Another string of corny jokes from the church magazines of the past —
A Close Shave
Doctor: “Have you told Mr. Brown that he is the father of twins?”
Nurse: “Not yet. He’s shaving.”
Design for Victory
Air Raid Warden: “You should keep a shovel and several buckets of sand handy in case an incendiary bomb lands on your place.”
Owner: “That’s fine. But what in case of a high explosive bomb?”
Warden: “Then you won’t need the sand.”
Mrs. Dess: “How’s your Victory Garden doing?”
Mrs. Pair: “Not so well. Everytime my husband digs in it, he finds so many worms he goes fishin’.”
Both Got Away
Angler: “The fish I caught was so large my friends wouldn’t let me pull it aboard for fear of swamping the boat.”
Another Angler: “I quite believe you. I once had a similar experience on the Queen Mary.”
Heaven on Earth
Two college presidents were discussing what they’d like to do when retired:
First President: “Why, I’d like to be superintendent of an orphans’ home, so I’d never get letters from parents.”
Second President: “My choice is better, I believe. I’d like a job as penitentiary warden. The alumni never come back for a visit.”
Up and Down
Old Gentleman; “And what does your father do for a living, Buster?”
Buster: “Chops down trees.”
Old Gentleman: “And what does he do after he has chopped them down?”
Buster: “Chops ’em up.”
Mr. Beau: “Say you love me! Say it! Say it! Say it!”
Miss Brummel: “You love me.”
Fan: “See that man playing second base? He’ll be our best man in about a week.”
Fanny: “Oh, this is so sudden.”
Old Settler: “How do you like our little town?”
Visitor: “It’s the first cemetery that I’ve ever seen with lights in it.”
“Yes,” gushed the young mother. “Baby is king in our house.”
“Hmmm-m. Usually a baby is the Prince of Wails.”
His Money’s Worth
An Irishman, a Hebrew and a Scotsman were eating in a restaurant, and each had a glass of milk. The place was buzzing with flies, and soon there was a fly in each glass of milk. The Irishman flicked his out with his finger. The Hebrew carefully lifted his out, and the Scotsman – well, he picked his up by one wing and then squeezed it.
Hat Salesman: “Now here’s a hat we sell for $20.”
Customer: “Where are the holes?”
Salesman: “What holes?”
Customer: “The holes for the ears of the jackass that would pay $20 for the hat.”
The Unkindest Cut
“Is my face dirty, or is it my imagination?”
“I don’t know about your imagination, but your face is clean.”
Heard in an English air raid shelter:
“Is there a macintosh in here that’s large enough to keep two ladies warm?”
“No, but there’s a MacPherson who’s willing to try,” was the reply from a dark corner.
For an hour the commanding officer had been lecturing the squad of British recruits about the glories of being a soldier. Having emphasized their duties, the officer called to one of the recruits, and questioned him.
“Tell me, why should a man lay down his life for his king and country?
McGinty scratched his head for a moment. Then his face lit up, “Begorrah, captain,” he said, “you’re right – why should he?”
On the Beam
Emily Post takes a whole page to explain how a young man should ask a girl to a dance. The un-Posted youth simplifies it all by saying, “Come on, woman, let’s wiggle.”
Mother: “Maud, were you a good little girl at church today?”
Maud: “Yes, mother. A man offered me a big plate of money, and I said, ‘No, thank you.’”
The small boy had just started school, and after a week he said: “Mummy, the teacher asked me all about you and daddy, and if I had any brothers and sisters.”
“I am glad to see her taking so much interest,” replied the mother. “What did you tell her?”
“I said I was an only child.”
“And what did she say to that?” asked the mother.
“Oh, just ‘Thank heaven.’”
Architect: “Now if you’ll give me a general idea of the kind of home you need.”
Prospective Builder: “Well, we want something to go with an antique door knocker my wife brought home from Mexico City.”
That Is Different
The committee of the women’s club were discussing their program. One member suggested that a glove-making class would be interesting.
“Do you think that’s really necessary – at our age, I mean?” asked one elderly woman, looking rather alarmed.
“What, glove-making?” she was asked.
“Oh,” she said, looking greatly relieved. “I thought you said love-making!”
First Old Maid: “I shiver every time I think of a handsome young man kissing me.”
Second Old Maid: “And here I’ve been thinking you had St. Vitus dance all these years.”
That Gone Feeling
Of all the sad surprises
There is nothing to compare
With treading in the darkness
On a step that isn’t there.