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Funny Bones, 1970

By: Ardis E. Parshall - October 24, 2009

Some humor from “The End of an Era,” the humor page at the back of the The Improvement Era, in 1970:

“How is it you have not called me for my account?” the man asked his tailor.

“Oh, I never ask a gentleman.”

“Indeed! How, then, do you get on if he doesn’t pay?”

“Why,” replied the tailor, “after a certain time I conclude he is not a gentleman and then I ask him.”

“Doctor, I’m suffering from a pain in my right leg.”

“There’s no cure, alas. It’s because of old age.”

“You must be mistaken, doctor. The left leg is as old as the right, and it doesn’t hurt at all!”

Nagging wife: Wake up! You’re talking in your sleep!

Husband: My goodness, do you begrudge me those few words?

A reckless driver is one who passes you in spite of all your car can do.

(This isn’t on the joke page, but as I was flipping through the March 1970 Improvement Era, I came to a page entitled: “What Can You Do About Today’s $54-a-day Hospital Costs?”)

Friend: Which of your works of fiction do you consider the best?

Author: My last income tax return.

Life has its disappointments but there is no reason to be one of them.

“How old is she?”

“Oh, I couldn’t say – but she knew the Big Dipper when it was only a drinking cup!”

Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all; the conscientious historian will correct these defects. – Herodotus

First cannibal: Have you seen the dentist?

Second cannibal: Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time.

As the high councilor returned from stake priesthood meeting, his wife asked, “How was your talk this evening?” “Which one?” he asked. “The one I was going to give, the one I did give, or the one I delivered so brilliantly to myself on the way home?”

The editor received a manuscript with a letter that said, “The characters in this story are purely fictional and bear no resemblance to any person, living or dead.” When the editor returned it to the author, he scribbled across the bottom, “That’s what wrong with it.”

“Help! A man just stole my car!”

“Did you see him?”

“No, but I got the license number as he pulled away.”

Two hippies in dark glasses and long hair were strolling down an avenue when one of them happened to look up. “What’s that?” he asked his companion. “The sun or the moon?” “Don’t ask me, man,” said the other. “I don’t live in this neighborhood.”

Admirer to political candidate: “Great speech, sir. I liked the straightforward way you dodged those issues!”

“What are you doing here?” a policeman asked a man pacing the sidewalk at two o’clock in the morning. “I forgot my key, officer,” yawned the man, “and I’m waiting for my children to come home and let me in.”

Sign in optometrist’s window: “Eyes examined while you wait.”

The professor stepped up on the platform and, by way of breaking the ice, remarked: “I’ve just been asked to come up here and say something funny.” A student heckler in the back of the hall called out, “You’ll tell us when you say it, won’t you?” “I’ll tell you,” the professor responded. “The others will know.”

Two spinsters were discussing men. “Which would you desire most in a husband – brains, wealth, or appearance?” asked one. “Appearance,” said the other, “and the sooner the better.”

A woman in the suburbs was chatting over the back fence with her next door neighbor. “We’re going to live in a better neighborhood soon,” she said. “So are we,” volunteered the neighbor, confidently. “What? Are you moving too?” “No, we are staying here.”



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