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Wit’s Ends – British LDS Humor, 1944 (2nd set)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - June 13, 2009

Here are some more of the jokes appearing in the 1944 Millennial Star at a time when the staff was British, not American:

Too Clever

“When you stepped on that gentleman’s foot, Tommy, I hope you apologised.”

“Oh, yes, indeed I did,” said Tommy, “and he gave me sixpence for being a good boy.”

“Did he? And what did you do then?”

“Stepped on the other and apologised, but it didn’t work.”

He Had His Reasons

After a very good time at the tea table, the children were induced to play at being various animals. The hostess asked each in turn which animal he would like to represent.

“I’ll be a lion,” said one.

“A tiger for me,” said another.

They all made their selection, and it came to the turn of the fat little boy who sat in a corner looking rather sorry for himself.

“And what are you going to be, my little man?” asked the lady.

“P-p-p-lease, ma’am,” said the unhappy one. “I th-th-think I’m going to be s-s-sick!”

The Finishing Touch

“What was the noise in the street?”

“A car wanted to turn into a side-street.”

“And what made all the noise?”

“There was no side-street.”

A Tight Spot

Wife (violently): “Who is that girl who just spoke to you?”

Husband: “Don’t worry, darling. I’ll have enough trouble explaining to her who you are.”

Going, Going, Gone!

Smith bought a business through an agent as a going concern. After six months he met the agent again, and said: “You remember that business you sold me, which you stated was a going concern?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the agent.”

“Well,” said Smith, “it’s gone.”

Safe

A youngster ran into the house the other day and said to grandma, “Can you crack nuts?”

“No,” said Grannie. “I lost my teeth years and years ago.”

“Then you can hold these nuts while I go and find some more,” he cried, as he ran off again.

Trying

Alvin’s aunt thought she would buy him a present, and asked the shopman to suggest something suitable.

“What about a tie, madam?”

“No, he has a beard.”

“A pullover, then?”

“No; it’s a long beard.”

“I see, ma’am,” said the weary salesman. “Do you think a pair of spats would show?”

Value for Money

Two ladies were walking home one Sunday from a church where the rector of a neighbouring parish had preached. One lady criticised the sermon, remarking that it was deplorably weak and not up to the standard expected by a well-educated congregation.

Her little boy, overhearing, and remembering his mother’s contribution to the collection, chimed in with:

“But you can’t expect much for a penny, can you, mother?”

His Answer

“What’s wrong? You seem worried.”

“I am. I wrote two notes – one to my broker, asking him if he took me for a fool, and the other to a lady, asking her if she would marry me. While I was out somebody telephoned “Yes,” and I don’t know which of  ’em it was.”

Waiting for the Bump

A speaker addressing a large assembly of Sunday School children said: “Now, little boys and girls, I want you to be very quiet – so quiet that you can hear a pin drop.”

Silence for a moment, then a small voice from the rear said: “Let her drop.”

He’d Settled It

Tommy was taken on as messenger in place, for the time being, of Jim, who was ill. When young Jim was better and able to return, the employer, having found Tommy very useful and obliging, wanted to keep him but couldn’t quite think how to put Jim off. At last he said:

“Well, if you can come to an arrangement with Tommy, you may stay.”

On returning to his office after lunch, a shock awaited him.

The desk was overturned, the carpet disarranged, and everything breakable was broken, but there stood Jim, complete with black eye, and torn clothing, beaming triumphantly. “O.K. boss, I’ve arranged with Tommy all right.”

Easiest Way Out

Tommy had twice puzzled over the sum his teacher had set him. Teacher, however, was strict, and still would not pass his answer as correct. “Try again,” said he. “You are twopence out.”

“Please, sir,” said Tommy, his hand going into his trousers pocket, “I’d rather pay the difference.”

Fair Enough

Soldier: “First thing I’m going to do after I’m discharged is bust the sergeant in the nose.”

Second ditto: “Oh, yeah! that’s what you think. You’re going to stand in line and take your turn just like the rest of us.”

Prepared to “Stand” It

Little Willie, who had shown no strong religious convictions, suddenly expressed his intention to become a preacher. His delighted mother pressed the lad to determine the source of his recent spiritual enrichment.

“Well,” he replied, “I suppose I’ve got to go to Church all my life anyway, and it’s a good deal harder to sit still than to stand up and holler.”



3 Comments »

  1. Ardis, loved the jokes, as usual.

    Comment by Maurine — June 14, 2009 @ 7:54 pm

  2. OK, the “A tight spot” joke made me laugh out loud and is once again a reminder of how little of this humor would make it into Church publications today. ..bruce..

    Comment by bfwebster — June 16, 2009 @ 10:32 am

  3. Heh, heh, heh …

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — June 16, 2009 @ 10:57 am

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