Dumb, dumber, and dumbest, from the church magazines of 1933 —
Kith and Kin
Father: “What did you and Joe talk about last night, dear?”
Daughter: “Oh, we talked about our kith and kin.”
Small Brother: “Yeth, pop, I heard ’em. He seth, ‘Kin I have a Kith?’and she seth, “yeth, you kin.’”
Team-Play’s the Thing
Learn to work with others. Remember the banana – every time it leaves the bunch it gets skinned.
Couldn’t Miss One
“Ye’re pinched for violatin’ the auto laws,” said the new traffic officer.
“Which one?” inquired the traveler.
“Darned if I know, but ye certainly hain’t come all the way down Main Street without bustin’ one of them.”
Soup and Fish
He had never been outside the United States, and neither had she, but both were recounting their experiences abroad.
“And Asia. Ah, wonderful Asia! never shall I forget Turkey, India, Japan – all of them. And most of all China, the celestial kingdom. How I loved it!”
She held her ground.
“And the pagodas; did you see them?”
“Did I see them?” She powdered her nose. “My dear, I had dinner with them!”
Make a Bid
“I came in here to get something for my wife.”
“What are you asking for her?”
A bumblebee can pull 300 times its own weight, we are told. What impresses us most, however, is the malicious vigor of its push.
A Neglected Art
“Does your daughter play the piano by ear?”
“No, she uses both hands and both feet, but I don’t think she has learned to use her ears.”
A Doubtful Joke
Jakie – “Ikey, you should put the curtains down when you kiss your wife. I saw you last night.”
Ikey – “The joke’s on you, Jakie. I wasn’t home last night.”
He Wouldn’t Interfere
“I suppose you will want me to give up my job, Henry, when we are married.”
“How much do you earn at it?”
“Sixty a week.”
“That isn’t a job. That’s a career. I wouldn’t want to interfere with your career, girlie.”
“That was an excellent paper your daughter read last night on the Influence of Science as Applied to Practical Government.”
“Was it? Well, I wish she’d find out something about the Influence of the Vacuum Cleaner as Applied to the Dining Room Carpet.”
Cold Days at Los Angeles
He: “Sister Nell gave a party last night.”
She: “Did you go?”
He: “Yes, everybody had to dress in the color of their hair. I wore a red suit, dad wore a gray suit, but Grandpa almost froze.”
“My wooden leg pained me terribly last night.”
“My wife hit me over the head with it.”
A Boon, Indeed!
“Your medicine has helped me wonderfully,” wrote the grateful woman. “A month ago I was so weak I could not spank the baby. Two bottles of your cure and I am now able to thrash the old man. Heaven bless you.”
Has to Puzzle it Out
Policeman (to motorist who nearly collided) – “Don’t you know that you should always give half of the road to a woman driver?”
Motorist – “I always do when I find out which half of the road she wants.”
The Deadly Female
He: “I passed by your house yesterday.”
Manager: “What’s the idea of sitting out there absolutely silent for five minutes?”
Saxophonist: “That was a request number.”
Proof of the Pudding
Nervous Old Lady: “If I give you a piece of pudding you’ll never return, will you?”
Persistent Tramp: “Well, Ma’am, you know your pudding better than I do.”
Preferred the Asylum
A farmer was passing an asylum with a load of fertilizer. An inmate called through the fence, “What are you hauling?”
“Fertilizer,” replied the farmer.
“What are you going to do with it?”
“Put it on my strawberries,” replied the farmer.
The inmate countered quickly: “You ought to live here. We get cream on ours.”
Too Much Overhead
Mike: “Did you hear about the undertaker dying last week?”
Ike: “Uh-huh, he didn’t make much on that job, did he?”
Mike: “Not much. In fact, he went in the hole.”
A traveling salesman received the following telegram: “Baby girl born at midnight, weight 7 pounds, mother and baby doing nicely, Signed Dr. Jones.” Attached to the top of the wire was a sticker which said: “If You Want a Boy, Call Western Union.”
The farmer came in after a hard day’s work and heard a strange, shrill sound.
“What’s that?” he asked his wife.
“That’s Jane practicing,” she said, “she’s cultivating her voice.”
“Cultivating nothing,” ejaculated the farmer. “That’s not cultivating. It’s harrowing.”