From the Juvenile Instructor of 1931 (minus some truly appalling ethnic jokes; the tamer ethnic jokes remain) …
Mister: “Here’s a noted doctor who says that ill health always attacks one’s weakest spot.”
Missus (sweetly): “You do have a lot of headaches, don’t you dear?”
Teacher (to boy sitting idly in school during writing time): “Henry, why are you not writing?”
Henry – “I ain’t got no pen.”
Teacher – “Where’s your grammar?”
Henry – “She’s dead.”
A Good Starting Point
Mrs. Jenkinson had been to a political meeting, and when she returned home she regaled her husband with her party views.
“We are going to sweep the country, John,” she exclaimed.
“Then,” remarked her husband, “you had better start with the kitchen, dear!”
Hide and Seek
Two of the university’s crack golfers sliced their drives into the rough and went in search of the balls. They searched for a long time without success, a kindly old lady watching them with sympathetic interest.
Finally, after the search had lasted half an hour, the dear old lady spoke to them.
“I don’t want to bother you gentlemen,” she said, “but would it be cheating if I told you where they are?”
A little girl said to her mother: “Mama, if I grow up and get married, will I have a husband like father?”
“I don’t know, dear. Very probably you will.”
“And if I grow up and don’t get married, will I be an old maid like Aunt Mary?”
“Perhaps,” answered the mother.
The little girl thought it over for a moment. “Mother,” she said, “it’s a tough world for us women, ain’t it?”
We Thought So
A small boy in the visitors’ gallery was watching the proceedings of the Senate chamber.
“Father, does the chaplain always pray for the Senators?” he asked.
The father thought a moment and then said: “No, my son; when he goes in he looks around and sees the Senators sitting there, and then he prays for the country.”
Hospital Patient (swathed in bandages, to fellow-sufferer in next cot) – “Do you suppose your wife will come to visit you?”
Fellow-sufferer – “She’s in a hospital herself.”
“What – the two of you at the same time?”
“Yes, but she started it.”
A Terrible Ending
There had been a train wreck and one of two traveling teachers felt himself slipping from this life.
“Good-bye, Tom,” he groaned to his friend. “I’m done for.”
“Don’t say that, old man!” sputtered the English professor. “For Heaven’s sake, don’t end your last sentence with a preposition!”
Householder (hearing noise downstairs): “Who’s down there?”
Burglar (with great presence of mind): “this is station KDKA now signing off until tomorrow morning at eleven o’clock. Goodnight, everybody.”
“How did there come to be so many words in the world?” asked little Lola, who was turning the leaves of a dictionary.
“Oh,” replied her thirteen-year-old brother, “they came through folks quarreling. One word brought another.”
“Do you have any trouble with shall and will?”
“No, the wife says you shall and I say I will.”
“I can’t marry him, mother. He’s an atheist, and doesn’t believe there’s a hell.”
“Marry him, my dear, and between us we’ll convince him that he’s wrong.”
The Longest Way ’round –
A tourist stopped his car on the road and asked a little country boy how far it was to Bunkville. The little boy replied, “It’s 24,996 miles the way you’re goin’, but if you turn ’round, it ain’t but four.”
Beauty and the Beast
A sultan at odds with his harem
Thought of a way he could scare ’em;
He caught him a mouse
Which he freed in the house
Thus starting the first harum-scarum.
It’s a Riot
A woman with ten small children climbed aboard the street car.
“Excuse me, madam,” the operator ventured, “but are these yours, or is it a picnic?”
The woman glared at him.
“Mister,” she snapped, “these are all mine – and it’s no picnic.”
Two Irishmen were returning home late at night in their flivver after a gay evening in town, when the car nearly swerved into the ditch.
“Hey,” yelled Mike, “be after usin’ more care there or ye’ll be killin’ us both.”
“Who, me?” came back Dinty. “Why, I thought YOU was drivin’!”
And All Wrong
He: “My mother says I’m a wit.”
She: “Well, she’s half right.”
To Sum Up
Professor: “The snake to which I refer is said to strike with mathematical precision.”
Bright Boy: “You mean an adder, sir.”
A Pointed Tale
When you buy a shirt it gives employment to fifty people; and forty-seven of them do nothing but put pins in the shirt tail.
Judge: “Do you wish to challenge any of the jurymen?”
Spike: “Well, your honor, I’ll fight that red-headed bird on the end.”
His Long Suit
Father: “Doesn’t that young man know how to say good-night?”
Daughter: “I’ll say he does!”
“If there were four flies on a table, and I killed one, how many would be left?” inquired the teacher.
“One,” answered the bright little girl. “The dead one.”