They look so formal in their black-and-white portraits — who could guess our grandparents got a kick out of these ticklers in the Church magazines of 1921?
Too Many of His Kind
“Is he a live wire?”
“No, he’s a short circuit.”
First Farmer: “That Smith boy who used to work for you wants me to give him a job. Is he steady?”
Second Farmer: “Well, if he was any steadier he’d be motionless.”
“Tommy,” said his mama tearfully, “it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you.”
Tommy (also tearfully): “Maybe it does, but not in the same place.”
The Point of View
Sanitary Inspector: “This pig’s pen is too near the house for good health.”
Martinson: “I don’t know. That pen’s been there for twelve years, and I have not lost a pig.”
Had Done His Share
An old gentleman in a railroad waiting-room, annoyed by some youngsters playing tag around his feet, exclaimed, “Stop that racket, children!”
“Well, I like that!” said the mother in a loud, angry tone.
“Now, look here, madam,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve raised three families of children and not a single child was ever allowed to annoy people.”
“Well,” replied the irate lady, “if you’ve raised three families you’ve certainly done your duty and I’ll thank you to allow me to raise mine.”
“Oh, dear me, how the hours drag! I wish they’d hurry.”
“Why not apply the spur of the moment?”
“Pardon me, if I bore you,” said the mosquito.
“Well, how does that strike you?” said the man, with a well-directed slap.
Can’t Be Beat
Casey: “When ye’re licked in a foight ye ought to say ye’ve had enough.”
Pat: “Shure, if Oi can speak at all O’im not licked yet.”
A Complaint Counter
“But why do they make the apartments so small?”
Real estate agent: “That, Madam, is so the tenants will have no room for complaint.”
First Rooster: “What’s the matter with Mrs. Doodle?”
Second Rooster: “Shell shock. Ducks came out of the eggs she was setting on.”
Patient: “Hardly expected to see you this soon again, doc.”
M.D.: “Had to look at another patient in the neighborhood, so I thought I might as well kill two birds with one stone.”
Black and Tan
The black-haired boy had a mighty contempt for the tow-headed boy.
“Huh,” he said, “your mother takes in washing.”
“Of course she does,” the tow-headed satirist retorted. “You didn’t think she would leave it hanging out at night unless your father was in jail, did you?”
“I understand you said I didn’t have enough sense to come in out of a shower of rain,” said Dobson.
“I did not,” replied Gadspur.
“What did you say, then?”
“I merely remarked to a friend of ours that if there was a tax on brains the government would owe you money.”
The sweet young thing was being shown through the locomotive works.
“What is that thing?” she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.
“That,” answered the guide, “is an engine boiler.”
She was an up-to-date young lady and at once became interested.
“And why do they boil engines?” she inquired again.
“To make the engine tender,” politely replied the resourceful guide.
“I punished you merely to show my love for you,” said the fond father after chastisement.
“That’s all right,” sobbed the small son, “but it’s a g-g-good thing for you I ain’t b-b-big enough to return your l-love, that’s all.”
English and Eggs
“Do you say that your hens ‘sit’ or ‘set’?” asked the precise pedagogue of the busy housewife.
“It never matters to me what I say,” was the quick reply. “What concerns me is to learn, when I hear the hen cackling, whether she is laying or lying.”
“I don’t like these photos at all,” he said. “I look like an ape.”
The photographer favored him with a glance of lofty disdain.
“You should have thought of that before you had them taken,” was his reply as he turned back to work.
Again the Scot
Sandy, the farmer, had been staying with some friends for about a month, and while he and his host were out for a walk one day they called at a wayside inn for a drink.
As his host was about to pay for it Sandy stopped him.
“Na, na,” he said, “I’ll not allow it. Ye’ve been keeping me in everything at yer house for a month, and ye’ve treated me to the theatres, and cab fares, and paid for all the drinks. I tell ye, I’ll hae na mair of it. We’ll toss for this one.”
“Hear about Nutley’s getting stung by a rattler last week?”
“Gosh, no! How did it happen?”
“He bought a used flivver without first testing it.”
From the Editor’s Office
That young fellow, Scribbler, sent in a paper this morning entitled ‘Why do I Live?’”
“What did you do with it?”
“Returned it with an enclosed slip, saying: ‘Because you mailed this instead of bringing it personally!’”
“I have often wondered, considering your age, why you have that big bald spot on your head.”
“Will you keep it a profound secret if I tell you why?”
“I faithfully promise I will.”
“Well, my hair fell out.”