Enjoy the humor of the Improvement Era of 1947 –
“You take another mouthful like that,” said the stern father, “and you’ll leave the table.”
“Another mouthful like that, Dad, and I’ll be through, anyway.”
“You’ve been a pretty sick man, and you’re not very strong yet. Try to be careful.”
“All right – and you remember that, too, doctor, when you send your bill.”
The Wrong Approach
“The thing for you to do, young man, is to forget all your troubles and bury yourself in your work.”
“Gosh – and me a well-digger.”
Cart Before the Horse
“Won’t you drop my coat off in town when you go?”
“Sure – where do you want me to drop it?”
“I’ll tell you when we get there– I’ll be inside it.”
The High Cost
“I’ve put a fortune into my daughter’s face!”
“Plastic surgeons’ bills mount up?”
“No. It’s her appetite that keeps me broke.”
Actually, women keep secrets as well as men – it just takes more of them.
Nature couldn’t make us perfect, so she did the next best thing – blinded us to our own faults.
He Didn’t Give Two Toots
The young man entered a jewelry store to buy an engagement ring.
He picked up a sparkling diamond and asked its price.
“That one is one hundred dollars,” the jeweler replied.
The young man whistled in surprise. he pointed to another ring and asked: “How about that one?”
“That one, sir,” said the jeweler, “is two whistles!”
“Do you know why I refused you?” said the girl to the man that had just asked her to marry him.
“I can’t think.”
‘That’s right,” she said sweetly.
An economist can be defined many ways:
Someone who has a plan to do something with someone else’s money.
A man who tells you what to do with your money after you have done something else with it.
A man who can save money by cutting down on some other person’s expenses.
It Always Broadens Something
“They tell me Jones has traveled extensively. Has it broadened his point of view?”
“Can’t say that it has – but it’s sure lengthened his conversation.”
A little boy had become accustomed to sleeping with the light on. One night his parents decided that he was big enough to sleep in the dark. He was put to bed, and the lights were turned out.
“Do I have to sleep in the dark?” he asked.
“Well,” said the little fellow after a moment’s silence, “may I get up and say my prayers again – this time more carefully?”
“Now, Mr. O’Brien, why can’t you settle this case out of court?” the judge asked.
“That’s just what me and McManis were doing, your honor, and then the police intervened.”
“How’s your daughter getting along in learning to drive your car?”
“A little better, thank you – the road is beginning to turn where she does.”
There’s some hope for a person who can listen to a sermon on repentance without thinking of his neighbors’ activities at every illustration.
The Housing Problem
“Didn’t I see you and your wife in that new sidewalk café last night?”
“That was no café – that was our furniture.”
Pound of Iron – Pound of Feathers
“What makes you so heavy, Jim?”
“Well, Pop says that I’ve got an iron constitution.”
“She’s a perfect photograph of her father.”
“Yes, and an excellent phonograph of her mother.”
A Gauge of Something or Other
“Is Jane pretty?”
“She always manages to get a seat on the bus.”
“What kind of person lives the longest?”
“I believe it’s a rich relative.”
Plus and Minus
“Do you know any reliable rule for estimating the cost of living?”
“One that never fails is take your income, and add ten percent.”
Once a Day
“This is the sixth time this week that I’ve punished you. Now, what have you to say for yourself?”
“Dad, you don’t know how glad I am that today is Friday.”
“Is that hair tonic any good?”
“Well, last week I spilled some of it on my comb, and it’s a brush now.”
“Don’t you think a man has more sense after he’s married?”
“Oh, definitely, but it doesn’t do him any good, then.”