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Funny Bones, 1895

By: Ardis E. Parshall - June 27, 2009

A Money-Lender

He serves you in the present tense; lends you in the conditional mood; keeps you in the subjunctive; and ruins you in the future.

—oooOooo—

Mother: “To think that my little Ethel should have spoken so impertinently to papa today at dinner! She never hears me talk in that way to him.”

Ethel (stoutly): “Well, but you choosed him and I didn’t.”

—oooOooo—

“I don’t like grandma at all,” said Fred,
“I don’t like grandma at all,”
And he drew his face in a queer grimace –
The tears were ready to fall;
And he gave his kitten a loving hug,
And disturbed her nap on the soft, warm rug.

“Why, what has your grandma done?” I asked,
“To trouble the little boy?
O, what has she done, the cruel one,
To scatter the smiles of joy?”
Through quivering lips the answer came,
“She – called – my – kitty – a – horrid – name.”

“She did? are you sure?” and I kissed the tears
Away from the eyelids wet.
“I can scarce believe that grandma would grieve
The feelings of either pet.
What did she say?” “Boo-hoo!” cried Fred,
“She – called – my – kitty – a – quadruped!”

—oooOooo—

Keep your troubles to yourself. When you tell them you are taking up the time of the man who is waiting to tell his.

—oooOooo—

Alexander Dumas was dining one day at the house of a banker, in company with General T. At dessert the conversation turned on the existence of God. “I, for my part,” said the General, “cannot imagine the existence of such a mysterious entity as the supreme Being.”

“General,” replied Dumas, “I keep at home two hounds, a couple of monkeys, and a parrot, which are exactly of your opinion.”

—oooOooo—

Many a man who is anxious to reform the world has a gate that is hanging by one hinge.

—oooOooo—

Men are made rich, not by what the world can give, but by what it can’t take away.

—oooOooo—

A gentleman riding with an Irishman came within sight of an old gallows, and to display his wit said: “Pat, do you see that?”

“To be sure Oi do,” replied Pat.

“And where would you be today if the gallows had its due?”

“Oi’d be riding alone,” replied Pat.

—oooOooo—

Man wants somebody to answer his questions and nobody to question his answers.

—oooOooo—

Grandma Gruff said a curious thing,
“Boys may whistle, but girls must sing.”
That’s the very thing I heard her say
To Kate, no longer than yesterday.

“Boys may whistle.” Of course they may,
If they pucker their lips the proper way;
But for the life of me I can’t see
Why Kate can’t whistle as well as me.

“Boys may whistle, but girls must sing”;
Now I call that a curious thing.
If boys can whistle, why can’t girls, too?
It’s the easiest thing in the world to do.

So if the boys can whistle and do it well,
Why cannot girls – will somebody tell?
Why can’t they do what a boy can do?
That is the thing I should like to know.

I went to father and asked him why
Girls couldn’t whistle as well as I,
And he said “The reason that girls must sing
Is because a girl’s a singular thing.”

And grandma laughed till I knew she’d ache
When I said I thought it all a mistake.
“Never mind, little man,” I heard her say,
“They will make you whistle enough some day.”

—oooOooo—

Those nervous folks who are annoyed by everything that approaches them, annoy everybody they approach,.

—oooOooo—

A foolish girl can make a lover a husband, but it takes a bright woman to keep a husband a lover.

—oooOooo—

“What is home where love is not?” asks a young poet. It’s a mighty interesting place – to the neighbors.

—oooOooo—

“Riches take unto themselves wings and fly away,” said the teacher. “What kind of riches is meant?”

And the smart boy at the foot of the class said: “They must be ost-riches.”

—oooOooo—

“Say, mamma, how much am I worth?”

“You are worth a million dollars to me, my son.”

“Then couldn’t you advance me twenty-five cents?”

—oooOooo—

It is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles: the less they have in them the more noise they make in pouring it out.

—oooOooo—

Why do ducks go below the water? For divers reasons.

Why do they come up? For sun-dry reasons.

Why do they go down again? To liquidate their little bills.

Why do they bob up serenely? To make a run on the banks.

—oooOooo—

S.S. Teacher: “Jennie, do you know what a miracle is?”

Jennie: “Yes’m, ma says if you don’t marry our new minister it will be a miracle.”



6 Comments »

  1. I love the cat one. My kitty is a quadruped, too! ;-)

    Comment by Keri Brooks — June 27, 2009 @ 6:27 am

  2. Ohh, Keri, what a terrible thing to say! I- I- I think I’m going to cry!

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — June 27, 2009 @ 6:37 am

  3. I love the duck puns. =) “for divers reasons” yuck yuck yuck

    I’m glad nobody every told me that girls mustn’t whistle. Sheesh.

    Comment by Tatiana — June 27, 2009 @ 1:19 pm

  4. Have you heard the related proscription against girls chewing gum?

    The gum-chewing girl
    And the cud-chewing cow
    Look quite alike,
    But are different, somehow.
    And what is the difference?
    Oh, I see it now!
    It’s the intelligent look
    On the face of the cow.

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — June 27, 2009 @ 1:51 pm

  5. Ardis, rofl! No end to the things girls mustn’t do!

    Comment by Tatiana — June 27, 2009 @ 3:13 pm

  6. LOVE the gum chewing ditty. we weren’t allowed to chew gum at home. when my 87 year old father came to visit last year, i had popped a piece of gum in my mouth to freshen my breath and forgot to spit it out before i got to the airport. on the way home, he asked, ‘are you chewing gum?’ very sheepishly i said, ‘yeeees’. he said, ‘bad girl!’ ;-)

    Comment by ellen — June 27, 2009 @ 10:28 pm

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