From the church magazines of 1950 (I know that you know that, but I always worry about someone who stumbles on these for the first time and wonders what in the heck they have to do with Mormon history) —
One of those sweet helpless things had just bought a postage stamp. “And must I stick it on myself?” she asked.
“Oh, no, ma’am,” said the obliging postal clerk, “it will do more good if you stick it on the envelope.”
“I’ve told thousands of women where to get off.”
“A lady killer, eh?”
“No, I work an elevator in a big department store.”
Millionaire (to valet): “Johnson, the doctor has ordered me to do more exercise. In the future I shall wind my watch myself.”
True to Form
“I’ll say he’s a crook. He’s such a twister that the wool he pulls over your eyes is 50 per cent cotton.”
A bashful young man bought a young lady a bunch of roses. She was so greatly delighted that she kissed him. He rose at once and picked up his hat.
“Oh, Algy,” she exclaimed, “are you going away?”
“Yes, I’m off to get more roses,” said the bashful young man.
They Get Away
She: “They say the cleverest men make the worst husbands.”
He: “Nonsense, the cleverest men don’t become husbands.”
Who Wouldn’t Like To
Doctor: “Do you enjoy good health?”
Patient: “Certainly! Who doesn’t?”
It Doesn’t Frighten Him
A lecturing phrenologist advised his audience that by feeling the bumps on your head he could tell what sort of chap you were.
Tom, an extrovert, sat on the front seat and volunteered to be a subject.
The “doctor” felt all over Tom’s head, and said to the audience, “Here’s a young man who is not afraid of hard work.”
The young chap gave a proud smile. Then the phrenologist continued, “He will lie right down beside it and go to sleep!”
Means to an End
A guy went to a drugstore and asked for some stuff that would make his eyes sore and red. The amazed clerk asked why, and the customer replied, “You think I want my friends to know I don’t have a television set?”
The government official in charge of agriculture had instructed the old farmer to collect his stock of every description and have them branded.
“I suppose that’s all right,” replied the farmer, “but honest, Mister, I’m going to have a dickens of a time with them bees.”
The question in the physiology examination read: “How may one obtain good posture?”
The country boy puzzled a moment, then wrote: “Keep the cows off it and let it grow awhile.”
When His Ship Comes In
Who discovers a uranium mine can rest comfortably on his ores.
This Atomic Age
The neighbors’ children were playing treasure hunt in my backyard.
“Goodness, what are you digging for – gold?” I asked.
“No, ma’am,” one of the boys shrugged with contempt. “That is old-fashioned. We’re digging for uranium.”
Memo to the Younger Generation
Blessings on thee, little man,
Barefoot boy, with cheek of tan;
Trudging down a dusty lane
With no thought of future pain;
You’re our one and only bet
To absorb the national debt.
Little man with cares so few,
We’ve got lots of faith in you;
Guard each merry whistled tune –
You are apt to need it soon.
Have your fun while you can;
You may be a barefoot man.
Sign of the Times
On the rear of the gaily bedecked honeymoon car: “Till Draft Us Do Part.”
There’s nothing like a wedding,
To make a fellow learn.
At first he thinks she’s his’n,
But later learns he’s her’n.
Time and Tide
A hundred years ago today a wilderness was here;
A man with powder in his gun went forth to hunt a deer.
But now the times have changed somewhat along a different plan:
A dear with powder on her nose goes forth to hunt a man.
In the Good Old Daze
A new 5-and-10-cent store had been opened. A woman went in one day and selected a toy for which she handed the proprietor a dime.
“Excuse, lady,” said Cohen, “but these toys are 15 cents.”
“But I thought this was a 5-and-10-cent store,” protested the customer.
“Well, I leave it to you,” came the reply. “How much is 5 and 10 cents?”
Teacher: “Robert, have you whispered today without permission?”
Robert: “Only wunst.”
Teacher: “Frank, should Robert have said ‘wunst?’”
Frank: “No, ma’am, he should’ve said ‘twicet.’”
Labor Versus Capital
Clerk: “I’ve come to see if you could raise my pay.”
Boss: “Go back to work and don’t worry. Haven’t I managed to raise it each pay day so far?”
Not all men are homeless, but some are home less than others.