Deficit
Caller: “How much for a marriage license?”
Town Clerk: “One dollar.”
Caller: “I’ve only got fifty cents.”
Town Clerk: “You’re lucky.”
Pup: “Great cats! That’s a nerve! Somebody has put up a building right where I buried a bone!”
A Good Disguise
“Poverty is a blessing in disguise,” quoted the sage.
“Well,” replied the fool, “the disguise is certainly effective.”
“Your boys were in my apple-tree again yesterday,” observed the first suburbanite.
“If you say anything more about it,” declared the second ditto, “I’ll send you the doctor’s bill.”
Bobbie’s mother had just taken out her winter garments. “Ma,” said the observant little fellow, “what did moths live on before Adam and Eve wore clothes?”