Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1941 (3)
 


Funny Bones, 1941 (3)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - May 22, 2010

Saturday morning … rev up your funny bones:

Safely Held

Mrs. Scarponi (standing in swimming pool up to her neck): “My goodness, Tony, where’sa da baby?”

Mr. Scarponi (beside her): “He’s all right. I gotta him by da hand.”

Plain Talk

Mother: “You know, Jeffrey, Norma is nearly 17 years old, so today I had a frank discussion with her about the facts of life.”

Father: “Ah! Did you learn anything new?”

The Cynic

The one-ring circus was visiting a town in the hills. The folks there recognized all the instruments of the band except the slide trombone.

One old settler watched the player for quite some time, then said: “There’s a trick to it; he ain’t really swallerin’ it.”

Going on Forever

An eloquent parson in the South had been preaching for an hour or so on the immortality of the soul. “I looked at the mountains,” he declaimed, and could not help thinking, ‘Beautiful as you are, you will be destroyed, while my soul will not.’ I gazed upon the ocean and cried, ‘Mighty as you are, you will eventually dry up, but not I!’”

A Veiled Suggestion

Voice over the phone: “I sent my little son, James to your store for five pounds of apples, and I find on weighing them that you sent only four and a quarter pounds.”

The Grocer: “Madam, my scales are regularly inspected and are correct. Have you weighed your little boy?”

Hardly Fills the Bill

Bob – “This is a splendid suit. I’ve nothing but praise for my tailor!”

Robbie – “So he told me.”

A Long Time Between Baths

“Once a year the newsboys of a certain district of London are taken for an outing up the Thames by a gentleman of the neighborhood, where they can bathe to their heart’s content.

As one little boy was getting into the water, a friend observed: “I say, Bill, ain’t you dirty!”

“Yes,” replied Bill. “I missed the train last year.”

The Answer

“Uncle,” said the earnest young man, “I am desperately in love with a lovely young girl. How can I learn what she really thinks of me?”

“Marry her, my boy; marry her!”

Tainted Money

“I suppose,” Jerry,” said the eminent statesman, looking through his pocketbook for a new dollar bill, “like a lot of other people nowadays, you would rather have clean money?”

“Oh, that’s all right,” said the cabman, “I don’t care how you made your money.”

No Free Help

A Yankee was on a Christmas walking tour in Scotland. Snow had fallen and he was struggling along a narrow road when he met a Highlander.

“I guess I’m lost!” he told the Scot plaintively.

Scot: “Is there a reward ott for ye?”

American: “Nope.”

Scot: “Weel, ye’re still lost.”

Nearly Finished

Spree: “So you are building a new house. How are you getting on with it?”

Whiffenpoof: “Fine. We’ve got the roof and the mortgage on it and we expect to have the furnace and the sheriff in by Christmas.”

After School

At the conclusion of the school term prizes were distributed. When one of the pupils returned home his mother chanced to be entertaining callers.

“Well, Charlie,” asked one of these, “did you win a prize?”

“Not exactly,” said Charlie, “but I got a horrible mention.”

Did He Mean “Quints”

Two long separated friends had met, and the usual polite inquiries were being made. “And how is your wife?”

“Not so good. She’s just had quinsy.”

“Gosh! And how many does that make you, now?”

A Love Story – By Extraction

“Elmer, do you love me?”

“I’ll say.”

“Do you think I’m beautiful?”

“You bet.”

“Are my eyes the loveliest you have ever gazed into?”

“Shucks, yes!”

“Is my mouth like a rose bud?”

“Sure it is.”

“Is my figure divine?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh, Elmer, you say the nicest things. Tell me some more.”



2 Comments »

  1. Perhaps I’m just in a funny mood (immigration discussions, anyone?!) but I find a number of these very funny. No one’s safe! Preachers, politicians, parents… Wait! Where are the lawyer jokes?

    Comment by Researcher — May 22, 2010 @ 10:15 am

  2. They’re all at the bottom of the ocean, Researcher.

    I thought this group was pretty good, but my wife and daughter didn’t like “Plain Talk” very much at all.

    Comment by Bruce Crow — May 22, 2010 @ 8:49 pm

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