Welcome back for more humor from the church magazines of the past:
Boy: “Can a person be punished for something he hasn’t done?”
Teacher: “Of course not.”
Boy: “Well, I haven’t done my geometry.”
When They Overreached
As they paddled along in a nook,
She said faintly: “Why, Algernon, look,
In that oak, I declare –
I see mistletoe there!
. . . . . . . .
And the crew fished them out with a hook.
A Surveyor Needed
James: “Oh! I had a fine little bulldog, but it swallowed a tape measure – ”
Jack (interrupting): “And died by inches? Jim, how dare you tell such an old joke?”
James: “Now, I wasn’t going to say that at all. My dog became unconscious by my bed, and, as I didn’t want him to die by the foot, I took him out into our alley; and poor thing! … He died by the yard.”
The cub reporter assigned to cover a local wedding sauntered back into the editorial rooms of his paper.
“Where’s your story? called the impatient city editor. “Hand it across!”
“Sorry!” said the cub nonchalantly, “but there was nothing to report. The bridegroom never turned up.”
A kind-hearted old gentleman came upon a small whimpering urchin. “What’s the matter, my little man?” he asked, sympathetically.
“I’m lost. Boo-hoo!”
“Lost? Nonsense! We mustn’t give up hope so soon. Where do you live?”
“D-don’t know, sir,” whined the youngster. “W-we’ve just moved, and I c-can’t remember the address.”
“Well, what’s your name?”
“D-don’t know, sir.”
“Don’t know?” exclaimed the old gentleman.
“No,” sobbed the urchin. “M-mother got married again this morning.”
A Woman’s Answer
“Do you know why money is so scarce, brothers?” the soap box orator demanded and a fair-sized section of the backbone of the nation waited in leisurely patience for the answer.
A tired-looking woman paused for a moment on the edge of the crowd. She spoke shortly.
“It’s because so many of you men spend your time telling each other why, ’stead of hustling to see that it ain’t!”
“I’m quite a near neighbor of yours now,” said Mr. Bore. “I’m living just across the river.”
“Indeed,” replied Miss Smart, “I hope you will drop in some day.”
“Your father is an old crank,” said the youth who had been told by his belle’s father that it was time to go.
Her father overheard the remark. “A crank is necessary in case of the lack of a self-starter,” he retorted.
Not Yet, But Soon
Tommy had been playing truant from school, and had spent a long, beautiful day fishing. On his way back he met one of his young cronies, who accosted him with the usual question, “Catch anything?”
At this, Tommy in all the consciousness of guilt quickly responded: “Ain’t been home yet.”
For Revenue Only
John: “You used to say there was something about me you liked.”
“Yes, I did, but you’ve spent it all.”
The Jinkses were just getting launched in society. It was their first dinner party.
Mrs. Jinks: “Lena, be sure to mash the peas well tonight.”
Lena: “What, ma’am? Mash the peas?”
Mrs. Jinks: “Yes, Lena, that’s what I said. It makes Mr. Jinks very nervous at dinner to have them roll off his knife.”
He called his dog Hickory because he had a rough bark.
No Cause for Worry
Cholly: “After all, fools make life amusing. When all the fools are dead I don’t want to be alive.”
Charlotte: “Don’t worry. You won’t be.”
In the Art Department a few days ago, one of the students drew the picture of a hen so lifelike that when she threw it in the wastebasket it laid there.
This Leaves Us Cold
If an ice wagon weighs 1,000 pounds and the ice in the wagon weighs 2,000 pounds, what does the man on the rear of the wagon weigh?”
The Size Made Si Sigh
Si: “Gosh! my watermelons are twice as large as yourn.”
Hank: “There you go, Si, mistaking my strawberries for watermelons.”
Not So Severe
“I can’t find any old clothes to put on the scarecrow,” said Farmer Corntossel.
“You might use some of the fancy duds our boy Josh brought home from college,” suggested his wife.
“I’m only tryin’ to scare crows, not to make ’em laugh themselves to death.”
Charge of the Light Brigade
The attorney for the company was making a popular address.
“Think of the good the gas company has done!” he cried. “If I were permitted a pun, I would say, in the words of the immortal poet, ‘Honor the Light Brigade.’”
Voice of a consumer from the audience: “Oh, what a charge they made!”
Hazel: “What’s the matter with that man? Has he got the St. Vitus’ dance?”
Nazel: “Nope, that’s a deaf and dumb man talkin’ – and he stutters.”
Then There Was a Stamp-ede
A group of farmers were crowded around the post office window to get their mail when one of them stalked up and shouted, “Any mail for Mike Howe?” the postmaster, a stranger in the community, glared at him over the rims of his spectacles and shouted back, ‘No, not for your cow, nor for anybody else’s cow.”