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Funny Bones, 1931 (2nd set)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - April 03, 2010

From the Juvenile Instructor of 1931  —

No Back Driving

“You say that you have driven a car for 10 years and never had a back seat driver?” inquired the weak-chinned gentleman.

“Yeah,” asserted the sad-faced man, “I drive a hearse.”

Marital Environment

“I have never married because there is no need of it. I have three pets at home which together answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls all the morning, a parrot which swears all the afternoon, and a cat which comes home late at night.”

Sure to Do It

Joe: “I am burning with love for you.”

Grace: “Oh, don’t make a fuel of yourself.”

A Bald One

“I am giving you a birthday present that you will never be able to part with.”

“What is it?”

“A comb.”

Electrically Speaking

“Here comes a friend of mine. He’s a human dynamo.”

“Really?”

“Yes, everything he has on is charged.”

Misplaced Confidence

“During the dance my suspenders broke.”

“Were you horribly embarrassed?”

“Not very. You see my roommate had them on.”

Mixed Pickles

Caller: “Is the manager in?”

Ikey: “No, he just went out to lunch with his wife.”

Caller: “Well, when he gets back with the stenographer, tell him his wife called.”

Can’t Be Done

“Ethel, can you show the class the shape of the world,” asked the teacher.

“No’m; it is in such bad shape I don’t believe I can.”

Where Credit Is Due

“I trust that I have made myself sufficiently plain,” she said.

“It’s only fair to give nature the credit for that.”

Sure He Will

Brown – “I tell you, old man, when I get married I’ll be the boss or I’ll know the reason why.”

Jones – “Oh, you’ll know the reason all right.”

A Dumb Pupil

Teacher – “Frank, what is a cannibal?”

Frank – “Don’t know, ma’am.”

Teacher – “Well, if you ate your father and mother, what would you be?”

Frank – “An orphan, ma’am.”

Hired

A Wall Street broker, desiring eleven clerks, asked the following question in an examination: “Who formed the first company?”

A bright youth, a bit puzzled, but not to be floored, wrote: “Noah successfully floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.”

A Round Robin

Madam Schumann-Heink, the famous singer, was given such an ovation on one of her early American tours that she decided to come down from the stage and walk through the aisle so as to greet her admirers. Working her way through the crowded orchestra pit, she became jammed between the piano, the bass drum, the big horn, etc.

She backed off and the leader whispered, “Try it sideways, Madam.”

“Mein Gott, man! I haf no sideways.”

Natural

Lady – “Will my false teeth look natural?”

Dentist – “Lady, I make ’em so natural they ache.”

Serious Business

She – “I suppose you get paid for the jokes you write.”

He – “Certainly! You don’t imagine I write them for fun, do you?”

She – “Oh, no; any one could tell that by reading them.”

A Little Mixed

Confused Shopper: “I want a pair of spec rimmed horincles – I mean, sporn rimmed hectacles – dash it! I mean, heck rimmed spernacles – .”

Floor Walker: ‘I know what you mean, sir. Mr. Brown, show the gentleman a pair of rim sperned hectacles.”

Washing the Kitty

A mother discovered her small daughter, Betty, aged three, busily engaged in washing the kitten with soap and water.

“Oh, darling, I don’t think the kitty’s mother would like the way you are washing her.”

“Well,” Betty seriously replied, “I really can’t lick it, mother.”

The Spendthrift

“Is Jinks careless with his money?”

“Is he! I’ve known him to buy bread when he didn’t have a drop of gasoline in the tank!”

A Place to Wait

Teacher: “Willie, give the definition of ‘home’.”

Willie: “Home is where part of the family waits until the others are through with the car.”

What is a Bank?

Boy: “What is a bank, Daddy?”

Father: “A bank, my boy, is a great institution which lends umbrellas when the sun is shining and wants them back directly it rains.”

And the Cat Came Back

In the corner of a very crowded streetcar sat a very thin lady, who seemed greatly discomfited by the pressure imposed upon her by an extremely fat lady, who sat next to her.

Turning to her weighty neighbor, the thin lady remarked, oh, so sweetly: “They really should charge by weight on these cars.”

To which the fat lady answered just as sweetly: “But if they did, deary, they couldn’t afford to stop for some persons.”

A Fair Exchange

She: “Where is your chivalry?”

He: “I turned it in for a Buick.”



1 Comment »

  1. Gotta love a good stenographer joke. Some of those were actually pretty funny.

    Comment by Syphax — April 3, 2010 @ 8:31 am

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