Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1933 (4)

Funny Bones, 1933 (4)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - March 27, 2010

I don’t write ’em; I just type ’em, from the pages of the church magazines —

Down with Prosperity

Kind Stranger: “And what do you want to be when you grow up, my little man?”

Little Man: “What Daddy is.”

Kind Stranger: “Splendid! And what is Daddy?”

Little Man: “Unemployed.”

Dear Old Grandma

Boss: “It’s tough on you, Billy, with baseball season under way and your grandfather dead. Let’s see, I believe he died four times last summer.”

Billy: “Yes, sir, I know, but grandma has married again.”


Now we know what “burning up the track” means in matters of speed.

A woman was talking with a friend about the athletic achievements of the latter’s son.

“Your boy must be an exceptionally fast runner; I see by this morning’s paper that he fairly burned up the track with his record-breaking speed. I suppose you saw him do it?”

“No, I didn’t see him do it,” replied the boy’s mother, “but I saw the track this morning and there was nothing but cinders there.”

Something Wrong

Detective: “We think we have located your runaway wife, but she won’t say a word one way or the other.”

The Deprived One: “That’s not my wife.”

Something Doing at the Trough

Blinks: “This would seem like a good time to go back to the farm.”

Jinks: “Yeh! There don’t seem to be any other class they are planning as much relief for.”

At Last She Is Unmasked

First Man (in art museum): “Hallo! Here’s the Mona Lisa.”

Second Man: “Aw, come on! That dame’s smile reminds me of my wife’s when she thinks I’m lying.”

In the P.O.

A man waiting patiently in a post office could not attract the attention of either of the girl clerks.

“The evening cloak,” explained one of the girls, “was a redingote design in gorgeous lame brocade, with fox fur and wide pagoda sleeves.”

At this point the longsuffering customer broke in with: “I wonder if you could provide me with a neat red stamp with dinky perforated brim, the tout ensemble delicately treated on the reverse with gum. Something about two cents.”

Tireless Executive

An old Scottish woman, who had never been known to say an ill word about anybody, was one day taken to ask by her husband.

“Janet,” he said impatiently, “I do believe ye’d say a guid word for the de’il himself.”

“Ah, weel,” was the reply, “he may na be sae guid as he might be, but he’s a very industrious body.”

Way Down East

“I mean, is it easy to obtain liquor and is there much of it around here?”

“Wall, mister,” said the native, “all I can tell you is that a little way back they turned off the water supply for a week and nobody knew it till the town hall caught fire.”

In a Conference

A little boy was saying his go-to-bed prayers in a very low voice.

“I can’t hear you, dear,” his mother whispered.

“Wasn’t talking to you,” said the small one firmly.

So This Is London

Slow Waiter (in London restaurant): “Your coffee, sir; it’s special from South America, sir.”

Diner (sarcastically): “Oh, so that’s where you’ve been?”

No, Indeed!

Usher (to old dignified lady): “Are you a friend of the groom?”

The Lady: “No, indeed! I am the bride’s mother.”

Hot Stuff

Big He-Man: “I developed these big muscles by working in a boiler factory.”

Innocent Young Thing: “Oh, you great big wonderful man! And what do you boil?”

Brave Admission

She: “Are you cool in time of danger?”

He: “Sure, but at the wrong end.”

Get a Muffler

First Camper: “You woke me out of a sound sleep.”

Fellow Camper: “I had to. The sound was too loud.”

Song Hit

Do you know Soup Song? It goes: “The coat and pants do all the work, but the vest gets all the gravy.”

Queer, Aren’t They?

Call a girl a chicken and she smiles; call her a hen and she howls. Call a young woman a witch and she is pleased; call an old woman a witch and she is indignant. Call a girl a kitten and she rather likes it: call a woman a cat and she hates you. Women are queer.

A Movie Favorite’s Wedding

Myrna: “Some wedding, wasn’t it?”

Jobyna: “It certainly w as. You see, Peggy had 12 ushers, and she had been engaged to every one of them at one time or another.

Myrna: “Odd, wasn’t it?’

Jobyna: “Yes, and she wouldn’t let the organist play Mendelssohn’s Wedding March – she had him play, ‘Hail, Hail, the Gang’s All Here.’”

True Sayings

“I was born a teetotaler,” says John D. Rockefeller, Jr. – Weren’t we all?

Lots of men say very little on the golf links, but where they spit, the grass never grows again!

Poor Billy

Teacher (answering phone): “You say Billy Smith has a bad cold and can’t come to school? who is this speaking?”

Voice (with assumed hoarseness): “This is my father.”

Here’s the Biography of a Joke

1. Sent to American Boy by a reader.
2. Published in American Boy
3. Appears in a newspaper.
4. Re-appears in an almanac.
5. Bobs up in a theatre program.
6. Gets a laugh in vaudeville.
7. After dinner speaker tells it.
8. Appears translated in foreign papers.
9. Translated back into English and makes round again.
10. Sent to American Boy by reader.
The American Boy.

Hubby’s Luck

Mrs. Heck – “I wonder, Mrs. Peck if I could borrow your rug-beater.”

Mrs. Peck – “I’m sorry, Mrs. Heck, but he doesn’t get home till five o’clock.”

The Retort Courteous

Wifey: “You never did anything clever in your life.

Hubby: “You seem to forget, my dear, that I married you.”



  1. Now that’s a different kind of Scottish joke than we’re used to in these hallowed pages!

    Comment by Researcher — March 27, 2010 @ 10:16 am

  2. I wondered if you would like that, Researcher!

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — March 27, 2010 @ 10:42 am

  3. I expect “Biography of a Joke” to show up in Boy’s Life soon.

    Comment by Floyd the Wonderdog — March 28, 2010 @ 5:18 am

  4. I’m a little surprised at the coffee and liquor jokes. =)

    Comment by FHL — March 30, 2010 @ 3:57 pm

  5. Shhh! Don’t let CES hear! {g}

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — March 30, 2010 @ 4:00 pm

  6. Love it,

    Ardis, on an unrelated note, I was wondering if you ever commented on David Roberts book “Devils Gate” as far as your envolvement was concerned?

    I noticed he mentions your help in regards to research and achive help.

    Comment by Of-The-Sea — March 30, 2010 @ 6:14 pm

  7. David is a gentleman and a sharp thinker, and I very much enjoyed working with him. He never hesitated to ask anything, and even though we obviously didn’t see eye to eye on Mormon history — or religion at all, for that matter — he always read or listened to and considered everything I brought up. His conclusions are not ones that I can endorse in many cases, but I am sure that (with the possible exception of Chapter 2 with its overview of Mormon history) he reached his conclusions after serious thought.

    The only real disappointment I had in connection with David was a planned field trip in the Manti area to track down some petroglyphs mentioned in a couple of 1855 diaries that we discussed. My transportation down there fell through. I really would have enjoyed a day trip exploring with a man who has done as much hiking as he has done in the Southwest and who knows as much about Indian relics as he does. Well, that disappointment and the fact that he had to cancel his book promotion tour to Utah after a serious accident — I would have enjoyed hearing him talk about the book.

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — March 30, 2010 @ 6:38 pm

  8. Thanks for sharing that.

    I enjoyed the book but it left me a little empty in respect to final conclusions. It appeared to lose track of its purpose and David’s encounters at Martins Cove seemed a bit smug.
    I will say that it was a fun read and I learned a few things along the way. I’ll also have to revise my handcart story about the boys who carried the Martin Handcart Co. across the Sweetwater (I appears they died natural deaths years later!!!)

    Comment by Of-The-Sea — March 30, 2010 @ 7:10 pm

  9. Be sure to check out Chad M. Orton’s BYU Studies article on the rescue — he’s the authority on those boys and the stories told about them.

    I’ll bet you felt cold and hungry while you were reading Devil’s Gate. I sure did! That’s really what attracted David Roberts to the story, I’m sure; he’s done so much other writing on survival under extreme conditions.

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — March 30, 2010 @ 7:29 pm

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