Yuk-yuks from the church magazines of 1948 —
Teacher: “Johnny, who was Anne Boleyn?”
Johnny: “Anne Boleyn was a flat iron.”
Teacher: “What on earth do you mean?”
Johnny: “Well, it says here in the history book, ‘Henry, having disposed of Catherine, pressed his suit with Anne Boleyn.’”
A very youthful, might-be pianist was complaining about having to go through the same exercise so often.
“Don’t forget,” reminded her teacher, “practice makes perfect.”
“Not me,” replied the Y.M.B.P. “It just makes me tired.”
Husband: “Dear, will you please turn off the radio?”
Wife: “It isn’t on. Now, as I was saying, …”
“The great men are all dead,” she said with evident regret.
“But the beautiful women are not,” he replied, looking earnestly at her.
“Of course,” she added, after a moment’s reflection, “I always except present company.”
“So do I,” he said.
Let’s Be Done
“If I cut a beefsteak in two,” asked the teacher, “then cut the halves in two, what do I get?”
“Quarters,” answered the boy.
“Good. And then again?”
“Exactly. And then?”
“And once more?”
“Hamburger!” cried the little boy impatiently.
Long, Long Ago
A teacher asked the class to name the states of the United States. One child responded so promptly and accurately that the teacher exclaimed: “You did very well – much better than I could have done at your age.”
“You should have,” said the child consolingly. “There were only thirteen then.”
And They Are
Teacher: “Johnny, will you please give three collective nouns.”
Johnny: “Flypaper, wastebasket, vacuum cleaner.”
Caller: “Madame, I am the piano tuner.”
Pianist: “But I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”
Caller: “I know, but the neighbors did.”
The customer was buying a fountain pen for his son’s graduation present.
“It’s to be a surprise, I suppose,” observed the clerk.
“I’ll say it is,” said the father. “He’s expecting a convertible.”
Teacher: “Mr. Short, why do you keep looking at your watch?”
Student: “Well – a – that is – I simply can’t believe it!”
Teacher: “Why not?”
Student: “Because it says you have been talking over an hour; but it seems like only ten minutes to me, sir!”
A shop owner in Marseilles had a sign hanging in his show window which read: “All languages spoken here.”
One day a customer entered and started to speak English to the shop owner. The owner indicated that he didn’t understand. The customer then tried German, and then Russian. The owner continued to shake his head.
Finally the customer protested in French, “But you have a sign in our window saying ‘All languages spoken here.’”
The owner shrugged, “I don’t. My customers do!”
From the home-town paper:
“Tom Davis is recovering from a blood transfusion and the especial interest of friends and relatives. His son, Junior, has been fined $25 for reckless driving.”
A little girl knocked at the front door of the grocery store. Her chum, daughter of the grocer, called from the second story window:
“Sarah, we’ve all been to camp meeting and got converted. If you want milk on Sunday you’ll have to come around to the back door.”
In a small southern Utah town, a tourist called to an old native: “Hey, uncle! How far is it to Beaver?”
“I dunno, mister; hit used to be ’bout 25 miles, but the way things has gone up around here it may be near 40 by now.”
Building contractors have their troubles nowadays, not the least of which is the poor quality of lumber still being offered them.
A resentful contractor recently dispatched this telegram to the mill that had just sent him a carload of lumber.
“Knot holes received, please send the knots.”
Little Janice was spending her first day in school. The teacher asked her if she could count.
“Yes, ma’am,” replied Janice, and counted up to eight.
“That was fine!” said the teacher. “Now, what comes after eight?”
Janice thought hard, then answered, “Bedtime.”
Sign in clothing store window: “Order is heaven’s first law. Remember that and give us one!”
Bridget was applying for the position of maid.
“Have you any references?” asked her prospective employer.
“Yes, ma’am,” Bridget replied. “I’ve lots of references.’
“Then why didn’t you bring them with you?” she was asked.
“Well, to tell you the truth,” explained Bridget, “they’re just like my photographs – they don’t do me justice!”
Nothing is opened more by mistake than the mouth.
Mother: “Why did you send that poor fellow back for your cold cream? He’ll never find it.”
Daughter: “I only wanted to get the chap off my hands.”
“If things keep going the way they are, the government is going to control everything.”
“Well, it will be a good thing when they get around to that boy across the street.”
Men are like steel – of little use when they lose their temper.
A painter we know combines a knowledge of his craft with a good insight into human nature. He posted a sign which reads: “Wettest paint you ever saw; test on edge, please.”