The Improvement Era asked its readers to submit Mormon-flavored jokes this year, mixed with the magazine’s usual brand of humor. Illustrations were provided by the Era’s in-house artist, Fielding K. (“Smat”) Smith.
Tommy: “Grandma, if I was invited out to dinner, should I eat pie with a fork?”
Grandma: “Yes, indeed, Tommy.”
Tommy: “You haven’t got a pie in the house that I could practice on, have you, Grandma?”
Small Town Psychology
When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
Tourist (having looked over historic castle – speaking to butler): “We’ve made a stupid mistake. I tipped his lordship instead of you.”
Butler: “That’s awkward. I’ll never get it now.
The Secret of Christmas Ties
A man looking at some neckties tossed one or two aside rather contemptuously. Lingering, after having made his purchase, he noticed that the clerk put those he had so positively rejected in a separate box.
“What becomes of them?” he inquired.
“We sell them to the women who come in here to buy ties for men,” was the reply.
The student may be reinstated only if absences are caused by long continued illness or death – From the Catalogue of a Certain American University.
Well Grounded Fears
Horace Greeley once said he didn’t believe in ghosts, but was afraid of them. Many fathers are that way about Santa Claus.
Of Course, It Isn’t Like Cash!
A well-known attorney was always lecturing his office boy, whether he needed it or not. One day he chanced to hear the following conversation between the boy and the one employed next door:
“How much does your chief pay you?” asked the latter.
“I get $1,500 a year. Five dollars a week in cash and the rest in legal advice!”
Among His Souvenirs
Comforting Friend: “You will soon forget her and be happy again.”
Jilted Suitor: “oh, no, I shan’t! I’ve bought too many things for her on the installment plan!”
Worse, Worser, Worstest
Sam married Eliza. In about two weeks he came to the reverend gentleman who had tied the knot, looking as if he had lost his last friend in the world.
“What’s the matter, Sam; aren’t you happy?” the preacher inquired.
“No, sir, parson. I want a divorce.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Sam, but you must remember that you took Eliza for better or worse.”
“I know that, parson, but she’s worse than I took her for.”
“And has your baby learned to talk yet?”
“Oh, my, yes. We’re teaching him to keep quiet, now.”
Another Word of Wisdom Argument
And then there is the story of the dear old lady who said that she knew the Word of Wisdom was true because look what happened to the men who were involved in the Teapot Dome scandal.
A Blessing with a Promise
The young father had asked his friend to go with him on the appointed Fast Day to assist him in naming his baby. The occasion came, and the friend, being voice, and having exhausted all ready words, was groping for a suitable conclusion and finally promised the child that it should be “known for good and evil in all the world.”
“Have you ever been to the zoo?”
“Well, you ought to go sometime. You’d get a big kick out of watching the turtles zip past.”
A Scotchman had to send an urgent telegram, and not wishing to spend more money than necessary, wrote like this: “Bruises hurt erased afford erected analysis hurt too infectious dead.” (10 words.)
The Scotchman who received it immediately decided it was: “Bruce is hurt. He raced a Ford. He wrecked it, and Alice is hurt, too. In fact, she’s dead. (19 words.)
The Bashful Suitor
Wes is a shy young man who wanted to propose to his lady love but never dared. Finally he took her to the family lot in the cemetery and said, “Wouldn’t you like to be buried there some day?”
The young missionary was beginning his first day’s tracting. He knocked on the door of the first house. A kindly looking lady appeared. “Well, young man, what can I do for you?”
“Madam, I have come to bring you the true religion.”
“But, young man, we have a religion and we are satisfied with it.”
“Madam, you ought not to be satisfied with it, for it is not the true one.”
“Then, young man, give me your telephone number and when we become dissatisfied with our religion we will telephone you.”
“Well, Bob, I see you’re back for fighting with your wife. Liquor again?”
“No, sir, Judge, she licked me this time.”
“What!” said the warden, “You back again?”
“Yeh. Any letters?”
And now that the hunting season has opened, we have a little advice for the hunters:
If it stands on its hind legs and wears glasses and an old hat, it is not a squirrel.
On the other hand, if it doesn’t wear a vest, necktie, a moustache or a hat, it is probably a cow.
If it has on a red shirt and carries a gun, it couldn’t possibly be a pheasant, a sage hen, or a deer.
The Cause of Grief
One lady, whose matrimonial burdens were well known to the little town, was found to be weeping uncontrollably for an unreasonably long time after learning of the death of President Wilford Woodruff. When friends remonstrated that she had never known Brother Woodruff personally and had seen him only a few times, and should not be so demonstrably grief-stricken over his death, she retorted brokenly: “All the good men, they can die; but my old man, he can live.”