I’m trying to visualize a day in 1925 when the Juvenile Instructor was delivered to the desk of each General Authority. Did Heber J. Grant turn first to the joke page? Did Joseph Fielding Smith?
First Flea – Have you been on a vacation?
Second Flea – No; just on a tramp.
A Sure Thing
Jim: “Ever see one of those machines that can tell when a person is lying?”
John: “Seen one? Lord! I married one.”
A Poor Substitute
Schram the Motorist (having killed the lady’s puppy): “Madam, I will replace the animal.”
Indignant Owner: “Sir, you flatter yourself.”
Not on the Chatauqua
Mike: “Did you ever speak before a large audience, Pat?”
Pat: “Fairly large, I did.”
Mike: “An’ what did you say?”
Pat: “Not guilty.”
In the Nursery
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
For something to quench her thirst;
When she got there, the cupboard was bare;
Her husband had been there first.
“What have you been doing all summer?”
“I had a position in my father’s office. And you?”
“I wasn’t working, either.”
The absent-minded business man, coming home, surprised his wife by kissing her tenderly. She was still puzzling when he mumbled, “Now I want to dictate a couple of letters.”
A certain painter had lost his mind and had to be confined in an asylum. To his visitors he says:
“Look at this; it is my latest masterpiece!”
They look and see nothing but an expanse of bare canvas. They ask, “What does that represent?”
“That? Why, that represents the passage of the Israelites through the Red Sea.”
“Beg pardon, but where is the sea?”
“It has been driven back.”
“And where are the Israelites?”
“They have crossed over.”
“And the Egyptians?”
“They will be here directly. That’s the sort of painting I like – simple and unpretentious.”
The Genus Trampus
The Lady: “Well, I’ll give you a dime – not because I think you deserve it, mind, but because it pleases me.”
The Tramp: “Thank yer, mum. Couldn’t yer make it 50 cents, an’ thoroughly enjoy yerself?”
First Student: “Say, she is the dumbest girl I ever met.”
Second Student: “How come?”
First Student: “Why, she wanted to know how many quarters to a football game.”
Second Student: “That’s nothing. Mine wanted to know if a football coach had wheels.”
A French woman, proud of her limited knowledge of English, and an American woman, proud of her limited knowledge of French, met at a sociable. The French woman insisted on expressing herself in bad English, and the American would talk nothing but bad French. At last they arose to go.
“Reservoir,” said the fair American.
“Tanks,” responded her new friend.
“I’m looking for someone to loan me $10.”
“Well, it’s a nice day for it.”
“Strange,” said the first tramp meditatively, “how few of our youthful dreams ever come true!”
“Oh, I dunno,” said his companion; “I remember I used to dream about wearin’ long pants and now I guess I wear ’em longer than anyone else in the country.”
Doing It Right
“What on earth are you wearing all those coats for?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, “ was the reply, “I’m going to paint my barn, and the directions on the paint-can say, ‘For best results, put on three coats.’”
Not Classy Enough
A very self-satisfied man arrived at the gates of heaven, and asked for admittance. “Where are you from?” asked St. Peter.
“Well, you can come in, but you won’t like it.”
The Threat Indirect
“Aw,” said Willie, “you’re afraid to fight, that’s all it is.”
“No, I am not,” protested Jack; “but, if I fight, my ma will find it out and lick me.”
“How’ll she find it out?”
“She’ll see the doctor goin’ to your house.”
Student in Astronomy: “Has anything ever been discovered on Venus?”
Professor (whose mind has wandered): “No, not if the pictures of her are authentic.”
“I’ve just kicked that young man of yours into the middle of next week!”
“Oh, how careless of you, father. We had arranged to get married on Monday!”
“What you need, my dear young lady,” Dr. Boggs advised, “is a little sun and air.”
“Why, the very idea! I’m not even married!”