The Bluff that Won
An Englishman and an Irishman made a bet as to which could swim the longest. On the day of the race the Irishman came to the shore in a bathing suit and a large satchel on his back. The Englishman asked what he had in the bag.
“Provisions for three days,” coolly answered Pat.
“That bet’s off,” said the Englishman, as he handed Pat the money.
A few days later he heard that Paddy couldn’t swim a stroke.
Mr. Slimson: “Willie, didn’t you go to the trunkmaker’s yesterday and tell him to send the trunk I ordered?”
Willie: “Yes, pa.”
Mr. Slimson: “Well, here is the trunk, but no strap.”
Willie: “Yes, pa; but I told him I thought you hadn’t better have any strap.”
When He Stammered
He had appealed to the doctor for aid.
“Do you stammer all the time?” asked the man of science.
“N-n-n-n-no,” he sputtered, “I only st-st-st-st-st-st-stammer when I t-t-t-t-talk.”
Getting It Straight
“After all,” said Kwoter, “it’s a true saying that ‘he laughs best who laughs last.’”
“Not at all,” replied Wise. “The really true saying is: ‘He laughs best whose laugh lasts.’”
The Way of the Dog
A Connecticut man, while visiting New York, decided that he needed a bulldog at his country home, and his wife and son admitted that he did. Unfortunately, however, the three could not agree on a choice, so finally the father bought three dogs, the selection of each, from three different dealers.
As the family were to spend the summer in the White Mountains, he gave instructions to have the dogs shipped to his destination there, at the same time wiring the stable-keeper at the hotel to be on the lookout for the dogs and to care for them until he arrived. A few days later he received this reply:
“Dear Sir: Your three bulldogs arrived all right last night on the same train. I locked them up together last night in a box-stall.
“Yours truly, Sam Wheeler.
“P.S. – We have only one box-stall.
“P.P.S. – You will have to buy some more dogs.”
The Way It Sounded
Suspicious Customer: “What soup is this?”
Waiter: “It’s bean soup, sir.”
Suspicious Customer: “I know it has been soup, but what is it now?”
“He never spanks his son, does he?”
“No; he’s an efficiency crank.”
“What’s that got to do with it?”
“He says the upward stroke is lost motion.”
“Is my wife forward?” asked the passenger on the Limited.
“She wasn’t to me, sir,” answered the conductor politely.
A Slight Difference
Father, who had been dozing in his chair, suddenly felt a stinging pain on the top of his bald head that sent him rolling to the floor. Scrambling to his feet he excitedly exclaimed:
“What the – who – what was that, anyway?”
Little Ferdinand chuckled gleefully as he replied:
“It was me papa. I hit you on the head with the new fly swatter.”
“Fly swatter nothing,” cried father. “Dog-gone it, boy, that is a toasting iron.”
Mary’s Little Cold
Mary had a little cold
Which started in her head,
And everywhere that Mary went
That cold was sure to spread.
She took it into school one day,
There wasn’t any rule.
It made the children cough and sneeze
To have that cold at school.
The teacher tried to turn it out,
She tried hard, but – keechoo –
It didn’t do a bit of good
For teacher caught it, too.
Had to Be
Five-year-old Jimmie was telling about some medicine he had taken while ill.
“Yes,” he said, “I took some compulsion of cod-liver oil, and – ”
“You mean emulsion, don’t you – not compulsion?” said the visitor.
“Well,” rejoined Jimmie, “there was a goo deal of compulsion about it.”
“Even animals show their feeling,” remarked De Wolf Hopper, the comedian, to a friend the other day. “Only yesterday an animal showed me gratitude. I was wandering along a stream in the country when I met a cow in great distress. Her calf was drowning. I plunged in the water and rescued the calf and the grateful cow licked my hand.”
“That wasn’t gratitude,” replied the friend. “The cow thought she had twins.”
A Recipe for Immortality
Pat and Mike were obliged to halt their heavily-loaded cart to make way for a funeral. Gazing at the procession, Pat suddenly remarked:
“Mike, I wish I knew where I was goin’ to die. I’d give five hundred pounds to know the place where I’m going to die.”
“Well, Pat, what good would it do if yez knew?”
“Lots,” said Pat. “Sure, I’d niver go near thot place.”
And Mrs. Grundy?
Half-and-halfed Saturday –
And as there was nothing left to learn except La Frulana, which isn’t popular yet, Rested on Sunday –
This is the end
Of Solomon Grundy.
A Sad Thought
“What could be more sad than a man without a country?” feelingly asked the high school literature teacher of her class.
“A country without a man,” responded a pretty girl just as feelingly.
An old German farmer entered the office of a wholesale druggist one morning and addressed the proprietor.
“Mister Becker, I haf der schmall pox – “
“Merciful heavens, Mr. Jacobs,” exclaimed Becker, as the office force scrambled over each other in their hurry to get out, “don’t come any nearer!”
“Vot’s der madder mit you fellers, any how?” quietly replied Jacobs. “I say I have der schmall pox of butter out in mine wagon vot der Mrs. Becker ortered las’ week alreaty.”