From the Juvenile Instructor of 1940 –
Miss Brown, a young and enthusiastic fourth grade teacher prided herself upon knowing by sight the parents of all her pupils.
One day she boarded a crowded street car and believing she saw one of the parents, she called out a cheery, “Good morning, Mr. James.” The gentleman addressed turned and she found that he was a stranger. Blushing rosily, she attempted an apology.
“I – I beg your pardon,” she stammered. “I thought you were the father of one of my children!”
Give Him Time
Mrs. Wimpus: “The new couple next door seem very devoted. he kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?”
Wimpus: “I don’t know her well enough yet.”
At the Clinic
First Intern: “Why do you call that new nurse ‘Appendix’?”
Second Intern: “Because all the doctors want to take her out.”
Flogged at the Switch
Child Training Expert: “If your children become unmanageable, quickly switch their attention.”
Puzzled Parent: “Their what?”
In the Shadow
Father: “I’m surprised that you should become infatuated with that girl. Why, you should have been able to read her like a book.”
Son: “Well, you see, dad, the light was rather low.”
Little Susan was much impressed by Marie Dressler’s facial contortions as shown on the screen in “Tillie’s Punctured Romance.”
“Oh, mother,” she exclaimed, “she rolled her eyes so that you couldn’t see anything but the whites; the yolks didn’t show at all.”
Too Big a Haul
The mayor of a tough border town was about to engage a preacher for the new church.
“Parson, you aren’t by any chance a Baptist, are you?”
“Why, no, not necessarily. Why?”
“Well, I was just a-goin’ to say we ave to haul our water twelve miles.”
Don’t Stand Too Close
Brown: “I understand this new lima bean of yours is a quick grower.”
Black: “Quick grower! Say, all you do is plant your poles, stick the seed in the ground and jump clear!”
No Fooling Here
“Who’s dead?’ asked the stranger, viewing the elaborate funeral procession.
“The bloke what’s inside the coffin,” answered an irreverent small boy.
“But who is it?” the stranger pursued.
“It’s the mayor,” was the reply.
“So the mayor is dead, is he?” mused the stranger.
“Well, I guess,” said the small boy, witheringly, “D’ you think he’s having a rehearsal?”
The Folly of It
Mother to daughter: “I don’t want you to marry. I’ve seen the folly of it.”
Daughter: “But mother, I want to see the folly of it, too!”
Teacher: “Tommy, what is meant by nutritious food?”
Tommy: “Something to eat that ain’t got no taste to it.”
Hanging O.K. with Him
A young fellow at the club was talking to an old and conservative member with reference to criminal procedure, when he observed:
“I see there’s some talk in this state upon the question of abolishing capital punishment. Would you vote to abolish it?”
“I would not,” was the decided reply of the old chap. “Capital punishment was good enough for my ancestors, and it’s good enough for me!”
Grocer (to little boy standing close to the apple basket): “Are you tryin’ to steal them apples, boy?”
“N–No, sir,” faltered the boy, “I’m tryin’ not to.”
The Story of a Life
A woman married four times, first to a millionaire, then to an actor, a hair dresser, and an undertaker – 1 for the money, 2for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go.
“Did you see my sunburst last night?” inquired the pompous Mrs. Newrich of her poorer neighbor.
“No, I didn’t,” said the neighbor caustically; “but I certainly thought he would if he ate another bite.”
A country weekly says: “We wish to apologize to Mrs. Orlando Overlook. In our paper last week we had as a heading, “Mrs. Overlook’s Big Feet.” The word we ought to have used is a French word pronounced the same but spelled f-e-t-e. It means a celebration, and is considered a very tony word.”
“But, dear, I am late for dinner because I have had my nose to the grindstone all day.”
‘Well, you had better get a grindstone that doesn’t leave face powder, rouge and lipstick all over you!”
An Old One
“Well, do you want a meal enough to work for it?”
“Lady, I’m hungry, not desperate.”