More, more, more humor from the funny pages of the Improvement Era of 1947:
“Is it true,” the friend said to the art dealer, “that the picture you just sold that man was a genuine work of art?”
“I’m afraid not, but that story I told about it certainly was.”
Wide Open Spaces
“You’ve read my new book?”
“What do you think of it?”
“Well, to be perfectly truthful, I think the covers are a little far apart.”
“Why are you running like that, Junior?”
“I’m trying to keep two little boys from fighting.”
“That’s good – and who are the little boys?”
“Willie Jones and me.”
“This is an eight-day clock. It will run for eight days without winding.”
“Goodness, and just how long will it go if you do wind it?”
Something New in Botany
“Which boy can tell me the pine with the longest needles?”
“Please, sir, the porcupine.”
The Prized Prize
“What do you mean by saying that your dog took first prize at the cat show?”
“Why, he took the cat!”
“What are the three most used words?”
“I don’t know – ”
“Is the boss of the house in?”
“Yes, he’s asleep in his cradle.”
There’s a Reason
“Can anybody tell me,” the Sunday School teacher asked, “why the lions didn’t eat Daniel?”
“Could it be that most of him was backbone, and the rest of him was grit?” came the answer from the back row.
A Sunday School teacher was endeavoring to explain heavenly rewards for good people.
“Now tell me,” she said at the end of the lesson, “who will get the biggest crown?”
“Him what’s got the biggest head!”
Need of the Hour
“What do we need for dinner tonight?”
“I’m glad you asked that – I’ve just tripped over the edge of the rug, and we need a set of dishes.”
The talkative city man was trying to start a conversation with a tight-lipped native.
“I say, haven’t you broken your arm there?”
“Did you have an accident?”
“Well, then, how on earth did you break it?”
“Trying to pay myself on the back.”
“Patting yourself on the back? What on earth would you be trying to do that for?”
“For minding my own business.”
Young Man with a Future
“I understand that son of yours is learning a trade. Do you think he’ll work at it?”
“Not that boy – he’s probably learning it so he can tell people what kind of work he’s out of.”
Purpose in All Things
Two explorers met in the heart of the deep jungle and were discussing their life’s work.
“I came out here,” said the first, “because the urge to travel was in my blood. the dullness of town life got me, and the smell of burnt gasoline on the highways sickened me. I wanted to see the sun rise over new horizons, hear the flutter of birds that have never been scared by man. I wanted to leave my footsteps on sand that had bene unmarked before I came along. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What did you come out here for?”
“My daughter was taking tuba lessons.”
He was in the act of proposing:
“And, my dear, I’ll lay my fortune at your feet.”
“It isn’t a very big fortune,” she said, coldly.
“I know, sweetheart, but it will look awfully big beside your little feet.”
Cannot Tell a Lie
He had been fishing, but with bad luck. On his way home, he entered a fishmonger’s shop and said to the dealer, “John, stand over there and throw me five of the biggest of those trout.”
“Throw ’em? What for?” asked the dealer in amazement.
“I want to tell the family I caught ’em. I may be a poor fisherman, but I’m no liar.”
“Have you any cream for restoring the complexion?” asked the faded old maid.
“Restoring, miss? You mean preserving!” the clerk said heartily and sold ten dollars’ worth.
Principal vs. Principle
“It’s not exactly the school that I don’t like,” said the mean little truant, “it’s the principal of the thing.”
“I suppose,” said the banker to the little man, “you will want a joint checking account for your wife and yourself.”
“No,” replied the new depositor, “this is my second wife.”
The young boy had been told by his scoutmaster that he should carry some means of identification at all times in case of accident. A few days later he took from his pocket a small wallet and exhibited a card which read:
“In case of accident, this was Billy Mack.”
A Firm Foundation
They were entertaining guests in a new, prefabricated home. Suddenly one of the guests stopped speaking and listened. At length he said:
“Surely, you’re not troubled by mice already.”
“That’s not mice,” the householder corrected. “That’s the people next door eating celery.”