Roberts: “So you’ve been having an argument with your wife. What over?”
Robbins: “It isn’t over!”
“Do you believe in the survival of the fittest?”
“I don’t believe in the survival of anybody. I am an undertaker.”
This Way Out
“Have you an opening for a bright, energetic college graduate?
“Yes, and don’t slam it on your way out.”
Throwing the Bull
Lecturer: “Can anyone give the derivation of the word ‘auditorium’?”
Listener: “Yes – from AUDIO – hear, and TAURUS – bull. A place where you – ”
Lecturer: “That will do.”
Teacher: “What do you understand by the word ‘deficit,’ John?”
John: “It’s what you’ve got when you haven’t as much as you had when you had nothin’.
Parent: “What are you drawing, Jim?”
Young Jim: “Why, a dog.”
“But where’s its tail?”
“Oh, that’s still in the ink-bottle.”
The Retort Courteous
Two motorists met in a road too narrow to permit them to pass each other. One of them rose in his car and shouted at the other – “I never back for any fool.”
The other driver quietly put his car in reverse, backed out, and replied: “That’s all right. I always do.”
Father: “Well, I guess we will go to the country this year, instead of the usual seaside.”
Son: “No, no. I don’t want to go to the country. No country for me.”
Father: “Why not, son?”
Son: “’Cause I hear they have thrashing machines down there, and it’s bad enough when it’s done by hand.”
A Vile Slander
“Daddy, why is that man running up and down the smoking car with his mouth open?”
“My son, he’s a Scotsman getting a free smoke.”
So Would We
The prospective buyer entered the garage.
“I would like to see a first-class second-hand car,” he said to the proprietor.
The proprietor smiled.
“So would I, brother,” said he.
“Hi, there,” bellowed a policeman to an inebriated citizen,”you can’t stand there in the street.”
“Yes, I can, orfsher,” retorted the citizen proudly. “Don’t you worry ’bout me. I been standing here an hour and ain’t fell off yet.”
It Is to Laugh
“Have you seen Lohengrin?”
“No, but I’ve heard Minnehaha.”
Jane: “I want some insect powder.”
Clerk: “Do you want to take it with you?”
Jane: “Of course not. I’ll send the bugs to you and you can give it to them.”
“Who’s the stranger, mother dear?
Look, he knows me, ain’t he queer!”
“Hush, my own, don’t talk so wild;
He’s your father, dearest child.”
“He’s my father? No such thing!
Father died away last spring.”
“Father didn’t die you dub;
Father joined the golfing club.
But they closed the club, so he
Has no place to go, you see;
No place left for him to roam –
That is why he’s coming home.
Kiss him – he won’t bite you, child;
All them golfing guys look wild.”
Not to Be Outdone
Bob left the farm and got a job in the city. He wrote a letter to his brother Bill, who elected to stick to the farm. In this letter he told of the joys of city life: “Thursday we autoed out to the Country Club, where we golfed until dark. Then we motored to the beach for the weekend.”
The brother on the farm wrote back: “Yesterday we buggied to town and baseballed all the afternoon. Today we muled out to the cornfield and gee-hawed until sundown. After that we suppered. After that we stair-cased up to our room and bed-steaded until the clock fived.”
In the Short Circuit Court
A chap was arrested for assault and battery and brought before the judge.
Judge: “What is your name, your occupation and what are you charged with?”
Prisoner: “My name is Sparke, I am an electrician, and I am charged with battery.”
Judge: “Officer, put this guy in a dry cell.”
Here’s My Foot
Gallant Guest, to hostess as they walk to the table: “And may I sit on your right hand?”
Hostess: “No, I’ll have to eat with that. You’d better take a chair.”
Hated to Change His Opinion *
First Man: “Here’s that quarter I borrowed from you last year.”
Second Man: “You kept it so long that I don’t know if it’s worth while for me to change my opinion of you just for two bits.”
“Mother goes to the Methodist church,” said a little girl to the new neighbor.
“And isn’t you father of the same denomination, dear?”
“I don’t know zactly what daddy is; he don’t go to church with mother. Uncle Robert said daddy must be a Seven Day Absentist.”
* A joke funny enough that I wanted to include it, but the racially offensive dialog has been rewritten.