A Dublin doctor lately sent in a bill to a lady which ran thus: “To curing your husband till he died.”
It was a Western youngster who, having been presented by his uncle with a new suit of clothes, became for the first time in his life interested in his personal appearance, and insisted upon having a collar put on and having his hair combed. Taking the comb to the uncle that gave him the clothes, he requested him to comb his hair. “Well,” said the uncle, “which side shall I part it on?” The youngster’s ideas on the subject of hair-dressing were quite vague, but he was equal to the emergency. “Well, on the outside, I guess,” said he.
Willis: Did the doctor do anything to hasten your recovery?
Wallace: Oh, yes; he told me he was going to charge me five dollars a visit.
A minister annoyed by tobacco chewing thus spoke to his congregation:
“Take your quid of tobacco out of your mouth on entering the house of God, and gently lay it on the outer edge of the sidewalk or on the fence. It will positively be there when you go out, for a rat won’t take it, a cat won’t take it, a dog won’t take it, neither will a hog; you are certain of your quid when you go after it. not the filthiest vermin on earth would touch it.”
Brightest idea of the Century – the electric light.
The grocer and the baker may not be singers, but the former knows his scales and the latter can always strike dough.
“Papa, I guess there isn’t any plumbers in heaven,” said a six-year-old youngster one rainy day.
“Why not, my son?”
“Because the sky seems to leak so easy.”
Jeannette – Does Miss Boardman get her lovely complexion from her father, or her mother?
Gladys (sweetly) – From her father. He’s in the drug business.
A man with a donkey for sale, hearing that a friend wanted to buy one, sent him the following, written on a postal card: “Dear D— If you are looking for an A-1 donkey, don’t forget me.”
Little David, when told that God had sent a new baby to their house, said, “I don’t see why He wants to crowd us so; many houses got none at all, and now this one makes five at ours.”
The young man with a slender salary should choose for his bride a young woman of small waste.
It is a test of politeness for a man to listen with interest to things he knows all about, when they are told by a person who knows nothing about them.
There is more power in a soft answer than there is in a ton of gunpowder.
Reporter – “I have been assigned to interview a number of noted men on the subject of books which have most influenced them.”
Author – “I understand.”
“What book has been to you the greatest stimulus to mental activity?”
“An empty pocket-book.”
She – What superb teeth she has!
He – Yes, but they are false.
She – Why do you think so?
He – She told my sister she inherited them from her mother.
Little Dick – School teachers hasn’t any feelings at all.
Mamma – What is the matter now?
Little Dick – Teacher borrowed my new knife to sharpen her pencil, and then gave me a demerit.
She (to cousin George, who has just returned from the tropics): “O, George, dear, how kind of you to bring me this dear little monkey! how thoughtful you are! But – but – it’s just like you!”
Teacher (pointing to letter X) – What’s that letter, Jonas?
Jonas (bashfully) – I don’t know, sir.
Teacher – Oh, yes. think a minute.
Jonas (brightening) – Oh, yes, sir. That’s daddy’s name.
“I’m in a hurry,” said a Bloomer farmer, rushing into one of our hardware stores yesterday. “Just got time to catch the train. Give me a corn-popper, quick!”
“All right, sir,” replied the clerk. “Do you want a large pop-corner?”
“No, just a medium-sized – an ordinary porn-copper.”
“How will this copporner do?”
“Is that a pon-corper?”
“Yes. But you are getting a little rattled. You mean a corn-porper – no, a porn-copper – no, a –”
“I mean a con-porper.”
“Oh, yes, a pon-copper.”
“Yes, be quick! Give me a pop-cooner, and be quick.”
“All right. Here’s your pun-cooper.”
First Boy – What did yer mother do to yer fer goin’ skatin’ on thin ice an’ gettin’ in?
Second Boy – She boxed me ears.
“Did it hurt?”
“Nope. She was so mad she didn’t wait fer me to get my ear muffs off.”
The Rev. Mr. H— was a good man, but very fond of chewing tobacco.
One day he was caught in a shower in Illinois, and going to a cabin near by, knocked at the door. A sharp-looking old lady answered his summons. He asked for shelter.
“I don’t know you,” she replied, suspiciously.
“Remember the scriptures,” said the dominie, “‘Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.’”
“Angels don’t come round with cuds of tobacco in their mouths,” she replied, and slammed the door in his face.
Billy – “So you have returned from your bridal tour. What did you see on your trip that pleased you most?”
John – “My wife.”