There shouldn’t have been a Depression, with jokes like these in the church magazines —
Order in the Court
Judge (in dentist chair): “Do you swear that you will pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”
He Had His Free Agency
The city girl was spending her holiday on the farm, and the young man of the family was finding her good company. One evening they were leaning over the pasture gate when they saw a cow and a calf rubbing noses in the accepted bovine fashion.
“See there,” said the young man, “that sight makes me want to do the same.”
“I don’t see why you shouldn’t,” the city Miss observed. “After all, it’s your cow.”
Good for Burns
Mr. Newlywed: “The meat tastes rather funny, Honey.”
Mrs. Newlywed: “Oh dear, I was afraid that wouldn’t fix it – it burned a little, so I put on some Unguentine.”
That reminds me of the Scotchman who buried his face in his hands to save funeral expenses.
A stenographer was asked: “Can you tell me what is pica type?”
“A fellow who would date a girl for a 10-cent show,” she grinned.
The Record Breaker
Hopeful: “Time me around the track, Coach.”
Coach: “Sure. Wait till I get my calendar.”
“Do you summer in the country?”
“No, I simmer in the city.”
A dry motorist on a wet road is safer than a wet motorist on a dry road.
Defying the Earthquake
“See if you can laugh that off,” said the fat man’s wife as she wired a button on his vest.
Be Sure to Synchronize
Never shift your mouth into high gear until you are sure your brain is turning over.
It Helps a Bit
It’s a great comfort to go back to the home town and find out your old chums haven’t done so well, either.
The Race is Deteriorating
A scientist says that, from a physical standpoint, we are inferior to pre-historic men. At the conclusion of a domestic argument, the modern husband goes to his club instead of reaching for it.
Her father: “You are going to marry that insignificant little fellow! Why, you used to say you would never marry a man less than six feet high.”
Daughter: “Oh, I know, Dad. But I decided to take off twenty per cent for cash.”
There had been a family row and the wife was haled into court on the charge of assault.
Magistrate: “Why did you bite your husband’s mother?”
Culprit: “’Twas ’is fault, your worship. ’E was always throwin’ ’er in my teeth.”
A Language Lesson
Teacher: “Give me a sentence using the word ‘vicious’.”
Student: “Best vicious for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.”
Teacher: “Don’t you know the King’s English?”
Student: “Sure I do. And so is the Queen.”
Out of Tune
Grandpa was having his afternoon sleep in the armchair and emitting sounds that might easily have come from a cross-cut saw. As father entered the room he saw little Jackie twisting one of grandpa’s waistcoat buttons.
“What are you doing?” he whispered, “you mustn’t disturb grandpa.”
“I’m not, daddy,” said Jackie, “I was just trying to tune him in on something different.”
First Diner (eating with gusto): “Brave old bird, the turkey!”
Second Diner (wrestling with leg): “Yep, and this one died with his boots on.”
A False Alarm
“Your wife has been delirious all day,” said the nurse, in a worried tone, “calling for you and crying for money.”
“Hah!” snorted her husband, “delirious, poppycock!”
Runs by Crank
“If you don’t shut off that loud speaker,” shouted an irate tenant across the street, “I’ll come over and stop it for you!”
“Here’s wishin’ you luck, neighbor,” came the calm reply. “She’s been goin’ that way ever since I married her.”
When the Petals Fall
Passerby: “My goodness, young man, what has happened?”
Young Man: “My girl threw me a flower.”
Passerby: “But how could that cause that bump, and that swelling?”
Young man: “She forgot to detach the window box.”
No Monkey Business for Her
The mistress was giving the new maid, fresh from the country, a list of the household requirements.
“There you are, Alice,” she said, and then suddenly remembered an item she had almost forgotten. “O – er – don’t forget we shall want a new griller for the kitchen, too.”
Alice stared vacantly.
“Don’t you know what a griller is?” asked the other sharply.
“I should think I do,” replied the maid significantly. “It’s a big, hairy monkey the size of a man. And if you want one of those in your kitchen I’m leaving at once.”
Stay-at-home: “They say that if there’s anything in a man, travel will bring it out.”
Footloose: “Yes, indeed! I found that out my first trip across the ocean!”