Some of these funnies from the LDS magazines of 1944 are pretty good, in my warped opinion! The others? Well –
I bought a wooden whistle, and it wooden whistle. I bought a steel whistle, and it steel wooden whistle. And I bought a lead whistle, and it steel wooden lead me whistle. I bought a tin whistle. Now I tin whistle all the time.
“Look here, waiter, at the hair I found in the turtle soup.”
“Yes, sir; this is one time the hair and the tortoise came in together.”
“My brother is working with five thousand men under him.”
“Mowing lawns in a cemetery.”
“I’ve just been reading some statistics here – every time I breathe a man dies.”
“Gosh, man! Why don’t you use Listerine?”
“My little sister’s baby ate a whole newspaper up.”
“What did you do – send for a doctor?”
“No, we just fed him a Reader’s Digest.”
“Have you forgotten that five dollars you owe me?”
“Certainly not. Didn’t you see me try to dodge into that doorway?”
Brown: “Did you fish with flies?”
Gray (back from camping holiday): “Fish with them? We fished with them, camped with them, ate with them, slept with them.”
The reason roosters crow before anyone is up is because they won’t dare open their mouths after the hens awaken.
New Missionary: “Can you tell me what became of my predecessor?”
Cannibal Chief: “He made a trip into the interior.”
“What’s capital and labor?”
“Well, suppose I loaned you two dollars, that’s capital. When I try to get it back, that’s labor.”
Teacher: “What is a comet, Johnny?”
Johnny: “A star with a tail.”
Teacher: “That’s right. Can you name one?”
Johnny: “Mickey Mouse.”
Some folks speak as they think, and some oftener.
A bachelor thinks all girls are photogenic – all he gets from them are negatives.
Then there’s the one about the tiny girl who asked her Scotch parents: “Mother, what are prayers?”
“Messages to heaven, my dear,” replied the mother.
“Then that is why father always says his prayers at night – to get the low rate.”
On a street car a man gave a woman a seat. She fainted. On recovering she thanked him. Then he fainted.
The world is full of willing people; some are willing to work, and others are willing to let them.
“What time is it?”
“What’s the idea?”
“I’ve been asking people all day what time it is and everybody tells me something different.”
Customer: “Honestly, now, is this hairgrower any good?”
Barber: “My dear sir, do you see this hair brush I am using? Until some of this hair-grower got spilled on it last week, it was a ping pong paddle.”
Our language is called the mother tongue because father seldom gets a chance to use it.
“Suppose you found yourself on a desert island, Bob,” said the teacher, “and could have only one book. Which book would you prefer?”
After thinking a moment, Bob replied, “Boat Building for Amateurs.”
Offerings Collector (to Scotsman): “Will you give a quarter to the Lord?”
Scotsman: “How old are you, lassie?”
“Oh, well, I’m seventy-five. I’ll be seeing Him afore you, and I’ll hand it to Him myself.”
She was just temperamental – 90 per cent temper and 10 per cent mental.
Teacher: “Donald, give me a sentence containing ‘flippancy.’”
Donald: “Let’s flip ‘n’ see whether I pass or flunk.”
The reason a dog is such a lovable creature is that his tail wags instead of his tongue.