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Funny Bones, 1907 (2nd set)

By: Ardis E. Parshall - May 30, 2009

Spicy

It made the young recruit hot.
No wonder he was flustered,
The foeman peppered him with shot,
Right after he was mustered.

Retribution

Jones – “That young man who plays the cornet is ill.”

Green – “Do you think he will recover?”

Jones – “I am afraid not. The doctor who is attending him lives next door.”

Musicale

Little Willie – “O Mr. Henpeckke, won’t you play something on the violin.”

Mr. Henpeckke – ‘Why, really, I would if I knew how.”

Little Willie – “Oh, I guess you know how. My pop says you play second fiddle to Mrs. Henpeckke.”

Women’s Work

Little Edna – “What is ‘leisure,’ mama?”

Mama – “It’s the spare time a woman has in which she can do some other kind of work, my dear.”

A Dream

Wishing to learn what his nephew would say, Uncle Charles asked little Fred, “What would you do if you stood at the root of a tree with your foot on the head of a live rattlesnake, a tiger was crouching on a branch above ready to spring, and you saw a wild Indian running at you with uplifted tomahawk?”

“I should wake right up,” was the unexpected reply.

All Relative

My wife and I at the window, one day,
Stood watching the organ man’s monkey,
When a cart came along in which a boy
Sat driving a long-eared donkey.
Said I to my wife by way of a joke:
“There’s your relative in that carriage.”
She glanced at the donkey and made reply:
“Ah, yes – we’re related by marriage.”

A Botany Examination

1. Explain the manner of a plant’s breathing. how? Did you ever hear a snore coming from a rose bed?

2. Why cannot a plant’s pistil be called a revolver?

3. Do milkweeds grow in pints or quarts? and how are they related to the cowslip?

4. Explain the difference between common chickweed and chickweed preferred.

5. Give the Latin name for wallflower. How does it differ from the peach? From the American beauty?

6. Describe the bark of the dogwood.

7. What is the apple of the potato’s eye?

8. Is the foot of an oak-tree ever troubled with corns, or just acorns? Why? Did you ever see a footless tree?

9. Does the goldenrod or the American mint spring from the root of all evil? What has that to do with the price of a julep?

10. (This is a catch question. Give a courteous answer.) Give French name for fleur-de-lis.

The Retort Courteous

In a crowded trolley-car,
Lolled a pompous gent.
Standing up in front of him
Maid most innocent.
Growled out the gent,
“You are on my feet.”
Cooed the maid in accents sweet,
“Stand on them yourself,
And we both will ride more comfortably.”

Charge!

Client: Didn’t you make a mistake in going into law instead of the army?

Lawyer: Why?

Client: By the way you charge, there would be little left of the enemy.

Grateful

A Yale professor claims woman was the inventor of the kiss. Let us be thankful she didn’t keep it to herself.

Perfect Accord

“But I am not worthy, darling!” he murmured, as he held the dear girl’s hand in his.

“Oh, George,” she sighed, “if you and papa agreed on every other point as you do on that, how happy we would be!”

Profit

Customer – So you sell these watches at $5 each. It must cost you that to make them.

Jeweler – It does.

Customer – Then how do you make any money?

Jeweler – Repairing them.

Heh!

Urchin: I bet if I wasn’t here the gentleman would kiss you.

Girl: You insolent boy! Go away this very minute.

The Perfumed Lady

The lady used perfume to such an extent,
She once caused a man to exclaim,
“That person who by us so proudly just went
Must be a Colognial Dame!”



2 Comments »

  1. The one about the jeweler selling watches reminds me of one that Dallin H. Oaks told in our stake conference.

    There were two country bumpkins who decided to buy watermelons from the surrounding farms for $1.00 and then truck them into the city and sell them for $1.00. They stayed busy but after a week noticed that they weren’t getting ahead, so they decided to buy a bigger truck.

    He compared this to the way we sometimes do church work. It’s easy to generate a brief flurry of activity that gives the appearance that something is happening. It’s harder to actually make substantive changes.

    Comment by Mark Brown — May 30, 2009 @ 7:10 am

  2. There were some great biological ones here! Thank you, I’ll use them in class!

    Comment by SteveP — May 30, 2009 @ 9:29 am

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