Your weekly dose of funny from the old church magazines –
In the Restaurant
Diner – This ham’s bad!
Waitress – Rubbish, it was only cured last week.
Diner – Well, it must have had a relapse!
Back to Normalcy
“Look pleasant, please,” said the photographer to his (more or less) fair sitter. Click! “It’s all over, ma’am. You may resume your natural expression.”
“I think Jack’s real mean.”
“He wrote to Gladys from Florida he shot an alligator six feet long and if he was lucky enough to get another he’d have a pair of slippers made for her.”
A Delightful Remedy
“I’m worried about my complexion, doctor; look at my face.”
“My dear young lady, you’ll have to diet.”
“Oh, I never thought of that! What color do you think would suit me best?”
Two women who were riding a streetcar were discussing their favorite operas, and as the conductor approached to take their fares, one of the women, handing him her fare, remarked, “I simply adore Carmen!”
Blushing at the roots of his hair, the embarrassed conductor replied, “Try the motorman, madam; he’s a single man.”
He – What beautiful arms you have.
She – Yes, I got them playing baseball.
He – Do you ever play football?
No Goods Returned
Johnnie was much disappointed that the new baby was a girl. “Why don’t you exchange her for a boy?” a friend of the family asked him.
“It’s too late,” he replied, “we’ve used her four days.”
“I think, dear,” said Mrs. Grabbit, “I’ll ask the people next door to share our Christmas dinner.”
“Why?” asked her husband.
“Well, the man left their turkey here by mistake, and it seems only fair.”
Young lady – “Were you pleased with the new school, little boy?”
Little boy – “Naw! Dey made me wash me face an’ when I went home me dorg bit me ‘cause he didn’t know me.”
A visitor from America was introduced to an old Scotsman.
“From what land do ye come?” asked the Scotsman.
“The greatest in the world,” replied the American.
“Puir bairn, ye’ve lost your accent.”
An old yokel saw a motor-car for the first time in his life. It came dashing up the main street, and disappeared in a cloud of dust.
“Well,” said the yokel, “the horses must ha’ bin goin’ a good speed when they got loose from that carriage.”
A little girl of five was entertaining callers while her mother was dressing.
One of the visitors remarked to the other, with a significant look: “Not very p-r-e-t-t-y,” spelling the last word.
“No,” said the child, quickly, “but awful s-m-a-r-t.”
“Here’s a man found nine pearls in an oyster stew. Wonderful, hey?”
“Oh, fairly startling. I thought you were going to try to lead me to believe he found nine oysters.”
No Cause for Worry
“Are you the plumber?” asked Mrs. Cook.
“Yes, ma’am. I’m the plumber, all right.”
“Well,” she replied, “I want to caution you to exercise care when doing your work. All my floors are highly polished and in perfect condition.”
“Oh, don’t worry about me slippin’, lady, I’ve got nails in me shoes.”
He Knew *
“Sam, what’s a university?”
“A university is a place where they teach you how to starve to death in a gentlemanly and cultured manner.”
[* Full disclosure: The joke was funny enough to include, but offensive racial language was rewritten.]
Had His Nose On It
Daughter: “Oh, pa-pah, what is your birthstone?”
Father of seven: “My dear, I’m not sure, but I think it’s a grindstone.”
Going It Blind
Boy: “Dad, can you sign your name with your eyes shut?”
Boy: “Well, then shut your eyes and sign my report card.”
A tramp, entering the gates of a rich lady’s villa, knelt down on the lawn and began to eat the grass. The old lady, noticing his pathetic performance, came out and said: “My good man, are you so hungry that you are obliged to eat grass?”
“Yes, ma’am, I am,” replied the tramp.
“Oh, dear!” said the old lady. “Come round to the kitchen door. The grass is longer there.”
First Italian – Oh, looka dat bird on da rubber plant!
Second Ditto – Sure; he gutta percha.”
Proving His Case
He – Wise men are always in doubt. Only idiots are sure of their case.
She – Are you sure of that?
He – Yes; absolutely.
Lot (to slaves) – “Here, you! Take this wheelbarrow and shovel and bring along that pillar of salt my wife turned into. We’ll use her in the ice cream freezer.”
A Dead Sure Thing
He – My father weighed only four pounds at his birth.
She – Good gracious! Did he live?