The Improvement Era asked its readers to submit Mormon-flavored jokes this year, mixed with the magazine’s usual brand of humor. Illustrations were provided by the Era’s in-house artist, Fielding K. (“Smat”) Smith.
Installment a la Utopia
Salesman: “And how would you like to arrange the deferred payments?”
Apostle Francis M. Lyman, visiting at a stake conference during a dry season, is said to have advised the people that their prayers would be of great help in bringing about the much needed rain. In the closing prayer Brother Spencer asked for this blessing:
“O, Lord, don’t send us a gully-washer, but one of those good ol’ drizzle-drazzles. Amen.”
Worms – Please Note
Old Jake Collins stood behind the pulpit discoursing energetically on the “Word of Wisdom.” Presently he brought forth a bottle of water and a bottle of whiskey and set them on the pulpit together with two glasses and an old tin can. Jake poured into the one glass some water and into the other glass some whiskey. Then, from the tin can he produced two large worms, placing one in each glass. The worm in the water kept wiggling continually while the worm in the whiskey died after a few convulsive struggles.
“Now,” asked Jake, “can anyone tell us the moral of this little illustration?”
A wide-eyed little Deacon on the first row readily volunteered: “If you have worms – drink whiskey!”
A Soft Answer
To a crude log hut in what is now Layton, Utah, came a begging Indian, in the early fifties. When he failed to get all he asked for, he grunted and exclaimed: “Me shoot!”
The husbandman (Lewis Whitesides) retorted with a withering look and piercing voice, the following challenge: “Who the h— are you going to shoot?”
The wily Indian dropped his haughtiness and answered shyly: “Me shoot chicken.”
Among Our Trials
While teaching a lesson in fourth grade history class on the pioneers and the settlement of Utah, I told of Indian depredations, and hardships of the pioneers en route to Salt Lake City. I also mentioned the number of babies born at Winter Quarters on a cold winter night.
After the lesson was finished, I asked the question: “What was one of the great trials of the Pioneers?”
A little boy’s hand was raised promptly, and he confidently replied: “Babies.”
On a rainy day a much-jeweled woman in a sable coat boarded a street car.
“I don’t suppose I’ve ridden on a street car for two years,” she informed the conductor, a gloomy fellow, as she gave him her fare. ‘I ride in my own car,” she explained.
The conductor punched her ticket. “You don’t know how much we’ve missed you,” he said quietly.
“Mother, I just can’t go to school today.”
“I don’t feel well.”
“Where don’t you feel well?”
Perfection will be reached when the automobile can be made fool-in-the-other-car-proof.
Speaking of Last Names
A little boy was telling the story he had heard at Sunday School about Laman and Leemuel and Nephi and Sam.
“Sam who?” a little brother inquired.’
“Why, Sam Hi, of course, Lehi’s son,” the small chap replied.
Seeing the Light
Kindly Lady: “What kind of puppies are those, sonny?”
Small Boy: “They are Gentile puppies.”
Kindly Lady: “Well, that’s fine.”
Same Kindly Lady (a few days later): “Well, sonny, how are the Gentile puppies today?
Small Boy: “Oh, they are Mormon puppies now.”
Kindly Lady: “I thought they were Gentile puppies. Why the change?”
Small Boy: “Oh, they have their eyes open now.”
“A Modern Interpretation”
Last week as I dished out some cracked wheat mush for my nine-year-old son, I quoted: “Nevertheless, wheat for man …” to which he instantly added: “And diet for ladies.”
A Step in the Right Direction
The good bishop was a little rusty on his mathematics but his sincerity was undiminished. “Brethren and sisters,” he said, “you must try with all your might to pay a tenth of your income to the Lord. The Lord so requires of His children, but – “ and he hesitated, “if you are weak in the faith and cannot pay a tenth, then by all means try to pay a fifth.”