“But why did you leave your last place?” the lady asked the would-be cook.
“To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn’t stand the way the master an’ the missus used to quarrel, mum.”
“Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?”
“Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn’t me an’ him, it was me an’ her.”
Where Willie Was
“Why are you moping there, Tom?”
“I’ve no one to play with.”
“Well, go and get Willie next door.”
“I played with him yesterday, and I don’t guess he’s well enough to come out yet.”
“Sis won’t be able to see you tonight, Mr. Jones,” said her little brother. “She’s had a tur-rble accident.”
“Is that so? What happened?”
“All her hair got burned up.”
“Good heavens! Was she burned?”
“Naw, she wasn’t there. She don’t know about it yet.”
They’re All Wondering
“Mama, why did you marry papa?”
“So you’ve begun to wonder, too?”
Little Robert: “Ma, was Robinson Crusoe an acrobat?”
Mother: “I don’t know. Why?”
Little Robert: “Well, here it reads that after he had finished his day’s work, he sat down on his chest.”
The Real Story of the Early Worm
“Yes, dad,” said the up-to-date youth flippantly, “that’s a very nice story about the early bird and the worm, but it seems to me that the worm didn’t get much by rising early.”
“I am informed,” said the father, “that the worm had not been to bed at all, but was just returning home from the night before.”
And, there being nothing more to say, the young man said it.
“Mrs. Clinnick thinks a great deal of her husband.”
“You’ve got the wrong preposition. Make it ‘for’ instead of ‘of.’”
A German peddler rapped timidly at the kitchen entrance.
Mrs. Carter, angry at being interrupted in her washing, flung open the door and glowered at him.
“Did ye wish to see me?” she demanded in threatening tones.
“Vell, if I did,” he assured her with an apologetic grin, “I got my vish; thank you.”
The Other Way ‘Round
A tourist traveling in the Rocky Mountains, was introduced to an old hunter who claims to have killed no fewer than four hundred bears.
“Bill,” said the introducer, “this feller wants to hear some narrer escapes you’ve had from bears.”
The old man, rubbing his eyes, looked the stranger over, and said:
“Young man, if there’s been any narrer escapes, the bears had ‘em.”
When the train stopped at the little Southern station the tourist from the North sauntered out and gazed curiously at a lean animal with scraggy bristles, which was rubbing itself against a scrub oak.
“What do you call that?” he asked curiously of a native.
“Razorback hawg, sir.”
“What is he doing, rubbing himself against that tree?’
“He’s stropping hisself, sir, just stropping hisself.”
A boy was recently asked to give a description of water, and this is what he wrote: “Water is a white liquid which turns completely black the moment you put your hands in it.”
Otherwise All Right
“Is your husband troubled with insomnia, Mrs. Nurich?”
“No, indeed. He doesn’t sleep very well, but otherwise his health is perfect.”
An Irritating Sight
Harold: “What are you picking on me for? I didn’t do anything!”
Mickey: “Ye don’t have t’ do nuthin’. It’s yer looks that gits me goat.”
Again the Tempter
The sailor had been showing the lady visitor over the ship. In thanking him she said:
“I see by the rules of your ship tips are forbidden.”
“Lor’ bless yer ‘eart, ma’am,” replied Jack, “so were the apples in the garden of Eden.”
A Dangerous Practice
Breathlessly he rushed into the barbershop and sprang into the chair.
“I want a shave and a hair-cut, and I have only fifteen minutes,” he said.
Old Fritz stopped to consider, and asked “Vitch do you vant the most?”
The shave took about eleven minutes. As Fritz removed th towel from his customer’s neck, he said: “Mine friend, don’t nefer again ask a barber to cut your hairs and shafe you in fifteen minutes, pecause some time you might find a barber vat would do it.”
Two nurse-maids were wheeling their infant charges in the park when one asked the other:
“Are you going to the dance tomorrow afternoon?”
“I am afraid not.”
“What!” exclaimed the other, “And you so fond of dancing!”
“I’d love to go,” explained the conscientious maid, “but to tell you the truth, I am afraid to leave the baby with its mother.”
They Talked a Varied Language
A regiment of soldiers were at camp, and a young Scottish recruit was put on sentry duty outside the generals’ tent. In the morning the general rose, looked out of his tent, and said to the young man in a stern and loud voice:
“Who are you?”
The young man turned round smartly and said:
“Fine. Hoo’s yersel’?”
Tacked on to an Old Joke
Out in Norton, the superintendent was examining the school. “Who wrote Hamlet?” he asked.
A very frightened little boy rose and said: “Please, sir, I didn’t.” The superintendent was afterward relating the incident to the members of the school board. “Haw, haw,” guffawed one. “I bet the little rascal did, all the same.”