From the Juvenile Instructor of 1933 –
Time Healeth All Things
“Is the climate in this town healthful?” asked the stranger.
“Sure is,” the native replied. “Why, when I came here I couldn’t utter a word, I had scarcely a hair on my head, I hadn’t strength enough to walk across the room, and I had to be lifted from bed.”
“Wonderful!” exclaimed the stranger. “And how long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”
“Bragson claims to have been born with a gold spoon in his mouth.”
“If he was, I’ll bet it had somebody else’s initials on it.”
A Discontented Pair
During courtship you spoke and she listened;
After marriage she spoke and you listened;
Now you both speak and the neighbors listen.
Hard to Tell
“I want an E string, please,” said the violinist to the London music seller.
“I’m a new ’and at this business, sir,” explained the clerk as he took down the box. “Would you mind picking it out for yourself? I ’ardly knows the ’es from the shes.”
Small Boy (to his father): “The world is round, isn’t it?”
Father: “It is.”
Boy: “Then if I wanted to go east I could get there by going west, couldn’t I?”
Father: “Yes, and when you grow up you will be a taxicab driver.”
A Fragrant Episode
“Ladies and gentlemen,” said the lecturer, “I understand the language of wild animals.”
From the back of the hall piped a voice: “Well, the next time you see a skunk, ask him what’s the big idea.”
Teacher: “Correct this sentence: ‘It was me that spilt the ink.’”
Pupil: “It wasn’t me that spilt the ink.”
Ernie: “My uncle can play the piano by ear.”
Gurney: “That’s nothing. My uncle fiddles with his whiskers.”
Queen of the Paper Knife: “Care to buy a nice letter-opener, sir?”
“Don’t need one. I’m married.”
On the Job!
An advertisement of a laundry on spruce Street, Philadelphia: WHY KILL YOUR WIFE? LET US DO YOUR DIRTY WORK.
Pop: “There’s nothing worse than being old and bent.”
Son: “Yes, there is, Dad.”
Pop: “I’d like to know what it is.”
Son: “Being young and broke.”
Opportunity Knocks Again
Newly Rich Motorist (to station attendant): “My car’s down the road, out of gas. Get me a gallon, and hurry it up. What you need here is push. That’s how I made my money. Push. I pushed.”
Station Attendant: “Well, you’ll have to push some more, mister. There ain’t a drop of gas around the place.”
A Lesson in Etiquette
A regular patron was dining in a smart restaurant. Another customer sat down at his table and tied his napkin around his neck. The manager, scandalized, called for a boy and said to him: “Try to make him understand as tactfully as possible that that’s not done.”
Boy (seriously to customer): “A shave or hair cut, sir?”
Some men think they have an inferiority complex when as a matter of fact they’re just inferior.
Golfer (to members ahead): “Pardon, would you mind if I played through? I’ve just heard that my wife is seriously ill.”
Traffic Cop: “Let me see your license.”
Tourist: “Which one? marriage, car, driver’s, campfire, fishing or hunting? Open the license trunk, Maria.”
“Did you go to your lodge meeting last night, Festus?”
“No, we have to postpone it, on account of the Grand All-Powerful Invincible Supreme Unconquerable Potentate done got beat up by his wife.”
Anyway, It Made Us Laugh!
Hero: “Cur! Where are those papers?”
Villain: “They are at the blacksmith’s.”
Hero: “Ha! so you’re having them forged!”
Villain: “No, I’m having them filed!”
Not One of the Plagues
A girl who had just returned from Egypt was telling her mother about the Pyramids and other wonders. Some of the stones, she said, were covered with hieroglyphics.
“I hope, dear,” said her mother, anxiously, “you were careful not to get any of them on you.”
A Fair Exchange
The office boy had gone out on what would ordinarily be a ten-minute errand. At the end of this period he had not returned; in fact it was three-quarters of an hour before he appeared.
“Where have you been?” demanded his irate employer.
“Gettin’ a hair-cut,” laconically replied the youth.
“What!” shouted the man, “getting a hair-cut on Company time; what’s the big idea?”
“Well, said the office boy, “it grows on Company time, doesn’t it?”