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Funny Bones, 1942

By: Ardis E. Parshall - December 19, 2009

Some (ahem) gems from the church magazines of 1942 –

Knitting Lessons

“So that striptease dancer couldn’t learn to knit.”

“No, she’s been trained to drop every stitch, you know!”

Misapprehension

A widow visited a spiritualist medium who produced a deceased husband for a little chinfest.

“Dear John,” the widow questioned eagerly, “Are you happy now?”

“I am very happy,” the spook assured her.

“Happier than you were on earth with me?” the widow continued.

“Yes,” John answered, “I am happy now.”

“Oh, do tell me, John, what is it like in Heaven?”

“Heaven!” the spook snapped. “I ain’t in heaven!”

They Never Stop

Ella: “What’s the rent of your nice room, Gladys? I suppose they ask a lot for it.”

Gladys: “Yes, they ask for it almost all the time.”

Too Nosey

Track Jockey: “Well, darling, I made two hundred dollars today.”

Wifey: “Honestly?”

Jockey: “Now why bring that up?”

Had Some Good Qualities

Lady: “That parrot I bought here swears frightfully.”

Dealer: “I don’t deny, Madam, that he uses violent language. But you must admit that he doesn’t drink or smoke.”

Dumb Dora

“My boy friend in the R.A.F. drops bombs on taprooms and nightclubs.”

“That sounds strange.”

“Yeah, in his letters he says he’s a Dive Bomber.”

Monkey Business

Jimmy: “Mother, let me go to the zoo to see the monkeys.”

Mother: “Why, Jimmy, what an idea! Imagine wanting to go to see the monkeys when your Aunt Betsy is here!”

A Distinction

One night when Grover Cleveland was President, he was rudely awakened by his wife.

“Wake up, wake up at once. there are burglars in the house!”

“Oh, no, my dear,” answered the Chief Executive, still deep in slumber. “there may be in the Senate, but surely not in the House.”

Identity

Editor: “Did you write this poem yourself?”

Contributor: “Yes, every line of it.”

Editor: “Then I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Edgar Allen Poe. I thought you were dead long ago!”

Welcome and Thank You

Husband: “You say the bill collector is downstairs?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Husband: “Well, tell him to take the pile on my desk.”

She Did

Preacher: “If there be anyone in the congregation who likes sin, let him stand up – what’s this – Sister Virginia, you like sin?”

Sister Virginia: “Oh, pardon me. I thought you said gin.”

As Like as Two Peas

“MacGregor’s son is just like his father, isn’t he?”

“Yes, he’s a cheap off the old block.”

Unanimous

Pop: “No, sir, when I was your age I thought nothing of chopping wood all day.”

Sonny: “I don’t think so much of it either.”

Irony

Teacher: “How was iron ore first discovered?”

Jimmy: “I believe they smelt it.”

Why Not?

“Will, what is a quarterback?”

“Quarterback? Why, it’s a 25-cent refund.”

Gravitation

Teacher: “What great law is Newton credited with discovering?”

The class (in unison): “The bigger they are the harder they fall.”

Horse Play

“What’s Joe like?”

“Oh, he’s a big, loose-jointed fellow.”

“He must have a lot of fun with himself.”

“Fun with himself? Why?”

“There’s so much play in his joints.”

Just a Memory

Mrs. A.: “I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?”

Mrs. B.: “Yes, it is a lock of my husband’s hair.”

Mrs. A.: “But your husband is still alive.”

Mrs. B.: “Yes, but his hair is gone.”



4 Comments »

  1. Wow. Striptease dancer mentioned in a Church publication? Wow.

    Comment by Coffinberry — December 19, 2009 @ 7:04 am

  2. Oh my goodness, Ardis, these are hilarious! “Heaven! I ain’t in heaven!”

    Comment by Researcher — December 19, 2009 @ 7:36 am

  3. “She did” makes me think of King Lamoni. In all honesty that whole congregation probably should have stood up. We all love our sins, even if we decry sin in general. Giving them up, despite our love for them, is the price of knowing God. Sadly, I must admit that I do not know him as well as I should. All hail Virginia! Sic semper tyranus!

    Comment by Eric Boysen — December 19, 2009 @ 8:40 am

  4. My oh my oh my! Great stuff as usual, Ardis. ..bruce..

    Comment by bfwebster — December 20, 2009 @ 10:19 am

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