A bumper crop of silly jokes from the 1922 Church magazines –
The Open Season
Little Boy: “I saw you kiss Sis, and if you don’t give me ten cents I will tell.”
Young man: “Here’s the dime.”
Little Boy: “Thanks. That makes three dollars I’ve made this season.”
Profits of Production
Two farmers met after church as usual and had this conversation:
“Sold your pig?”
“What’d ye git?”
“What’d it cost to raise it?”
“Paid $3 for the shoat, $5 for the lumber in the pen and house and $5 more for the feed.”
“Didn’t make much, did ye?”
“No, but I had the use of the pig all summer.”
He Got the Idea
“I taught school among my own people in the Tennessee mountains for several years after I graduated from college,” a Southern lecturer says, as reported by a subscriber. “Funny things happened. Hearing a boy say ‘I ain’t gwine thar,’ I said to him, ‘That’s no way to talk. Listen: I am not going there; you are not going there; he is not going there; she is not going there; we are not going there; they are not going there. Do you get the idea?’ ‘Yes-sur, I gits it all right. They ain’t nobody gwine.’”
The following recently appeared in a Chicago newspaper’s advertising columns: “If Wilbur Blank who deserted his wife and babe 20 years ago will return, said babe will knock his block off.”
Good Night Nurse
Podger (to new acquaintance) – I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?
Cooler – I can easily find out by asking her; she is my wife.
Not Stuffed That Way
Harold ran back from the lion in the museum. “Don’t be afraid, dear,” grandmother said; “that lion is stuffed.”
“Yes,” said Harold, “but perhaps he isn’t stuffed so full that he couldn’t find room for a little boy like me.”
A Service Station
Hotel guest (suddenly awakened) – “What are you looking for?”
Burglar in the darkness – “Money.”
Hotel Guest – “Sh-h-h! Just a minute and I’ll turn on the gas and help you look.”
Old Lady – “Oh, conductor, please stop the train. I dropped my wig out the window.”
Conductor – “Never mind, madam, there is a switch just this side of the next station.”
She Knew What She Wanted
The housekeeper walked into the shop and rapped smartly on the counter.
“I want a chicken,” she said.
“Do you want a pullet?” asked the shop-keeper.
“No,” replied the housekeeper, “I want to carry it.”
She: “Did you ever see the two Jacksons?”
She: “Don’t you think the boy is a perfect photograph of his father?”
He: “Yes; and I think the girl is the phonograph of her mother.”
“When we were first married you were only too glad to wipe the dishes.”
“I know, but that was when we only had two dishes.”
Mother – Been fighting with that Murphy boy again, have you? Why didn’t you say “Get thee behind me, Satan?”
Tommy – Behind me? Gee! I was wishin’ he’d get between us.
“Yes, I’m continually breaking into song,” said the cheerful one.
“H’m! If you’d once get the key, you wouldn’t have to break in,” replied the dismal fellow.
A little girl became lost in the congestion on Broadway. A policeman noticed that she was crying and questioned her. “I lost my mamma in the crowd,” she said.
“Well, why didn’t you know enough to hang on to her skirts?” he asked.
“I tried to, but I couldn’t reach ’em.”
A Georgia lawyer to a wealthy client he desired to impress: “I played Hamlet once.”
“Indeed! Did you have much of a run?”
“About six miles, as I remember it.”
“What makes you think so?”
“Why, they feed the baby garlic so that they can find it in the dark.”
A peanut sat on the railroad.
Its heart was all a flutter.
The 3:24 came thundering past,
Toot toot – Peanut Butter.
Loyal to His Union
“Mike was drowned last night.”
“Is that true? Couldn’t he swim?”
“Yes, but he’s a union man; he swam for eight hours and quit.”
Juvenile Edition Wanted
“Mama,” said little Fred, “this catechism is awfully hard. Can’t you get me a kittychism?”
“I’d like to go to a funeral this afternoon, sir,” said the office boy.
“Oh, you would, would you?” the chief heartlessly replied. “Well, you won’t!”
“No, sir; I know I won’t,” the boy murmured resignedly. “But I would like to all the same.”
Something tragic and appealing in the youthful voice led the chief to ask: “Whose funeral?”
“Yours, sir,” said the boy.
He – I would die for you.
She – Well, what are you waiting for?
Before and After
Judge – Do you mean to say that such a physical wreck as your husband gave you that black eye?
Plaintiff – Your honor, he wasn’t a physical wreck until he gave me the black eye.