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Funny Bones, 1914 (3)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - May 29, 2010

Unkind to the Pigs

A minister, spending a holiday in the North of Ireland, was out walking, and, feeling ver thirsty, called at a farmhouse for a drink of milk. The farmer’s wife gave him a large bowl of milk, and while he was quenching his thirst a number of pigs got round about him. The minister noticed that the pigs were very strange in their manner, so he said:

“My good lady, why are the pigs so excited?”

The farmer’s wife replied, “Sure, it’s no wonder they are excited, sir; it’s their own little bowl you are drinking out of!”

Got Even

Bilson, who is a stout man, was running to catch a train the other day, when his friend Jones called out: “Halloa, Bilson! In a hurry? Going somewhere?”

Keeping his breath for other purposes, Bilson made no reply, but he determined to take a terrible revenge. About one o’clock next morning he called Jones up on the telephone. After a great deal of ringing, a sleepy voice at the other end of the wire told him Jones was there.

“That you, Jones?” queried Bilson.

“Who do you want?” asked Jones. “I’ve been in bed these two hours.”

“I’m Bilson,” went on the other. “Remember seeing me running this morning, eh? Yes? Well, I was going somewhere, and I was in a hurry. Goodnight.”

Then Bilson hung up the receiver and got back into bed a happy man.

Too Forgiving

Clergyman: “Look here, Patsey Shea, if you’re a sensible man you’ll never let a drop of liquor pass your lips again. Sure, ‘tis your worst enemy.”

Patsey: “Arrah, now, your riverince, and haven’t you told us from the pulpit that we wor to love our enemies?”

Clergyman: “True for you, Patsey; but I never told you that you were to swallow them.”

At Last

News Item: English Society Women Take Up Poker.

Editor’s Note: London Bridge is Falling Down.

Hard on the Dog

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

“Oh, John!” she sobbed on his shoulder, “I had baked a lovely cake, and I put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry, and – and the dog ate it!”

“Well, don’t cry about it sweetheart,” he consoled, patting the pretty, flushed cheeks. “I know a man who will give us another dog!”

Rare Stock

“This dog of mine is some dog, let me tell you! he has a wonderful pedigree.”

“I suppose you trace him away back to the dog Noah took into the ark.”

“Say, this dog’s ancestors didn’t go into the ark. He had a bark of his own.”

A Truly Useful Animal

Senator Martine of New Jersey tells of a farm hand whom he employed, who is much given to philosophizing.

One morning when the Senator was wandering over the farm, he came upon his man feeding the chickens. Alexander stopped him with: –

“Good mornin’, sir. I been thinking this mornin’ and I made up my mind, sir, as I was lookin’ at these here chickens, that they are the usefullest animal there is. You can eat ’em before they’re born, and after they’re dead!”

A Diagnosis

“I want a nice light book to read on the train.”

“How would the ‘Last Days of Pompeii’ do?”

“Pompeii? Who was he? How did he die?”

“I think it was some kind of an eruption.”

A Matter of Temperance

Teacher (severely): “What will your father say to your low average?”

Youngster(with hesitation): “When dad sees I’m down to zero, he’ll warm me up, I guess.”

Isn’t This Awful!

“That little chicken is a glutton.”

“Yes; it takes a peck at a time.”

London Explained

A teacher asked her class to write an essay on London. Later she was surprised to read the following in one attempt:

“The people of London are noted for their stupidity.” The young author was asked how he got that idea.

“Please, miss,” was the reply,”it says in the textbook the population of London is very dense!”

The Exact Spot

“A train leaves New York,” supposed the teacher, “traveling forty miles an hour. It is followed thirty minutes later by a train traveling eighty miles an hour. At what point will the second train run into the first?”

The class seemed at a loss; that is, all except Willie Green, who was standing in the aisle vigorously, wagging his hand.

“Well, Willie?” said the teacher.

“At the hind end of the rear car, ma’am,” answered Willie.

What He Gave Brother

Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday School teacher: “And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother for Christmas this year?”

“I dunno,” said Harry. “I gave him the measles last year.”

The Utmost in Care

“Shall I pump up the tires, sir?’

“Wait until we get out into the country, Jacques. I heard a doctor say that the air around here is very impure.”

Great Progress

“I am glad to see you home, Johnny,” said the father to his small son who had been away at school, but who was now home on his Christmas vacation. “How are you getting on at school?”

“Fine,” said Johnny. “I have learned to say ‘Thank you’ and ‘If you please’ in French.”

“Good!” said the father. “That’s more than you ever learned to say in English.”

Obvious

“I suppose you have heard of the Fool Killer.”

“Yes; but I’ve never met him.”

“That is quite obvious.”

On the Home Track

“Dad, I was simply great in the relay events,” boasted the boy from college.

“That’s fine, son! We’ll make use of them talents. Your ma will soon be ready to relay the carpets.”

She Knew from Experience

“What is conscience?” asked the Sunday School teacher. There was a dead silence from the class.

“Oh, you know,” she said encouragingly. “What is it that tells us when we do wrong?”

“I know,” said the littlest girl in the class: “it’s Grandma.”

A War Time Remedy

Johnny: “Maw, I haven’t got enough butter for my bread.”

Mother: “Well, then, put some of the bread back.”

A Nice Dry Heat

“It’s pretty hot here, isn’t it?” said a new arrival to Lucifer.

“Yes,” replied his Satanic Majesty. “The heat is what you might call excessive; but then it’s dry heat. There is no humidity about it.”

A Guess

Teacher: “Now, children, can you tell me what are the national flowers of England?”

Class: “Roses.”

Teacher: “And France?”

Class: “Lilies.”

Teacher: “And Spain?”

(Silence for a minute – then small voice at back of schoolroom.)

“Bullrushes, ma’am.”



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