Funny Bones, comin’ atcha from the church magazines of 1923:
“Do you notice any change in me?”
“I’ve just swallowed a nickle.”
Editor: “We can’t accept this poem. It isn’t verse at all; merely an escape of gas.”
Aspiring Poet: “Ah! I see; something wrong with the meter.”
Smith – I say, Isaacs, these Russian blokes ’ave the funniest names, ain’t they? Michaelovitch, Androvitch, Jackovitch, Stephenovitch.
Isaacs – That’s so. You can’t tell vitch is vitch.
“Here are twelve dimes,” said the old gentleman to his grandson, “one for each of your birthdays. What more could you wish?”
“Only that I was as old as you, grandpa,” replied the youngster.
Old Lady (pushing her way into the crowd) – What’s the matter, constable?
Constable – Cat run over by a tram-car.
Old Lady – How sad! Was the cat on the line?
Constable (fed up with foolish inquiries) – No, mum; tram chased it up a tree.
Or the Furnace Fire
First-class Scout (to tenderfoot) – If a burglar entered the cellar, would the coal shoot?
Tenderfoot – No; but perhaps the kindling wood.
A Narrow Escape
A lady who kept a little curly poodle lost her pet and called on the police to find it. The next day one of the force came with the dog very wet and dirty.
The lady was overjoyed and asked a number of silly questions, one being:
“Where did you find my darling?”
“Why, ma’am,” said the officer, “a fellow had him on a pole and was washing windows with him.”
The lanky youth in the train persisted in putting his head and shoulders out of the window. The guard was passing through the coach, and he touched the youth on the back.
“Better keep your head inside the window,” advised the guard.
“I kin look out of the winder if I want to,” answered the youth.
“I know you can,” warned the guard; “but if you damage any of the ironwork on the bridge, you’ll pay for it.”
A Case of Jam
A hungry doughboy approached the grouchy mess sergeant long after mess was over and doubtfully asked how the chances were for a little something to eat. The sergeant smiled upon him with quite unprecedented favor and asked seriously, “How would you like a jam sandwich?”
“Fine,” said the doughboy, loosening his belt in anticipation.
“Well, here’s two good slices of bread. Jam ’em together.”
Attorney – And where did you see him milking the cow?
Witness – A little past the center, sir.
George – I put a tack on teacher’s chair yesterday.
Gerald – Did you? I bet he won’t sit down in a hurry again.
George – No; and neither will I.
The Genus Trampus
Weary Willie – Poor old Tim received a severe fall t’other day.
Slippery Sam – How wus that?
Weary Willie – Workmen removed the telephone post he was leanin’ agen an’ his doctor says it’ll be some time before he’ll be able t’ loaf agen.”
There was a young man of Chicago
Who wanted to see a buzz saw go.
So he put his face
Up close to the place
And now people ask, where’d his jaw go?
Did He Win or Lose?
“What must a man be in order to be buried with military honors?”
“He must be a captain.”
“Then, I lose my bet.”
“What did you bet?”
“I bet he had to be dead.”
Absent-minded medical-school professor (to class) – “I will now give you a practical demonstration of the fundamental principles of anatomy, by exhibiting the inner workings of a frog, which I dissected this morning.”
Taking a small package from his pocket, he cut the twine and folded back the paper, disclosing two ham sandwiches and a piece of cake.
“Most peculiar!” stammered the bewildered professor. ‘I was sure I ate my lunch!”
A Dead Shot
“I suppose your wife misses you a great deal?” inquired a lady of a commercial traveler.
“Well, no; for a woman, she has a remarkable straight aim,” was the reply.
Competition in Wood
Billy – My uncle’s got a wooden leg.
Jimmy – Huh! That’s nothing. My sister’s got a cedar chest.
The Same Reason
Violinist (to daughter) – Why do you use paint?
Daughter – For the same reason you use rosin, father.
Violinist – How is that?
Daughter – Why, to help me to draw my beau!
Teacher – Johnny, if five sheep were in a field, and one jumped out, how many would be left?
Johnny – There wouldn’t be any left. You might know arithmetic, but you don’t know sheep!
You Tell ’Em
Teacher – “Johnny, what is velocity?”
Johnny – “Velocity is what a fellow lets go of a bee with.”
There was a thin girl of Messina
Who worked with a vacuum cleaner;
But she got in the way
Of the suction one day,
And since then nobody has seen her.
A Habit with Him
Hank says to his wife the other night: “I sure miss that cuspidor.”
“You always did miss it,” says Mrs. Beasley; “that’s why I threw it on the trash pile.”
A class of boys had been studying physiology and one wrote a composition on the “spine”: – “The spine is a bunch of bones that runs up and down the back and holds the ribs. The skull sits on one end, and I sit on the other.”