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Funny Bones, 1885 — 1889 — 1890

By: Ardis E. Parshall - February 13, 2010

Not many jokes in LDS publications this early. Here are a few –

1885

A teacher wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts its shell when it has outgrown it, said “What do you do when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don’t you?”

“Oh, no!” replied the little one; “we let out the tucks.”

A Forgetful Man.

The following illustration of the forgetfulness of some men is amusing:

“I say, cap’n,” said a little-eyed man, as he landed from the steamer at Natchez. “I say, cap’n, this ’ere ain’t all.”

“That’s all the luggage you brought on board, sir,” replied the captain.

“Well, see now, it’s according to list, four boxes, two chests, two band-boxes, a portmanteau, two hams, three ropes and a teakettle; but I’m dubersome. I feel there’s something short, though I’ve counted ’em nine times, and never took my eyes off ’em while on board. there’s something not right somehow.”

“Well, stranger, the time’s up; there’s all I know of, so bring up your wife and five children out of the cabin, and we’re off.”

“Them’s um, them’s um! I knowed I forgot something.”

Retaliation

A lady once, when she was a little girl, learned a good lesson, which she tells for the benefit of whom it may concern.

One frosty morning I was looking out of the window into my father’s farm-yard, where stood many cows, oxen and horses waiting to drink. It was a cold morning. The cattle all stood very still and meek, till one of the cows attempted to turn around. In making the attempt, she happened to hit her next neighbor; whereupon the neighbor kicked, and hit another. In five minutes the whole herd were kicking each other with fury. My mother laughed and said –

“See what comes of kicking when you are hit. Just so I have seen one cross word set a whole family by the ears some frosty morning.

Afterward, if my brothers or myself were a little irritable, she would say, “Take care, my children. Remember how the fight in the farm-yard began. Never give back a kick for a hit, and you will save yourselves and others a great deal of trouble.”

—oooOooo—

Religion is the best armor that a man can have, but it is the worst cloak.

—oooOooo—

A Sunday School child being asked why God made the flowers of the field, replied, “Please, ma’am, I suppose for patterns for artificial flowers.”

—oooOooo—

“I don’t like that cat. It’s got splinters in its feet,” was the excuse of a four-year-old boy for throwing the kitten away.

—oooOooo—

“I wish you shouldn’t give me such short weight for my money,” said a customer to a grocer who had a longstanding account against him. “And I wish you would not give me such long wait for mine,” was the quiet rejoinder.

Paddy’s Description of a Fiddle

“It was the shape of a turkey, and the size of a goose; he turned it over on its back and rubbed it with a stick, and och! St. Patrick! how it did squale!”

—oooOooo—

“Sound,” said the schoolmaster, “is what you hear. For instance, you cannot feel a sound.”

“Oh, yes, you can!” said a smart boy.

“John Wilkins,” retorted the pedagogue, “how do you make that out? What sound can you feel?”

“A sound thrashing,” quickly replied the smart boy.

—oooOooo—

A fat
Buck rat
Lived in
A bin.
Tom cat
Saw that
Big, fat
Buck rat.
“Ah me!”
Said he,
“I’ll store
His gore
Within
My skin!”
But that
Tom cat
Could not
Him spot.
Tom whined
And pined
For that
Buck rat,
And grew
Thin, too.
One day
That way
A man
Once ran –
Did slap
A trap
Right in
That bin,
For that
Buck rat
Stole corn
Each morn.
When that
Tom cat
Crawled in
That bin
For that
Buck rat,
The trap
Did snap
On that
’Ere cat!
He died
Inside
The trap.
Sad hap!
But that
Buck rat
Stole corn
Next morn.

—oooOooo—

Avoid circumlocution in language. Words, like cannon balls, should go straight to their mark.

Speaking without thinking is shooting without taking aim.

Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.

Do not think of knocking out another man’s brains because he differs in opinion from you. It would be as rational to knock yourself on the head because you differ from yourself ten years ago.

—oooOooo—

In struggling to make a dull-brained boy understand what conscience is, a teacher finally asked, “What makes you feel uncomfortable after you have done wrong?”

“Father’s leather strap,” feelingly replied the boy.

1889

Saint Peter – “Hold on there.”

New spirit – “Can’t I go in?”

“Who are you?”

“My name is Jay Gould.”

“You take that earth right back this minute and leave it in its orbit.”

—oooOooo—

Lady of the House – “You say you want a pie I promised you now? Why, you agreed to mow the grass first.”

“Yes’m; but ye see, the whetstone is of very little use, so I should like the pie to sharpen the scythe on, if ye please.”

—oooOooo—

He – “What would you do if I were to offer to give you a kiss?”

She – “See if my little brother is under the sofa.”

—oooOooo—

The broken pilot wheel stopped a railway train in Connecticut last week, but the Yankee-born conductor replaced the wheel with a railway restaurant mince pie, and succeeded in running his train into New York on time.

1890

Editor to Printer – You’ve ruined me. In describing the great ball, I wrote that the famous lecturer on dress wore nothing that was remarkable. You’ve printed it: “Mrs. B. wore nothing. That was remarkable.” Get your money from the cashier and go. We’ve no use for a man like you around here.

–oooOooo–

A loud-voiced donkey occupied a lot adjoining Lil’s. Lil’s half-grown brother Harry was just young enough to be the butt of much of her girlish wit. He was likewise just old enough to thoroughly resent such treatment.

Late one evening while they were alone in the house, Harry slipped to the back door and opened it; just as the donkey set up his stentorian call.

“Oh, Harry,” called out Lil, “there’s your friend calling you.”

“No it isn’t,” angrily retorted the lad, “it’s your brother.”



1 Comment »

  1. Do not think of knocking out another man’s brains because he differs in opinion from you. It would be as rational to knock yourself on the head because you differ from yourself ten years ago.

    Ha! I loved that one.

    Comment by Hunter — February 13, 2010 @ 12:51 pm

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