More mirth and mockery from the Mormon magazines of 1894 —
Prisoner at the bar, to magistrate: “Your worship, would you mind hurrying up my case a little? It’s almost twelve o’clock, and if I’ve got to go to jail, I’d like to get there in time for dinner.”
It was that most cruel and distressing occasion – an examination. The examiner was the principal, a rather severe looking gentleman, who concealed his heart most successfully. “If,” he began, in a very serious tone, “your mother gave you fifty cents and sent you to the store to buy six pounds of codfish at eight cents per pound, how much change would you take home?”
The small boy to whom this question was put responded at once, “Not any.”
“Not any? Would the codfish cost fifty cents?”
“No, sir: forty-eight.”
“Would there not be some change?”
“Yes, sir; two cents. But I would buy candy. I would not take any home.”
“Harry,” said a teacher to a little boy in Texas. “If one loaf of bread cost ten cents, would not three loaves cost thirty cents?”
“Perhaps at your baker’s; our baker gives three for a quarter.”
There are men who count on getting to heaven because they sometimes give away an old coat.
A gentleman who has been doctor, clergyman and lawyer, declares as a result of his experience that men in general will spend more money to fight each other in lawsuits than they will to save either their bodies or their souls.
If the power to do hard work is not a talent, it is the best possible substitute for it.
The man who sits down to wait for something to turn up will need a cushion on his seat.
Poverty is in want of much, but avarice of everything.
She: “Did you succeed in mastering French while abroad?”
He: “Nearly. I did not succeed in making the Frenchmen comprehend me, nor could I make out what they were driving at, but I got so that I could understand myself when I talked French.”
“What is your last name?” inquired a teacher of a new scholar. “Peter, ma’am,” replied the small boy.
“Peter!” echoed the teacher. “What is your other name?”
“Fairbanks,” responded the boy.
“Then Fairbanks is your last name, of course,” said the teacher, eyeing the round-eyed, vacant-faced Peter with considerable severity.
“No’m,” replied the child respectfully. “My name was Fairbanks when I was born, but mother says they didn’t name me ‘Peter’ for ’most six months.”
The man who said, “All’s fair in love and war,” is undoubtedly the man who got the best of it in both cases.
A little girl was trying to tell her mother how beautifully a certain lady could trill in singing, and said: –
“Oh, mamma! you ought to hear her gargle. She does it so sweetly.”
A little boy was being shown the engraving of a human skeleton by his father. After studying it for some minutes in silence, he looked up into his father’s face inquiringly, and said:
“Papa, how did this man manage to keep in his dinner?”
A kiss is like a bath
That you take from the river –
You can take and take and take
And take ’em on forever,
And still there’s just as many
As if you hadn’t never
As no roads are so rough as those that have been mended, so no sinners are so intolerant as those that have just turned saints.
A Chip Off the Old Block
Butcher: “You little scamp, breaking your new rocking horse! What are you going to do with it?”
Young Hopeful: “Make sausages!”
Though a man may have a rasping voice
That like a scythe will mow you,
It’s sweeter than sweet music when
He says: “Here’s what I owe you.”
Customer: “What’s the charge?”
“Twopence? Why, I thought you only charged one penny for a shave?”
“Yes, sir; but, you see, you have a double chin.”
It was midnight, and an impassioned lover knelt at the feet of his heart’s choice, and exclaimed –
“Gerty, I will do anything in this world to make you happy.”
“Do you mean it, George?”
“I do, I do, darling,”
“Then, for goodness’ sake, go home and let me go to bed.”