I don’t write ‘em; I just type ‘em, from the pages of the church magazines –
Down with Prosperity
Kind Stranger: “And what do you want to be when you grow up, my little man?”
Little Man: “What Daddy is.”
Kind Stranger: “Splendid! And what is Daddy?”
Little Man: “Unemployed.”
Dear Old Grandma
Boss: “It’s tough on you, Billy, with baseball season under way and your grandfather dead. Let’s see, I believe he died four times last summer.”
Billy: “Yes, sir, I know, but grandma has married again.”
Now we know what “burning up the track” means in matters of speed.
A woman was talking with a friend about the athletic achievements of the latter’s son.
“Your boy must be an exceptionally fast runner; I see by this morning’s paper that he fairly burned up the track with his record-breaking speed. I suppose you saw him do it?”
“No, I didn’t see him do it,” replied the boy’s mother, “but I saw the track this morning and there was nothing but cinders there.”
Detective: “We think we have located your runaway wife, but she won’t say a word one way or the other.”
The Deprived One: “That’s not my wife.”
Something Doing at the Trough
Blinks: “This would seem like a good time to go back to the farm.”
Jinks: “Yeh! There don’t seem to be any other class they are planning as much relief for.”
At Last She Is Unmasked
First Man (in art museum): “Hallo! Here’s the Mona Lisa.”
Second Man: “Aw, come on! That dame’s smile reminds me of my wife’s when she thinks I’m lying.”
In the P.O.
A man waiting patiently in a post office could not attract the attention of either of the girl clerks.
“The evening cloak,” explained one of the girls, “was a redingote design in gorgeous lame brocade, with fox fur and wide pagoda sleeves.”
At this point the longsuffering customer broke in with: “I wonder if you could provide me with a neat red stamp with dinky perforated brim, the tout ensemble delicately treated on the reverse with gum. Something about two cents.”
An old Scottish woman, who had never been known to say an ill word about anybody, was one day taken to ask by her husband.
“Janet,” he said impatiently, “I do believe ye’d say a guid word for the de’il himself.”
“Ah, weel,” was the reply, “he may na be sae guid as he might be, but he’s a very industrious body.”
Way Down East
“I mean, is it easy to obtain liquor and is there much of it around here?”
“Wall, mister,” said the native, “all I can tell you is that a little way back they turned off the water supply for a week and nobody knew it till the town hall caught fire.”
In a Conference
A little boy was saying his go-to-bed prayers in a very low voice.
“I can’t hear you, dear,” his mother whispered.
“Wasn’t talking to you,” said the small one firmly.
So This Is London
Slow Waiter (in London restaurant): “Your coffee, sir; it’s special from South America, sir.”
Diner (sarcastically): “Oh, so that’s where you’ve been?”
Usher (to old dignified lady): “Are you a friend of the groom?”
The Lady: “No, indeed! I am the bride’s mother.”
Big He-Man: “I developed these big muscles by working in a boiler factory.”
Innocent Young Thing: “Oh, you great big wonderful man! And what do you boil?”
She: “Are you cool in time of danger?”
He: “Sure, but at the wrong end.”
Get a Muffler
First Camper: “You woke me out of a sound sleep.”
Fellow Camper: “I had to. The sound was too loud.”
Do you know Soup Song? It goes: “The coat and pants do all the work, but the vest gets all the gravy.”
Queer, Aren’t They?
Call a girl a chicken and she smiles; call her a hen and she howls. Call a young woman a witch and she is pleased; call an old woman a witch and she is indignant. Call a girl a kitten and she rather likes it: call a woman a cat and she hates you. Women are queer.
A Movie Favorite’s Wedding
Myrna: “Some wedding, wasn’t it?”
Jobyna: “It certainly w as. You see, Peggy had 12 ushers, and she had been engaged to every one of them at one time or another.
Myrna: “Odd, wasn’t it?’
Jobyna: “Yes, and she wouldn’t let the organist play Mendelssohn’s Wedding March – she had him play, ‘Hail, Hail, the Gang’s All Here.’”
“I was born a teetotaler,” says John D. Rockefeller, Jr. – Weren’t we all?
Lots of men say very little on the golf links, but where they spit, the grass never grows again!
Teacher (answering phone): “You say Billy Smith has a bad cold and can’t come to school? who is this speaking?”
Voice (with assumed hoarseness): “This is my father.”
Here’s the Biography of a Joke
1. Sent to American Boy by a reader.
2. Published in American Boy
3. Appears in a newspaper.
4. Re-appears in an almanac.
5. Bobs up in a theatre program.
6. Gets a laugh in vaudeville.
7. After dinner speaker tells it.
8. Appears translated in foreign papers.
9. Translated back into English and makes round again.
10. Sent to American Boy by reader.
– The American Boy.
Mrs. Heck – “I wonder, Mrs. Peck if I could borrow your rug-beater.”
Mrs. Peck – “I’m sorry, Mrs. Heck, but he doesn’t get home till five o’clock.”
The Retort Courteous
Wifey: “You never did anything clever in your life.
Hubby: “You seem to forget, my dear, that I married you.”