On the presumption that nobody is going to want to read a whole lot today, let’s have a double dose this week of strange old humor. Happy New Year, from the Instructor, 1949:
The little girl was moving from Salt Lake to New York with her parents, and was greatly excited. The night before the departure, she was saying her prayers as usual, but finished off with, “God bless Mommy and Daddy and my little brother Tommy; and this is good-bye, God – we’re moving to New York tomorrow.”
It wouldn’t hurt so much to become angry, except that for some reason anger makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
Working on a crossword puzzle, Mrs. Green asked, “What is a female sheep?”
“Ewe,” replied Mr. Green – and the battle was on.
A certain train had been late every day for weeks, but one day it rolled into the depot exactly on the dot. The surprised and pleased passengers got together and made up a handsome purse for the engineer and presented it to him with an eloquent speech, commending him for being on time at last.
The engineer refused the purse sadly, saying: “Gentlemen, it breaks my heart to do this, for I sure need the money, but this here is yesterday’s train.”
Teacher: “Now, Percy, what is the third letter of the alphabet?”
Percy: “I dunno.”
Teacher: “Yes, you do. What is it that you do with your eyes?”
Percy: “Mother says I squint.”
“How long did it take your wife to learn to drive?”
“It will be ten years this fall.”
“Are you the young man who jumped in the river and saved my son from drowning when he fell through the ice?”
“Well, where’s his mittens?”
A young lady stalled her car at a traffic light one winter day. She stamped on the starter, tried again, choked her engine, while behind her an impatient citizen honked his horn steadily. Finally, she got out and walked back.
“I’m awfully sorry, but I don’t seem to be able to start my car,” she told the driver of the other car pleasantly. “If you’ll go up there and start it for me, I’ll stay here and lean on your horn.”
Friend, to policeman who had formerly been a salesman: “How do you like the new job?”
Policeman: “Swell – the pay is good, the hours okay, and the customer is always wrong.”
“Martha, every time I see you in that hat I laugh.”
“Good – I’ll be sure to put it on when the bill comes in.”
Johnny was stumbling along the street, crying bitterly. A kindly old gentleman stepped up to him and said, “What ails you, young fellow?”
“I’ve l-lost the d-dime the t-teacher gave for b-being the best boy in the c-class,” Johnny sobbed.
“Oh, well, don’t cry,” consoled the kindly gentleman. “Here is another dime that will take the place of the one you lost. But tell me, how did you lose it?”
“’Cause,” replied Johnny, “I wasn’t the best boy in the class.”
Jimmy seemed a bit backward in school, and his mother decided to have a psychiatrist look him over. The doctor started with a few questions.
“How many ears has a dog, Jimmy?”
“Two,” replied the boy.
“How many legs?”
“And how many eyes has a dog?” asked the doctor.
“Golly, Doc,” said Jimmy finally, “haven’t you ever seen a dog?”
Mrs. Brown accused the doctor of overcharging her.
“Don’t forget that I made eleven visits to your son while he had the measles.”
“And don’t you forget that he infected the whole school,” countered Mrs. Brown.
“Some people are funny,” mused the man at the club. ‘I know a man who hadn’t kissed his wife for ten years. Then he goes and hits a fellow who did.”
Stern father: “Say, young man, it’s past midnight. Do you think you can stay here all night?!”
“Gosh!” exclaimed the innocent young suitor. “I’ll have to telephone Mother first.”
A symphony conductor was rehearsing a difficult solo passage for the flute. After going over it many times the conductor rapped for attention. “We can’t stay on this any longer – we must go on now to the second movement.” He turned to the flutist. “You’ll keep in touch with us, won’t you?”
Some men smile in the evening; some men smile at dawn. But the man worth while is the man who can smile when his two front teeth are gone.
Two bricklayers were having a heated argument over the labor question. Finally Pete challenged Joe to state the difference between capital and labor. Joe was equal to the occasion. “The difference ’tween capital and labor is this: If you borrow ten dollars from me, that would be capital, but if I tried to get it back, that would be labor.”
When Noah sailed the waters blue, he had his troubles same as you. For forty days he drove the ark before he found a place to park.
A clerk, drawn for jury duty, asked the judge to excuse him on the ground that he had to be at the office.
“So you think your employer can’t get along without you?” queried the judge.
“No, your Honor,” replied the clerk. “I believe he can, but I don’t want him to find it out.”
The judge said, “Excused.”
On a walk with her mother, little Rosalie spoke to a small boy. “His name is Jimmie,” she explained. “He’s in my room at school.”
“What’s his last name?” asked her mother.
“His whole name,” replied Rosalie, “is Jimmie Sitdown – that’s what the teacher calls him.”