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Funny Bones, 1909 (2nd set)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - September 12, 2009

Agreeable to Him

The chief officer of a United States Army recruiting station sat sunning himself in his chair, when a husky, country-appearing youth strolled into the quarters and stood gazing in admiration at the glittering sabers, belts and muskets which adorned the room.

“Well, sir?” spoke up the officer.

“I’d like to join the Army, sir,” said the young man, turning toward the speaker.

“Think you’d like army life, my boy?” queried the officer, in a fatherly tone, after a favorable glance over the youthful aspirant’s figure.

“I guess so. How much do you pay in the army?”

“Well, a private gets on an average $14 a month; a lieutenant $100, a captain $200, and so on!”

“I’ll join,” decided the applicant, throwing his cap on the officer’s desk. “Put me down for a captain!”

 

His Word for It

Newly Elected Congressman: Well, I don’t care if folks do accuse me of having a big head.

Mrs. Winters: No, I wouldn’t let that worry you, Mr. Muffins. You see, there may be nothing in it.

Newly Elected Congressman, with finality: There isn’t!

A Friendly Freak

A certain gentleman, on revisiting the village where his boyhood had been spent, was grieved to see so few persons whom he knew. At length, however, he found an old friend who recognized him.

“Well,” the visitor said, after the first greetings were over, “it does me good to find one familiar face to shake hands with!”

Beginning Again

Deacon W., of D—, is growing old wisely. He is now only eighty-four and goes to New York daily. He complained recently to a friend that Mrs. W. was afraid she was getting rheumatism.

“Oh, no,” replied his friend, reassuringly, “it is probably only growing pains.”

The deacon did not smile. “No,” he said gravely, “it can’t be that, unless,” he added with a twinkle – “unless she is getting into her second childhood.”

Pleasantries

The cheaper the shoes the louder the squeak.

The wife of a henpecked husband is usually set in her ways.

Neither a boil nor a cabbage amounts to anything unless it comes to a head.

If young Spendthrift would settle down he might soon be able to settle up.

There are no stripes on a flagstone, but if one falls on it hard enough he will be likely to see stars.

Some of the neckwear worn by fashionable young men is so loud that you can hear it in the next block.

.

“I’m glad to see they’re finally muzzling the humans.”

.

The End

A simple worm went out to play
Upon an April morning;
An early robin chanced that way
Without a chirp of warning;
And that is the end of the story.

His Life Was

Mr. Snapp – “Life is full of contradictions.”

Mrs. Snapp – “And I say it isn’t.”

A Task

The school-girl with the large feet was sitting with them stretched far out into the aisle, and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her.

“Mary!” called the teacher, sharply.

“Yes, ma’am?” questioned the pupil.

“Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in.”

Cruel

Percy – “Do you think your father would object to my marrying you?”

Pearl – “I couldn’t say. If he’s anything like me, he would.”

The Rub

“He says his motto is ‘Live and Learn.’”

“Well, if he isn’t more successful at the former than the latter we’ll be going to his funeral soon.”

His Duty

The Lady – “Look here; you said that if I’d give you your dinner you’d mow the lawn for me.”

The Hobo – “I’d like to do it, ma’am, but I gotter teach yer a lesson. Never trust th’ word of a total stranger.”

Chicken Homiletic

A country minister in the course of his dining out on the circuit came to a house where a roast chicken was served for dinner. He had previously encountered a series of corned beef dinners and the chicken looked good to him.

“Well,” he facetiously remarked, “here’s where that chicken enters the ministry.”

“Hope it does better there than in lay work,” rejoined the small boy of the family.

No Wonder

“How did Blinkin become insane?”

“He slept three months under a crazy quilt.”

The Hard Part

It’s hard to live within one’s salary, but there’s one consolation – it’s harder to live without it.

Then “Beat It”

“I don’t understand how one can learn boxing by correspondence as this advertisement states. How can one get any practice?”

“Oh, you get your practice licking stamps.”

Logical Reason

Jinks – Have you selected a trade or profession for your boy?”

Winks – “I shall make a plumber of him.”

Jinks – “Has he a bent that way?”

Wins – “He’s born for it. Tell him to do a thing immediately, and he won’t think of it again for a week.”

For a Distant Harvest

A Kentucky girl whose father was an undertaker was sent to a fashionable New York boarding-house for finishing term. One day one of the girls asked her what business her father was in, and, fearing she would lose caste if she told the truth, she carelessly answered, “Oh, my father’s a Southern planter.”

A Progressive Movement

A member of the County Council of a small German settlement in Nova Scotia had returned from visiting a neighboring town. He was much impressed by the comfort and luxury of their council chamber and, at the first meeting of the local board, dilated upon the contrast between their own uncomfortable quarters and the signs of affluence among their neighbors. Besides other improvements he suggested the purchase of several cuspidors, which he considered a useful institution, particularly in the winter season.

Hans Kirche, who had been slumbering near the roaring box-stove, was nudged into semi-wakefulness and asked, in a hoarse whisper, “What do ye think, Hans?”

With an assumption of keen interest he jumped to his feet, spat upon the floor and droned out, ”Ja wohl! I tink dot iss a very goot idee, and I takes pleasure in nominating Jake Schmidt und Eitel Langberg as cuspidors for de ensuing year.”



2 Comments »

  1. I guess I’m a bit slow on this one . . . I had to look up “cuspidors,” but I’m still not sure why Hans thought he needed to nominate people to be spittoons. Did he think it was “counselors”? “Customers”?

    Comment by Michelle Glauser — September 12, 2009 @ 1:37 pm

  2. I’m beginning to see why this column was eventually discontinued. Most of these are “groaners”. Still, there are a few good ones. The Catcher’s Muzzle, “Cruel” and “Chicken Homiletic” were my three favorites ….but I still have no idea what a homiletic is.

    Comment by Clark — September 13, 2009 @ 5:17 pm

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