From the magazines of 1931 — some of the jokes that wouldn’t make it into a church magazine today will take your breath away!
Cad: “Did Brother Brown give the bride away?”
Caddy: “”No, sir; he’s going to let the groom find out for himself.”
Oh Julius! Seize Her!
“What ho! Cassius, what means the word ‘symmetry’?”
“Begone, fool, a symmetry is a place where the dead are buried.”
Rules to Be Broken
“I understand,’ said the Scotchman, “that tipping is forbidden in this hotel.”
“Yes, sir,” said the porter, “it is – but so were those apples in the Garden of Eden.”
“And your husband has a prosperous business, I suppose.”
“Oh, yes, he is taking in a lot of money. Only last night he told me a receiver was to be appointed to assist him.”
Nary a Hoot
Man: “What are you looking so miserable about, fool?
Another: “I feel like a dumb owl.”
Man: “A dumb owl? What do you mean?”
Another: “I just don’t give a hoot.”
Teacher (in grammar class): “Willie, please tell me what it is, when I say, ‘I love, you love, he loves –’”
Willie: “That’s one of them triangles where somebody gets shot.”
Making It Clear
Extract from the letter of a quick-tempered business man:
“My stenographer, being a lady, cannot transcribe what I think of you. I, being a gentleman, cannot think it. But you, being neither, will doubtless understand what I mean.”
She Got Hers
A dear old lady happened to be passing when an angler landed a very small fish.
“Don’t you think it very unsportsmanlike to take such a small fish?” she said.
“Anyway, Madam,” was the reply, “it should teach you a lesson. If the fish had kept its mouth shut it wouldn’t have got into trouble.”
The miracle of Lot’s wife turning to salt has nothing on this case. Mr. Wood and Mr. Stone were standing on the corner talking. A pretty girl drove by in a beautiful roadster.
Wood turned to stone, Stone turned to wood, and they both turned to rubber.
What’s the Use?
Mother: “When that naughty boy threw stones at you, why didn’t you come and tell me instead of throwing them back at him?”
Willie: “What good would it do to tell you? You couldn’t hit the side of a barn.”
Null: “I started out with the thought that the world had an opening for me.”
Void: “And you found it?”
Null: “Well, rather; I’m in the hole now.”
“You ought to buy your son an encyclopedia,” the book agent said, “now that he is going to school.”
“Not on your life,” came back the father. “Let him walk, the same as I did.”
For years and years, the two sexes raced for supremacy – now they’ve settled down to neck and neck.
The End of the Week
Schoolmaster – “This makes the fifth time I have punished you this week. What have you to say?”
Youth – “I am glad it’s Friday, sir.”
Still on His Pay Roll
Charlie – “So you married your employer! How long did you work for him?”
Myrtle – “Till I got him.”
Mrs. Youngbride (lover the phone): “Mother, won’t you give me a recipe for hash?”
Mother: “There is no recipe for hash; it just collects for several days.”
That Would Be Tough
The Doctor – “And if he loses consciousness again, give him a teaspoonful of that brandy.”
The Patient’s Wife – “While he’s unconscious? Oh, Doctor, he’d never forgive me!”
Bobby was traveling in a Pullman car for the first time. He awoke during the night.
Do you know where you are?” asked his mother.
“Sure I do,” answered the young traveler. “I’m in the top drawer.”
Couldn’t Stay Later
Father – “What do you mean by bringing my daughter home at this hour?”
Boy friend – “Man, I gotta be at work at eight o’clock.”
“Say, Bill, if you had five bucks in your pocket, what would you think?”
Bill: “I’d think I had somebody else’s pants on.”
Little Boy (calling father at office) – “Hello, who is this?”
Father (recognizing son’s voice)– “The smartest man in the world.”
Little Boy – “Pardon me, I got the wrong number.”
“We don’t care what you think; we want to know what you know!” shouted the lawyer.
“Well, I may as well get off the stand then,” said the witness. “I can’t talk without thinking. I ain’t no lawyer.”
“What’s all this noise about, you young rascal?”
“Well, Mary said if I kept on crying, a great big mouse with big green eyes would come and sit on the end of my bed, and I’ve kept on, but it hasn’t come yet!”
An Even Draw
The congregation of a little church gave a Christmas gift of $50 to their minister who had just been initiated into the glories of parenthood. Before the services began, one deacon whispered to another, “I’ll bet he thanks the Lord for the money before he does for the baby.”
The minister arose to pray.
“Our Father,” he said, “We thank Thee for this timely succor which Thou hast sent us.”
The deacons don’t know who won.