We’ve already had a “Funny Bones” from this year, but that post didn’t exhaust the, uh, genius of the jokesters of 1938:
Safe for Democracy
“Halt!” cried the young rookie on his first sentry-go. The major halted.
“Halt!” the rookie cried again.
“I’ve halted,” snapped the major. “What of it?”
“Well,” faltered the rookie, “in the manual, it says, ‘Say halt three times, then shoot’!”
He Believes in Signs
She – “What would you do if I should cry?”
He – “Hang out a sign, ‘Wet Paint.’”
Sunday Morning Customer – Give me change for a dime, please.
Druggist – Sure, and I hope you enjoy the sermon.
June Visitor – I hear you lost your commencement privileges for calling the dean a fish.
Freshman – I lost my privileges, all right, but I didn’t call him a fish. I merely pointed him out to someone and said: “That’s our dean.”
Sunday School Erudition
Teacher: “Now, we all know about Noah’s Ark. Do you know of any other ark?”
Tommy: “Yes, miss, the one the ’erald hangels sing.”
The Modern Way
Father: “Has that young man who is paying you attention mentioned his income?”
Daughter: “No, papa, but he inquired about yours.”
A man was hired as an extra in a picture studio and was told to go into a cage with a lion.
“No, sir!” he objected. “I ain’t goin’ in no cage with no lion, nohow.”
“But,” said the assistant director, “that lion’s a pet. He was raised on a bottle.”
“Yes, sir, I know. I was raised on a bottle, too. But I still eat meat.”
Our Culture Not Bad
Egyptian: “You have no wonderful hieroglyphics in America, no mysterious inscriptions, no undecipherable relics of an ancient literature whose secrets the wise men have tried in vain to discover.”
American tourist (humbly): “No, we haven’t any of those things, I admit. But” (brightening up), “we have our railway time-tables and doctors’ prescriptions.”
Judge: “Do you challenge any of the jury?”
Defendant: “Well, I think I can lick that little guy on the end.”
“I am afraid, doctor,” said a woman to her physician, “that my husband has some terrible mental affliction. Sometimes I talk to him for hours and then discover that he literally hasn’t heard a word I said.”
“That isn’t an affliction,” was the reply; “that’s a divine gift.”
Waiting in Vain
One evening after five-year-old Bobby had been put to bed, there came sounds of wailing from his room, and Mary, the maid, was sent to soothe him.
Soon the crying broke out again with renewed vigor, and father went upstairs. “What’s all this noise about, you young rascal?”
“Well, Mary said if I kept on crying a great big mouse with big green eyes would come and sit on the end of my bed. I’ve kept on, but it hasn’t come yet!”
Straws in the Windpipe
Wifie: “What’s the idea of poking the broom in the baby’s face this morning?”
Hubby: “I just wanted to get him used to kissing his grandfather.”
Bill Brawnley, the strong man of the village, met another villager in the local saloon. During their conversation Bill called the other a liar.
The villager naturally resented this remark. “Look here, Brawnley,” he said, “I’ll give you just five minutes to take that back.”
Bill smiled. “Is that so?” he replied, expanding his chest impressively. “And suppose I don’t take it back in five minutes?”
“Then,” said the other, after a slight pause, “I’ll extend the time.”
Not Worth It
A fellow took a very dilapidated car to a garage for a repair.
“How much did you pay for this bus?” asked the mechanic.
“As a matter of fact,” replied the owner, “a friend gave it to me for nothing.”
The garage man shook his head. “You’ve been swindled,” he said.
Spent a Week There One Day
“Haven’t I seen you somewhere some time?”
“Quite likely. I’ve been there.”
Just for a Treat
Some time ago a young Irish farmer in the County of Kilkenny was very much in love. He wanted to marry the girl, but being a shy lad he could not for the life of him ask her outright to marry him. So after taking much earnest, shrewd thought on the problem, he asked her in a whisper one evening:
“Julia, how would you like to be buried with my people?”
“Sweetheart, if I’d known that tunnel was so long, I’d have given you a kiss.”
“Gracious! Wasn’t that you?”
* The joke was funny enough that I wanted to include it, but in the interest of the historical record, be aware that the dialogue was racially offensive and has been rewritten.