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Wit’s Ends – British LDS Humor, 1944

By: Ardis E. Parshall - April 04, 2009

Here are some of the jokes appearing in the 1944 Millennial Star at a time when the staff was British, not American:

Needed a Kiss Compass!

George (bashfully): “I s-say, Madge, w-would a kiss be out of place?”

Madge: “Well, it shouldn’t be, if you have any sense of direction.”

A Vivid Imagination

As two brokers passed the Ziegfeld Theatre, out stepped one of those ravishing, alluring follies beauties.

“I feel like taking her out again,” whispered one.

“Have you taken her out?” asked the other.

“No – but once before I felt like it.”

What She Took

She took my hand in sheltered nooks.
She took my candy and my books.
She took the lustrous wrap of fur,
She took the gloves I bought for her.
She took my words of love and care.
she took my flowers, rich and rare.
She took my ring with tender smile.
She took my name for quite a while.
She took my ardour made so shy.
She took whatever I could buy.
And then she took another guy.

Crossed in Love

Norah: “So you and Jim don’t speak to each other now? What has happened?

Nina: “Why, we had a terrific row over which one loved the other most.”

In Their Steps

“Look here now, Harold,” said a father to his little son, who was naughty, “if you don’t say your prayers you won’t go to Heaven.”

“I don’t want to go to Heaven,” sobbed the boy; “I want to go with you and mother.”

Doubtful Approval

“Do you think they approved of my sermon?” asked the new missionary, hopeful that he had made a good impression.

“Yes, I think so,” replied his wife; “they were all nodding.”

All for Nothing

“Now, my son,” said the conscientious father, “tell me why I punished you.”

“That’s it,” blubbered the boy, indignantly. “First you pounded the life out of me, an’ now you don’t know what you did it for.”

What Insolence

“Did you notice that insolent conductor looking at you as though you hadn’t paid your fare?”

“Yes, and did you notice me looking at him as though I had?”

Language Lesson

Barry: “Where’s your father?”

Larry: “He’s round in front.”

Barry: “I know he’s round in front, but where is he?”

Rebellion

“I don’t mind washing the dishes for you,” wailed the hen-pecked husband. “I don’t object to sweeping the floors, but I am not going to run ribbons through my nightgown just to fool the baby.”

All in Good Time

“Let me tell you,” he said to the publisher, “that my novel will be read when Shakespeare and Tolstoy and all those people are forgotten.”

“Exactly, my dear sir, and not a day before.”

He’s Telling Him!

Diner: “Waiter, are you sure there is no horsemeat in these sausages?”

Waiter: “I can assure you sir, there’s no meat in them at all.”

The Lottery

Husband: “Whether marriage is a failure or not, I certainly think some are more fortunate than others in what they get.”

Wife: “I quite agree. For instance, you got me, but I got only you.”

Family Secrets

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the hotel proprietor, “I wouldn’t cash a cheque for my own mother.”

“Well, I suppose one knows one’s own family best.”

Not in Here

The newcomer knocked on the pearly gates and St. Peter’s voice called, “who’s there?”

“It is I,” answered the newcomer.

“Well, get out. We don’t want any more school teachers.”

Getting a Bite

As soon as he entered the restaurant the chronic grumbler began to complain. When the soup reached him, he exclaimed:

“Hey, waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.”

“Grab your fork,” advised the waiter. “Maybe a trout will come to the surface.”

He Sympathised

Tommy had been misbehaving himself, and Mother had threatened him with a thrashing. To avoid this Tommy kept well out of reach and finally got up into his room and went to bed.

Some time later, Father, having been informed of his son’s pranks, came up, opened the door and quietly tip-toed towards the boy’s bed.

A voice from under the clothes came softly: “Is she after you, too? Hop in.”

Not Surprising

The chemist read this message:

Please give enclosed child one anecdote, as baby has swallowed a stone date and is now historical.



3 Comments »

  1. Was this lil’Tommy Monson?

    Tommy had been misbehaving himself, and Mother had threatened him with a thrashing. To avoid this Tommy kept well out of reach and finally got up into his room and went to bed.

    Some time later, Father, having been informed of his son’s pranks, came up, opened the door and quietly tip-toed towards the boy’s bed.

    A voice from under the clothes came softly: “Is she after you, too? Hop in.”

    Comment by Floyd the Wonderdog — April 4, 2009 @ 7:21 am

  2. Oh my goodness, these jokes are historical, er, I mean hysterical! Both, actually!

    Can you imagine the uproar if the Ensign published a joke about a “conscientious father” who “pounded the life out of” a child?

    Comment by Researcher — April 4, 2009 @ 9:03 am

  3. My favorite this week is “All in Good Time.” heh, heh, heh!

    Comment by Ardis E. Parshall — April 4, 2009 @ 12:18 pm

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