More “historic” humor from the 1940 Juvenile Instructor —
Into a swanky church walked a shabby Negro. After some difficulty he found the pastor.
“Sir, I’d like to join this church,” he said.
The pastor was taken aback for a moment. “My good man,” he said at last, “where do you live?”
“I live in Harlem.”
‘Then don’t you think it would be wise for you to join a church in your own neighborhood?”
“Yes, sir, but I desire to join this church.”
The pastor thought a bit. “My good man,” he said, “suppose you go home and pray over this important step.”
This the Negro did, returning the next day.
“Pastor,” he said, “I went home and prayed to the Lord like you told me, and asked Him how I could get into this church, and the Lord appeared to me and He said, “Rastus, why do you ask Me how to get into that church? Why, man, for ten years, I’ve been trying to get into that church Myself!”
Scotch Joke No. 9666
Best Man (seeking bridegroom after the ceremony) – “Where’s Angus?”
Guest – “He’s at the back of the car trying on the old shoes.”
A Nice Conundrum
Izzy – “What’s the difference between a sewing machine and a kiss?”
Lizzie – “I know they’re different, but you tell me.”
Izzy – “One sews seams nice and the other seems so nice.”
Woman (in music store) – “I would like to get a copy of ‘The Stolen Rope.’”
Clerk – “I’m sorry, but I don’t know of such a song. Is it something very new?”
Woman – “Oh, no; they tell me it’s very old. It goes something like this: ‘tum-tum-tump-ety-tum–’”
Clerk – “My dear madam, you mean ‘The Lost Chord.’”
Woman – “Oh, that’s it. I just got the title mixed a bit.”
“That’ll be two dollars, madame,” said the masseuse.
“Two dollars! Why, you only massaged my chin!”
“That’s right. Fifty cents a chin.”
He Proved his Skill as a Sprinter
“Are you a good runner?” asked the farmer of a student applying for a job on his ranch.
The student said he was.
“Well,” said the farmer, you can round up the sheep.”
After several hours the student returned perspiring and out of breath.
“I got the sheep all right,” he reported, “but I had a fierce time getting the lambs.”
“The lambs?” said the farmer, “I haven’t any lambs.”
“Oh, yes, you have,” replied the student; “they’re in the corral.”
Thereupon the farmer went to investigate. In the corral with the exhausted sheep he found half a dozen panting jackrabbits.
On the Menu
Arriving Missionary: “May I ask what course you intend to take with me?”
Cannibal King: “The regular one. You’ll follow the fish.”
In the social column of a country weekly appeared this newsy tidbit: “Following the musical program, Mrs. J.Z. Burns delivered an address entitled ‘Personal devils.’ Seventeen were present.”
Gladys – “And did you let him kiss you?”
Harriet – “Let him? I had to help him!”
Farmer Hawkes – “Ephraim, does your mule ever kick you?”
Ephraim – “Well, boss, he ain’t ever kicked me, but he kicks quite frequent in the place where I’ve just been.”
It was during the impanelling of a jury that the following colloquy occurred:
“You are a property holder?”
“Yes, your honor.”
“Married or single?”
“I have been married five years, your honor.”
“Have you formed or expressed an opinion?”
“Not for five years, your honor.”
“How did you lose your job at the dress shop, my dear?”
“Just because of something I said. After I had tried twenty dresses on a woman, she said, ‘I think I’d look nicer in something flowing,’ and so I asked her why she didn’t go jump in the river.”
“What are you thrashing your little son for?”
“He gets his school report tomorrow, but I must go away tonight.”
One Redeeming Virtue
Ole: “Have you ever been in love before, Hilda?”
Hilda: “No, Ole, often I admire men for their strength, courage, good looks, or intelligence, but with you, Ole, it’s all love, nothing else.”
Minister: “Why did your husband rise and walk out during the sermon yesterday, Mrs. Thompson?”
Mrs. Thompson: “Dinna mind John, minister, he’s awful given to walkin’ in his sleep.”
What Did He Mean?
Mrs. Naggs: “Have you shut up everything for the night, Elmer?”
Elmer Naggs: “Yes, dear, I’ve shut up everything that can be shut up.”