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Funny Bones, 1950

By: Ardis E. Parshall - July 18, 2009

Some corny jokes from the church magazines of 1950 —

A juke box company put its new employee to work as collector of coins from the company’s juke boxes in the local jive spots. For two weeks after he got the job, he failed to show up at the office. then one day he walked in nonchalantly and said he had lost his key to the boxes.

“Where have you been?” stormed the manager. “You haven’t even been around to collect your salary.”

“What!” exclaimed the amazed neophyte. “Do I get a salary too?”

The doctor tiptoed from the patient’s room and joined the anxious husband. “I don’t like the way your poor wife looks,” he muttered.

“Frankly, Doc,” said the husband, “I never cared much for her looks either. But she’s a wonderful housekeeper.”

A new clerk was always late and always had a different excuse. Arriving an hour late one morning, he was greeted by the boss with: “Well, Brown, what’s your story this time?”

“Well, sir,” was the reply, “my daughters were afraid of the storm last night and turned the mirror on the mantlepiece around to the wall. When I came downstairs this morning I couldn’t see myself in the looking glass, and, naturally, I thought I’d gone to work!”

“You win!” gasped the manager.

A young lady once found a boy friend standing in front of a mirror admiring himself with evident satisfaction.

“Jack,” she said, “you must be the happiest man in the world.”

“How so?” asked the bewildered Jack.

“Because you are in love with yourself and you haven’t a rival in the whole world.”

Customer: “I want a lamb cutlet, and make it lean.”

Tired butcher: “Lean which way, sir?”

Mother was lecturing her small son about his conduct. “Never do anything you would be ashamed to have the whole world watch you do.”

“Whoopee!” shouted the boy. “No more baths for me. I sure wouldn’t want the whole world to watch me take a bath!”

On a little service station away out on the edge of a western desert there hangs a shingle bearing this strange legend: “Don’t ask us for information. If we knew anything we wouldn’t be here.”

Everyone can give pleasure in some way. One person may do it by coming into a room, and another by going out.

Men are the only people on earth who think they have more sense than women.

Money doesn’t talk these days – it goes without saying.

Two men had just left a theatre. Judging from their expressions, the picture must have been a poor one.

“It certainly is wonderful how the movies have progressed,” said the first.

“How do you mean?” asked the second.

“Well, first there were silent pictures, then came the talkies, and now this one smells!”

“Yes,” said Hubby, “this is a woman’s world, all right! When a man is born, it’s ‘How’s the mother?’ When a man is married, it’s ‘What a lovely bride!’ and when a man dies, it’s ‘How much did he leave her?’”

Customer: Have you anything for gray hair?

Druggist: Nothing, Madam, but the greatest respect.

A little old lady entered the post office with a package containing a Bible. The postal attendant looked over the tightly wrapped parcel, shook it, and asked, “Is there anything breakable in this?”

“Nothing but the Ten Commandments,” was the courteous reply.

A woman who fasted for sixty-two days,
To prove that the stunt could be done,
From hundreds of Scotsmen had letters of praise,
And proposals from seventy-one.

Two elderly American ladies were journeying across Canada for the first time. In the West, the train stopped in a large station, and the ladies got out for a walk. Meeting a man on the platform, one asked, “What place is this?”

The man said, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.”

One of the ladies, thrilled, turned to her companion and whispered, “They don’t speak English here.”

For a long while the boy had been sitting on the bank of a stream. A man came along and, filled with curiosity, questioned the boy. “How many have you caught?”

“Well,” answered the boy without turning around, “if I catch the one I’m after now, then two more besides that, I’ll have three.”

“Faith,” declared Mike, “’tis an unthankful country this is, now. Here we Irish have done so much for the United States and b’jabers they’ve named only one state after an Irishman!”

His friend, Pat, raised his eyebrows, “I didn’t know there was such a state, Mike!”

“Sure, and have ye never heard o’ that western state, O’Regon?”

The aviation instructor, having delivered a lecture on parachute work, concluded with these words: “And if it doesn’t open – well, gentlemen, that’s what is known as ‘jumping to a conclusion.’”

Chemistry prof, to his class: “If this chemical were to explode, I’d be blown through the roof. Now gather round close so that you can follow me.”

The most disillusioned girls are often those who married because they were tired of working.

Brown was walking down the street when he saw Robinson busy cleaning the windows.

“I’d never think of doing a job like that,” he said, aghast.

“Neither would I,” said Robinson mournfully. “It was the wife who thought of it.”

The only time a pedestrian ever has the right of way is when he is en route to the hospital in an ambulance.

“So Jack’s on a motor tour. Has he written to you yet?”

“Yes, twice. Once from a police station and once from a hospital.”

Jones wrote an article for a prominent educational publication saying that the schools of his state were not perfect but that he felt that the teachers, supervisors, and officials deserved to be commended on their efficient management under difficult financial circumstances. When the magazine came out, his picture was prominently displayed at the top of the page carrying his story, and under it was the caption of his article.

His young daughter picked the paper up and glanced through the article. She looked long and thoughtfully at the picture and then told him: “This is certainly a great compliment for Mother.”

“How is that?” asked the surprised father.

“Well, it reads under your photo, ‘Not perfect, but well-managed.’”



5 Comments »

  1. Joke #2 – Ouch.

    Is turning a mirror to the wall during a thunderstorm like our modern equivalent of unplugging the computer?

    Comment by jeans — July 18, 2009 @ 9:25 am

  2. As always, the Scottish and Irish jokes wound me deeply.

    (Not really. Things have been looking up for Irishmen in this country since the inauguration of our newest president, Mr. O’Bama. The Scots can’t say the same, though, since their candidate lost the election.)

    Comment by Researcher — July 18, 2009 @ 10:28 am

  3. Researcher: I sympathize with the double ethnic stereotypes. I’m 50% Jewish, from my father’s side, and 50% Scottish, from my mother’s side. That makes me 100% cheap.

    Comment by Bookslinger — July 18, 2009 @ 8:40 pm

  4. My favorites this time are the jukebox collector and the poor man who couldn’t see himself in the mirror so he thought he had gone to work.

    Comment by Maurine — July 18, 2009 @ 11:06 pm

  5. Really, Bookslinger. I’m Jewish on my mother’s side and Scottish on my father’s side. Really, no joke. I have the tartan yarmulke to prove it.

    Comment by Floyd the Wonderdog — July 19, 2009 @ 5:48 am

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