From the joke pages of the LDS magazines of 1945:
Judge (to prisoner): “What, you here again?”
Prisoner: “Yes, sir.”
“Aren’t you ashamed to be seen here?”
“No, sir! What’s good enough for you is good enough for me!”
New Draftee: “May I have my uniform?”
Sergeant: “How do you want it – too large or too small?”
“Goodness, weren’t you nervous the first time you asked George for shopping money?”
“Not a bit – I was calm, and collected.”
Said the cat, watching the tennis match: “You know, it takes real guts to be in that racket.”
Hubby: “It’s queer, but the biggest idiots seem to marry the prettiest women.”
Wife: “Oh, now, you’re trying to flatter me.”
An asylum inmate sat with his fishing pole dangling over a flower bed. A visitor, filled with sympathy and wishing to be pleasant, asked, “How many have you caught?”
“You’re the tenth today,” was the answer.
“Tommy – Helen – if you children don’t stop quarreling and agree, I shall have to take your pie away.”
“But, mother, we do agree. Helen wants the biggest piece, and so do I.”
Clerk in bookstore: “This book will do half your work for you.”
Student: “Fine, I’ll take two.”
First Girl: “Do you think my hands show any signs of toil?”
Second Girl: “The one with the engagement ring on it shows that you have been working.”
“I hear your store was robbed last night. Lose much?”
“Some, but it would have been worse if the yeggs had got in the night before. You see, yesterday I just finished marking down everything twenty percent.”
In a little village lived a lawyer famous for drawing wills. On the passing of a certain neighbor, there was much speculation as to the value of the property, and the village gossip undertook to find out the facts.
“I suppose you made out the will?” he asked of the lawyer.
“Yes,” the lawyer answered.
“Then you probably know how much he left. Would you mind telling me?”
“Not at all,” answered the lawyer deliberately. “He left everything he had.”
Visitor: “You’ve got a lot of pep for a man nearly 100 years old. How do you get that way?”
Ragson Tatters: “I ain’t decided yet. I’m dickering with two or three cereal companies for my endorsement.”
I shot a sneeze into the air. It fell to earth, I knew not where. But later on, so I am told, some twenty others had my cold.
The war, they say, is bringing us closer together. This is especially noticeable on trains, buses, and streetcars.
Mr. Smith – “By the way, Brown, how many controls are there on that radio set you have at home?”
Mr. Brown – “Three, my wife and the two children.”
The Irish foreman of the road gang found one of his men sleeping in the shade. “Slape on, ye idle spalpeen,” he said, “slape on. So long as ye slape, ye’ve got a job; but whin ye wake up, ye’re out of work.”
A clothing merchant’s son asked him to define ethics.
“Well, I will show you,” said the father. “Suppose a lady comes into the store, buys a lot of goods and pays me ten dollars too much when she goes out. Then ethics comes in. Should I or should I not tell my partner?”
Joan – Why do you call the stone in my new ring an Irish diamond?’
Jasper – It’s a sham rock.
The tramp called at a home and asked for food.
Housewife: “And how would you like a nice chop?”
Tramp: “That all depends lady – is it lamb, pork, or wood?”
“All the little boys and girls who want to go to Heaven,” said the Sunday School teacher, “Please stand up.”
All rose but Johnny.
“And doesn’t this little boy want to go to Heaven?”
Uncle Sol threw aside the letter he was reading and uttered an exclamation of impatience. “Doggone it!” he cried, “why can’t people be more explicit?”
“What’s the matter, Pa?” asked Sue.
“This letter from home,” Uncle Sol answered; “it says Father fell out of the apple tree and broke a limb!”
Jasper – What time does the 4 o’clock train leave?
Trainman – At 3:60, sir.
An Englishman heard an owl hoot for the first time. “What was that?” he asked.
“An owl,” was the reply.
“My deah fellah, I know that, but what was ’owling?”
How our tastes change. Little girls like painted dolls; little boys like soldiers. When they grow up the girls like the soldiers and the boys go for the painted dolls.
“Jones seems to be a successful man, I suppose he made hay while the sun shone?”
“Not only that, but he made it from the grass that other people let grow under their feet.”