Enjoy some more jokes from the 1944 Millennial Star, published at a time when the staff was British, not American:
Did you ever hear about the Little Moron who –
– moved to the city because he heard the country was at war?
– thought he was deformed because his Army uniform fitted him perfectly?
– went to the lumber yard looking for his draught board?
– was too modest to go near his car when he heard the gears were stripped?
– swallowed some copper so there’d be some change in him?
True to Form
A Yankee was on a Christmas walking tour in Scotland. Snow had fallen, and he was struggling along a narrow road when he met a Highlander.
“I guess, friend, I sure am lost!” he said plaintively.
Scot: “Is there a reward oot for ye?”
Scot: “Weel, ye’re still lost.”
Is It a Fact?
Fifty years ago James Saint was a leading draper in Aberdeen. One of his letters was, by misadventure, addressed to Edinburgh. Edinburgh Post Office marked on the letter: “No Saints in Edinburgh; try Aberdeen.”
Not for Him
A farmer had his farm burned and called on the insurance office to learn how to make his claim. The insurance company said they had an option; they could pay for the damage or they could replace. In this case they would replace.
Farmer: “Is this the way you do business? Then you cancel my wife’s insurance.”
The sheriff was marrying a couple. he asked the woman if she took this man to be her lawfully wedded husband. When he turned to the man his mind seemed to return to court. He asked: “Have you anything to say in defence?”
Farmer: “What are you doing here?”
Farmer: “Courting wi’ a lantern? I had no lantern when I went courting.”
Man: “I guess not; I’ve seen your missus.”
The Last Straw
A lecturer advised husbands to kiss their wives. One man went home, found his wife looking sad, and went straight up and kissed her. She completely broke down. “Everything’s gone wrong today,” she sobbed, “and now here’s you home drunk.”
Just as Well
A speaker had given a number of stories which he hoped to use again on another occasion, so he asked the reporter not to publish them. in the paper next day, after the report of the speech, was added: “and he told a number of stories that cannot be published.”
Irish policeman examining broken window: “Just as I thought – broken on both sides.”
He’d Had It!
Two Scots gamekeepers had a bottle of whisky between them. After drinking some, they agreed to leave some for the morning. During the night McTavish heard McDonald stealthily crossing the floor.
“What do you want, Donald?”
“Naething, naething,” said Donald.
“Ye’ll be finding it in the bottle,” said McTavish.
“What like is your new minister?”
“Oh, there is nothing but praise,” said an enthusiastic member.
“I thought that when I saw the collection,” said the cynic.
Mary was delighted with the character [letter of reference] she got in Glasgow. She was reading it on the boat to Ireland. It blew away. Would the captain turn the boat and get it? No, but he would give her a new one – “Mary came on board with a good character but lost it on the boat.”
Not So Sure
A restaurant had a prominent notice – “No smoking.” A rustic continued to smoke. The proprietor pointed to the notice.
“Do you have to obey a’ they notices?” asked the rustic.
“What are they there for?” asked the proprietor.
“I was wondering,” said the rustic, “about that ither ane – ‘Wear Venus Corsets.’”
The Loser Pays
A lady in the country had two small nephews but could only take one for a holiday. When Charlie arrived she said, “Well, Charlie, it’s you that has come. How did you decide?”
“We tossed,” said Charlie.
“So you won,” his aunt remarked.
“No, I lost,” responded Charlie.
A farm servant was being examined for health insurance and was asked, “have you ever had an accident?” The answer was “No.”
“Then why are you lame?”
“A bull pitched me over a fence.”
“Well, was that not an accident?”
“No fear, the old bull meant it.”
“If you do not close that window, waiter, I shall die from the draught,” said a lady diner. “And if you do close it, I shall die from the heat in this hot weather!” exclaimed a stouter lady.
There was a giggle amongst the diners at the dilemma of the waiter, when a literary gentleman said: “My good fellow, your duty is clear: Close the window and kill one lady; then open it and kill the other.”