Keepapitchinin, the Mormon History blog » Funny Bones, 1919
 


Funny Bones, 1919

By: Ardis E. Parshall - October 31, 2009

It’s Saturday. I dare you not to laugh.

Mannerly Conversation.

Mama: “Willie, you have no manners.”

Willie: “Well, if I waste them now I won’t have any when company comes.”

Commercially Speaking.

“I understand you have several speeches ready for delivery.”

“Yes,” answered Senator Sorghum. “They are ready for delivery, but they remain uncalled for.”

Showing Them What Was What.

New Curate: “What did you think of the sermon on Sunday, Mrs. Jones?”

Parishioner: “Very good indeed, sir. So instructive. We really didn’t know what sin was till you came here.”

Fixing Up the House.

“Have you no potted geraniums?”

“No. We have some very nice chrysanthemums.”

“I must have geraniums. They are for my wife.”

“I’m sure she’d like these chrysanthemums.”

“You don’t understand. The geraniums are to replace some I promised to care for while she was away.”

Natural Deductions.

“Can any of you tell me what the ruler of Russia was called?” asked the teacher.

“The Czar,” roared the class.

“And what was the Czar’s wife known as?”

Only two voices answered this time: “The Czarina.”

“Ah!” said the teacher, eyeing his flock fondly. “That is very good. Now, who will tell me what the Czar’s children were called?”

“Czardines!” yelled one little boy.

Why Thomas Thought She Had Better Call Him Thomas.

One of Booth Tarkington’s rich friends was employing a butler.

“We always call our servants by their last names,” said madam to the new butler. “What is your name?”

“May I suggest, madam, that in my case it might be better to call me by my first name, Thomas?” ventured the applicant.

“No,” said the decisive madam. “It’s your last name or nothing. What is your full name?”

“It is not that I have any objection, madam,” answered the butler. “It occurred to me that perhaps the family might not like it, ma’am. My name is Thomas Darling.”

Paid in Full

“Philip, I think you married me for money.”

“Well, dear, I believe I earned it, don’t you?”

A Soft Job

Wanted: Young man would like nice job testing limousine cushions. Can ride any make limousine. Last job was walking for Uncle Sam but would like a change. Address P.O. 234.

Time Saving

A doctor riding through a country lane came up with a man leisurely driving a herd of pigs.

“Where are you driving the pigs to?” asked the rider.

“Out to pasture them a bit – to fatten ‘em.”

“Isn’t it pretty slow work to fatten them on grass? Up where I come from we pen them up and feed them on corn. It saves a lot of time.”

“I suppose so,” drawled the man. “But what’s time to a pig?”

A Long Fall

Jones: “Speaking of bad falls, I fell out of a window once, and the sensation was simply awful. I really believed that I thought of every mean act I had ever committed.”

Brown: “Humph! You must have fallen an awful distance.”

Unassuming

“Is your wife one of those women who look at their husbands and say: ‘I made a man of him’?” asked the impertinent friend.

“No,” answered Mr. Meekton. “My Henrietta is very unassuming. She merely says she has done her best.”

Fish or Nut?

Teacher: “What is an oyster?”

Tommy: “Sir – A fish built like a nut.”

She Was Too Nimble

Judge – The police say that you and your wife had some words.

Prisoner – I had some, but didn’t get a chance to use them.

Ownership

A matron of the most determined character was encountered by a young woman reporter on a country paper, who was sent out to interview leading citizens as to their politics. “May I see Mr. — ?” she asked of a stern-looking woman who opened the door at one house.

“No you can’t,” answered the matron decisively.

“But I want to know what party he belongs to,” pleaded the girl.

The woman drew up her tall figure. “Well, take a good look at me,” she said, “I’m the party he belongs to!”

No Samples

W.R. Buckner, the memory expert, tells a good one on himself. A few weeks ago he alight4ed at the station of a small town, where he was scheduled to deliver a lecture on his system of “remembering things.” The aged man in charge of the decrepit hotel van approached him inquired how many trunks he had.

“I don’t use any trunks,” said Buckner.

“But you is a travelin’ man, isn’t you?” inquired the porter.

“Yes – but I sell brains.”

“Well, sir,” sighed the old driver, “Ah’ve been totin’ salesmen from this depo’ for nigh twenty years, an’ you’re the first one Ah ever struck what didn’t carry no samples!”

Where Else?

“I hear strange sounds in my ears, Doc.”

“Well, where would you expect to hear them?”

Bang!

First Class Scout: Hear about that explosion down at town the other day?

Tenderfoot: No.

First Class Scout: The wind blew up the river.

A Busy Morning

Housekeeper: “What makes you so late with the milk these mornings?”

Milkman: “Well, you see, mum, the law doesn’t allow us more than 25,000,000 bacteria to the gallon, an’ you wouldn’t believe how long it takes to count the little varmints!”

A Lesson in History

History was the subject which the class was studying, and presently the teacher asked: “Now, can any of you tell me who Joan of Arc was?”

Profound silence. Some of the children looked in thoughtful speculation at the teacher, while others stared wildly around the room as if in hopes that the maps on the walls might answer the question.

Then suddenly a hand waved wildly in the air, and a small boy shouted gleefully; “Please, teacher, Noah’s wife!”

Why the Punishment?

Mother – “Come, Freddie, and kiss your Aunt Martha.’

Freddie – “Aw, ma, I ain’t done nuthin’!”



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