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Funny Bones, 1940 (2nd set)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - November 21, 2009

From the Juvenile Instructor of 1940 –

Embarrassing Moments

Miss Brown, a young and enthusiastic fourth grade teacher prided herself upon knowing by sight the parents of all her pupils.

One day she boarded a crowded street car and believing she saw one of the parents, she called out a cheery, “Good morning, Mr. James.” The gentleman addressed turned and she found that he was a stranger. Blushing rosily, she attempted an apology.

“I – I beg your pardon,” she stammered. “I thought you were the father of one of my children!”

Give Him Time

Mrs. Wimpus: “The new couple next door seem very devoted. he kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?”

Wimpus: “I don’t know her well enough yet.”

At the Clinic

First Intern: “Why do you call that new nurse ‘Appendix’?”

Second Intern: “Because all the doctors want to take her out.”

Flogged at the Switch

Child Training Expert: “If your children become unmanageable, quickly switch their attention.”

Puzzled Parent: “Their what?”

In the Shadow

Father: “I’m surprised that you should become infatuated with that girl. Why, you should have been able to read her like a book.”

Son: “Well, you see, dad, the light was rather low.”

Egg Rolling

Little Susan was much impressed by Marie Dressler’s facial contortions as shown on the screen in “Tillie’s Punctured Romance.”

“Oh, mother,” she exclaimed, “she rolled her eyes so that you couldn’t see anything but the whites; the yolks didn’t show at all.”

Too Big a Haul

The mayor of a tough border town was about to engage a preacher for the new church.

“Parson, you aren’t by any chance a Baptist, are you?”

“Why, no, not necessarily. Why?”

“Well, I was just a-goin’ to say we ave to haul our water twelve miles.”

Don’t Stand Too Close

Brown: “I understand this new lima bean of yours is a quick grower.”

Black: “Quick grower! Say, all you do is plant your poles, stick the seed in the ground and jump clear!”

No Fooling Here

“Who’s dead?’ asked the stranger, viewing the elaborate funeral procession.

“The bloke what’s inside the coffin,” answered an irreverent small boy.

“But who is it?” the stranger pursued.

“It’s the mayor,” was the reply.

“So the mayor is dead, is he?” mused the stranger.

“Well, I guess,” said the small boy, witheringly, “D’ you think he’s having a rehearsal?”

The Folly of It

Mother to daughter: “I don’t want you to marry. I’ve seen the folly of it.”

Daughter: “But mother, I want to see the folly of it, too!”

Health Note

Teacher: “Tommy, what is meant by nutritious food?”

Tommy: “Something to eat that ain’t got no taste to it.”

Hanging O.K. with Him

A young fellow at the club was talking to an old and conservative member with reference to criminal procedure, when he observed:

“I see there’s some talk in this state upon the question of abolishing capital punishment. Would you vote to abolish it?”

“I would not,” was the decided reply of the old chap. “Capital punishment was good enough for my ancestors, and it’s good enough for me!”

Being Good

Grocer (to little boy standing close to the apple basket): “Are you tryin’ to steal them apples, boy?”

“N–No, sir,” faltered the boy, “I’m tryin’ not to.”

The Story of a Life

A woman married four times, first to a millionaire, then to an actor, a hair dresser, and an undertaker – 1 for the money, 2for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go.

Caustic

“Did you see my sunburst last night?” inquired the pompous Mrs. Newrich of her poorer neighbor.

“No, I didn’t,” said the neighbor caustically; “but I certainly thought he would if he ate another bite.”

A Retraction

A country weekly says: “We wish to apologize to Mrs. Orlando Overlook. In our paper last week we had as a heading, “Mrs. Overlook’s Big Feet.” The word we ought to have used is a French word pronounced the same but spelled f-e-t-e. It means a celebration, and is considered a very tony word.”

Visual Education

“But, dear, I am late for dinner because I have had my nose to the grindstone all day.”

‘Well, you had better get a grindstone that doesn’t leave face powder, rouge and lipstick all over you!”

An Old One

“Well, do you want a meal enough to work for it?”

“Lady, I’m hungry, not desperate.”



3 Comments »

  1. I doubt that you would find some of these jokes in today’s church magazines (“Embarrassing Moments” for example), but you might hear them quoted by an emcee at an Elder’s social.

    Comment by Maurine — November 21, 2009 @ 9:10 pm

  2. That was my favorite, which is why it’s at the top … I guess I like the naughty ones. “The Story of a Life” was pretty clever, too.

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — November 21, 2009 @ 9:51 pm

  3. OK, I’m glad I wasn’t drinking anything when I read the first joke, or I would have sprayed my monitor. Don’t think we’d find that in the Ensign today. :-)

    True story. My former wife’s parents (Mary and Earl) divorced when she was young, and both eventually remarried. After a number of years, her mom (i.e., Mary) actually ended up becoming friends (or at least comfortable acquaintances) with Earl’s new wife, Charlotte. In one conversation, Mary happened to mention a medical issue she was dealing with; Charlotte said she had a similar problem and that a particular doctor had done a great job of diagnosing and treating it, so Mary asked for the doctor’s name and contact info, then made an appointment.

    During the exam, the doctor asked Mary how she happened to pick him to come see. Mary said that Charlotte had recommended her. He asked if she knew Charlotte well. Mary replied, “Oh, yes, I’ve known Charlotte for quite a few years.” Then very deliberately and somewhat conspiratorially: “In fact, don’t tell anyone, but her husband is the father of my child.” The doctor was quite upset (this was 1970 or so) until Mary burst out laughing and explained that Earl was her ex-husband. ..bruce..

    Comment by bfwebster — November 22, 2009 @ 9:52 am

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