Can’t You Come In?
Dentist: “You don’t need to open your mouth so wide. I’m going to stand outside.”
In the Barber Shop
Barber: “Will you have anything on your face after I’ve finished shaving you, sir?”
Patron: “It doesn’t seem likely.”
First Kangaroo: “Annabelle, where is the baby?”
Second Kangaroo: “My goodness, I’ve had my pocket picked.”
City Visitor: “Which is correct, ‘a hen is sitting’ or ‘a hen is setting’?”
Farmer: “I don’t know, and I don’t care. All I bother about is when she cackles – is she laying or is she lying?”
You may talk of signs of weather,
Of coming days you may sing;
But when you sit on a good sharp tack,
It’s a sign of an early spring.
Sergeant: “Did you shave this morning?”
New recruit: “Yes, Sir.”
Sergeant: “Well, tomorrow stand a little closer to the razor.”
Mrs. Jones went into her kitchen to find the maid sitting on the butler’s lap.
“Is this what I pay you for?” she stormed.
“No, madam,” replied the maid, “I do this for nothing.”
Mrs. Gabber: “Baby will be walking soon.”
Mr. Gabber: I’m afraid so. The finance company is threatening to repossess our car.”
“Why is Perkins pacing up and down in front of his house like that?”
“He’s awfully worried about his wife, poor chap.”
“Why, what’s she got?”
We Believe It
Nervous Passenger: “Don’t drive so fast around the corners. It makes me nervous.”
Driver: “If you don’t want to get scared, do as I do – shut your eyes when we come to the corners.”
How It Happened
Archibald Percival Reginald Earl decided one evening to call on his girl.
Together they talked of their kith and their kin.
He said, “May I kith you?” and she said, “You kin.”
“I’m glad to see you’re getting to work on time these days.”
“Yes, sir, I bought myself a parrot.”
“A parrot? I thought I told you to get an alarm clock.”
“I did, but I soon got used to it. Now I put the alarm clock beside the parrot’s cage, and when the alarm goes off what that parrot says is enough to get the whole block up!”
Boy: “Better marry me, baby, I’m strong and healthy.”
Girl: “Nothing doing, big boy. I want a guy who’s weak and wealthy.”
“Ah,” said the guest as he and his host approached the house, “I see your dear son and daughter awaiting us on the porch.”
“Well, not quite,” said the host. “You see, the girl in the short dress is my mother, and the young fellow in riding breeches is my wife.”
Out With It!
“My wife is outspoken.”
Out for a Good Time
“What d’ya say, Jim, we get our wives together tonight and have a big time.”
“Okay by me, Joe, where’ll we leave ‘em?”
Not Grammar but Appetite
Teacher: “Johnnie, what did you have for breakfast?”
Johnnie: “Teacher, I et six eggs.”
Teacher; “Why, Johnnie! You should say ‘ate.’”
Johnnie: “Well, maybe it was eight I et.”
At the Fountain
Hearing someone call the young man at the soda fountain, “Doc,” the innocent old lady inquired, “Are you a doctor?”
“Yes, ma’am,” replied with a grin. “I’m a fizzician.”
The Usual Way
“But surely,” cried Jean, “you didn’t tell him straight out that you loved him.”
“Goodness, no,” Mildred replied calmly. “He had to squeeze it out of me.”
The Way of Life
Angry Hubby: “Don’t I get any voice in our buying?”
Wifey: “Sure, dearie, the invoice.”